On Sunday night after someone sent me the cue to remember it was 12.12.21, a significant day astrologically, I began to look at the progress of my day differently.
My day began with rather an overwhelming desire to get the Hummingbird Project going. Without warning really, my head was full of ideas which needed to be put to paper in order to organize the many thoughts fighting for space. It was actually quite overwhelming, as the excitement grew thinking about such positive possibilities.
Just as suddenly by about mid afternoon, the tide turned beginning with tightness in my chest so intense it began to suffocate me. Thinking about it, I could connect it to the exact moment Mr Ed came into the thrift store below my apartment. Upon hearing his voice, my body instinctively went into fight or flight mode, hence the tightness in my chest which became unbearable by evening. To have such a turn caused me to examine the events of the last few days because if I was honest, I would have to admit the the familiar desire to fight or flee began while on the table of my friend who was giving me an energy workout. Then on Friday evening I was triggered quite intensely after receiving a message from a woman encouraging my support for the Salvation Army. In truth I felt this was an intentional stab at my integrity, my belief they are not worthy of support, so I said so. Her further comments caused me a great deal of anxiety, so I hit her back, but realized continuing the conversation would be falling into her trap of demeaning me further. She has had both shots, possibly 3 now. She has read my story, understands my vulnerability and for years worked with Patrick. Recently she asked me if I’d heard from him. Having already explained months ago, I had not and would never hear from him, I was triggered by her question. This last Friday evening after reading her message, I saw a pattern emerge. I deleted my messenger and Facebook apps so I would no longer see further responses from her.
I will not support any person, organization or company which feels segregation and or discrimination is an acceptable response to this situation. Or any situation for that matter – it will never be acceptable. The Nuremberg Trials were meant to prevent this from happening again, yet here we are fighting once more against an even more sinister foe, one most could not imagine possible. Defending an organization like the Salvation Army, only gives them permission to continue illegally ignoring our human rights. It’s very simple, because by defending them, you are supporting their actions. This means you must also believe in segregation and discrimination preventing perfectly healthy persons from retaining sustainable employment based on a personal health choice. Thousands were fired across Canada just before Christmas, how does this help? How can this be justified?
It is common knowledge now, as the government has been forced to admit those who have had the shots can spread the virus, perhaps even more so than those who have not got them. The variants are the consequences of the body’s reaction to the shots. How is it then those who HAVE HAD the shots are NOT restricted in their ability to eat in a restaurant, keep their job, get their drivers licence, go to the theatre? If you answer honestly you would realize the restrictions are not about controlling the spread of the virus, rather they are about control of behaviour.
The reminder of what day it was, it’s importance brought back to the center of my attention, also brought me closer to my own center. Understanding the tightness in my chest was also related to the actions against me for my whole life. There is a definite pattern which trigger a negative situation to occur after a positive one. This punishment/reward way of life has been the undercurrent preventing me from moving forward, having lasting friendships or relationships.
Last week I was instructed to ask for “Spirit” guidance to remove the blockage preventing me from this exact problem. So of course I got to work on this that very night. Last night while doing my regular meditation, the pain in my chest and across my brow, told me I had in fact finally realized the source of the block. When John was staying here last spring, he felt I had to remember something from my past which was preventing me from moving forward. He felt I needed strong guidance to face this memory, something I could no longer imagine being possible. Being forced to watch my fathers death and burial, seemed to me the worst of all my memories. What could be left for me to discover with deeper hurt or fear than that one memory?
Yet last week, I was reminded this was still the issue. Sometimes we believe we understand what someone is telling us because we already have a fixed perception of what the message is about. For me, it was the belief this blockage came from my childhood trauma – perhaps there is still something there. Last night I saw a different perspective, accepting it has been my adult years which haunt me. Acknowledgement both men I was married to were at the heart of my disability today. Memories of so many times when they picked me up only to slap me back down causing severe depression, fear of self and insecurity. Like dominoes, they all began to fall, the tightness in my brow easing, the pain in my chest all but gone now.
The blockage very likely from years of being told I had nothing to offer of value. Darrell was more open about my lack of talent, while Patrick was very clever and deviant. Both ensured I would never believe in myself for long if at all. The self deprecating remarks, the inability to look in the mirror afraid of what I would see, the complete lack of appreciation for my life all because of them. My ability to love regardless, my determination to keep trying despite their efforts, my ability to get up just one more time after each beating, all because I was loved so very much during the first 2 years of my life. The seeds planted during that time giving me the strength to accept my own story and why I was in such defeating relationships.
My time alone these past few years of the greatest value because without this time I would never have seen the value of my own diversity. Even my girl Miss Mali was preventing me from appreciating my own strengths and abilities. I counted on her to give me reason to get up each day. Now, here alone in the world of my own creating, I am finding my child self once more. The message sent last Friday, Ed showing up, triggering me to remember the years of just such timing which would have destroyed my faith for a length of time.
I have 4 children from my two marriages. Is it not interesting none of them speak to me? For most of this time during their absence I have blamed myself. They have made the choice to cut me out of their lives so completely, no reasons given. How does one accept all the love, time and energy given to create a protective bubble around them would one day not include you? I have been shown a different reality during this last year, one which includes faithful friendships, committed employers and safe living space. Those in my close circle are true and very dear to my heart as they have given me reason to see myself in the mirror. They are showing me a new path to walk.
There is no need to tell the stories bringing me to this realization, there are so many moments in time when who I am was threatened by the men I married. So many days when I faced the silence, the empty room of my confinement alone because of what they said or did to me. So many times when I wished I could just die and be done with the pain and sorrow, and this was before I began to remember my childhood. Saying this, in this moment gives clarity to why I wanted so much for others to hear my story, see my artwork. Validation from watching the path I chose to lead me out of all that darkness to where I am today. Giving up, letting go, sacrificing my own safety and needs to protect someone else, all justifying my reasons for staying in a very bad situation. Was there another way to get here? How can one know if there was, if it would have been better or just different. We come here with our life path as our thread which makes up the tapestry of our life. Making different decisions would have only changed the colors of thread or the way the pattern came together. Our soul journey is our agreement to fulfill our contract to live this life. It is only when we understand the journey allows us to see every aspect of living, our choices defining our acceptance or rejection of the journey itself. Yes we make mistakes, we learn from them on a good day, and remake them on a bad one. We choose things which go against our faith, our morals or principals because we have to understand what that feels like. This is how we become a complete human being, by understanding every aspect of what we are capable of, I believe. How many lives have we lived in order to experience the many faucets of possibility?
In my mind, those who have chosen to get the shots need to feel the experience attached to the depth of that darkness. Yes, in my mind it is darkness, because it does change those who get them, they do lose the part of themselves which understands right from wrong. They lose their ability to make conscious decisions. For some this is rewarding because they enjoy the sense of empowerment which is attached to the lower frequency, while others try to find their way out of it. Sacrifice has many faces, love has many faces, evil is always the same because it is about control and domination. Evil is seductive, manipulative and difficult to tear away from. One cannot look into the eyes of evil and escape, the depths go beyond what we conceive as real. Love is forgiveness, acceptance and willingness to change and grow. Love does not die no matter what happens, and I can testify to this, it travels through time and space to rescue the connected person if they are willing.
I have come to understand the trauma from my childhood, difficult as it was can be healed easier than that from my teen and adult years. Facing the truth about my childhood, why it all happened seems easier than the betrayal of my husbands and the family which took over the raising of me. Their cruelty was intentional and unrelenting, not that what was done to me in the camps was not. Somehow though, the abuse suffered as an adult did more damage, perhaps because it was focused on pushing me towards suicide. I was not meant to live and this is truly the most difficult realization which has blocked me. There is great fear attached to the very idea of standing out in a crowd, being recognized or with regards to the art or my book, becoming know in much larger circles. It seems to me it was not necessary nor was it justified to abuse me mentally as a teen and adult, as I was in enough pain from all I endured while in the camps. But in a strange way I have their cruelty to thank for my discovery of the truth. Had they not pushed me so hard, I would not have been able to accept the dreams and visions as reality. Turning my children against me was what forced me to look in the mirror. It has been a long difficult road back to self.
The malicious intent on Patrick’s part as he pretended to help me while I tried to discover myself, believe in the story unfolding, all the time he was doing everything he could to undermine my efforts. This is absolutely the most difficult abuse of power for me to accept. In Ecuador he could no longer stay hidden in the shadows as there was no where for him to take cover for long. There were not the usual daily distractions we have here to stop me from putting the picture together. Even so, because I was so involved in piecing together the dreams and memories for my book, I avoided what was playing out right in front of me. Always I protected and sheltered him, staying loyal to what I perceived as friendship. As the years passed, I understood he never loved me, but did believe we salvaged a friendship from the implosion of our marriage. I no longer have to carry that burden