The Thirteenth Healer 1998
Often I would have dreams I felt must be catering to my ego, wishing for a feeling of importance because of having none throughout my life. When I had this dream it was hard not to believe this was indeed the case, me hoping I meant something to someone.
Because I received this identical gift on two separate occasions I now believe there is significance to the dream, and not just my bruised ego yearning for attention.
I had a dream Patrick and I were sitting at a table in a restaurant about to have a meal. A woman we did not know came and sat down with us and began talking to him. Even though she sat beside me, she did not acknowledge me at all. And because Patrick was totally captivated by her he too ignored me.
I sat there for a while hoping to be acknowledged but finally gave up in anger and frustration. I went and sat at a different table and began writing him a letter. I was surprised to realize the letter did not express anger or hate, but only love. I realized I had let him go and was at peace with myself and that surprised me.
The next thing I knew I was walking into a room I didn’t recognize. It was a beautiful room, the owner obviously wealthy. There was a man sitting at a desk but I could not see his face, only his hands resting on the desk he was sitting behind. I was standing beside an antique sideboard or something like that. He gestured with his hands (he did not speak) to pick up the black box on the table. I admired it before I opened it.
It was a long black box almost like a necklace case, but longer. I opened it and found inside a large black feather which I understood to be mine. I also understood this man had been keeping it safe for me for a very long time. He told me without speaking I was the ‘Thirteenth Healer.’ I was captivated by what he said without understanding its meaning. The dream ended there.
I have always thought this feather belonged to a raven, but it now occurs to me it was a condor feather. I am basing this on the dream I had since coming to Ecuador, and also on the connection of my father being from south America, the land of the condor. It was also much too large for a raven and too black for an eagle’.
Could this man handing me the feather have been my father? I could not see his face so it is only a guess, although it could just be a representative of his, a man who I hope to some day meet. What else would this man be able to tell me if he is somehow to cross my path? I can only imagine the joy upon receiving something so precious, finally a physical connection to my father. Undeniable proof at last of my heritage. What a wonder that would be!
I have asked healers from whom I have sought aid on my journey if they understood the significance of the Thirteenth Healer. But no one has been able to give me any information, it being as much a mystery to them as to me. I have thought about it many times over the years, coming at last to the conclusion it must be connected to my story, to this story. Because the feather was used to write my story in the other dream, I feel this gift of being a healer will somehow come forth from this book. Not just for me through the act of writing it, but for those who read it and come to understand they are not alone in their suffering.
The road of life can be quite lonely when filled with so much trauma. Because it is not something easily discussed with others we tend to keep it to ourselves, maintaining a wall of silence. There are not many who can comprehend the difficulty we faced and continue to face, and so this also makes sharing difficult. For me one of the great advantages of group therapy was being in a room full of people who understood without question what I was feeling. As long as we do not get lost in that world, we survive. Just one more step…. one more day….
Despite everything I have endured I maintain there is much beauty in the world, but we must be willing to see it, for how can we see something we are not ready to accept? This focus has helped me find my way through all of it, through everything. The answers come when we give them room to do so.
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