Self Worth dream May 5, 2009
In this dream I was back at the Calgary home where I grew up on Chalice Road. It makes perfect sense this would be the setting for the dream, back where my self worth and confidence were systematically destroyed. I was taught to believe I was ugly, stupid and of not much use to anyone, absolutely unwanted and unloved. Of course I would eventually come back here questioning my belief in self.
A point of reference: my boss at the time of this dream reminds me of my true father in looks which I feel is important to state. At the time of the dream I was still unaware of who my father was in reality, so did not make the connection until the seeds of this book began to grow. This is important to share because it indicates to me how my mind was trying to make connections to people in my daily life that would help me recognize my father. At that time I had nothing to go on as far as physical evidence. I was just connecting the dots as best as I could.
I had been expecting a bonus at work, only it fell through and I didn’t get what was promised. The offer was rescinded and this reversal pushed me into a downward spiral of feeling worthless and used (hence being back at this house).
I found myself at the front door, which is symbolic of going back to the beginning to find the source of my emotional unraveling. That house is where I lost much of my self-worth, falling victim to endless criticism and degradation.
Somehow this always brings to mind the story of Cinderella. As I stepped onto the private sidewalk leading to the door I saw a white truck come around the corner and stop on the road in front of me, and out stepped my boss. He was very upset I had left work before he could speak with me, explaining he wanted to make things right regarding the expected bonus. He pulled out his cheque book with the idea of giving me whatever I wanted. I don’t remember everything we said to each other, but I do remember him saying to me, “Well what do you feel you’re worth? Let me know and I’ll pay it,” as he got back into his truck leaving me to ponder the question.
It seems to me this would be a hard question for most people to answer, but for me almost impossible, having never considered my own self worth. I woke up with many thoughts going through my mind, wondering indeed, What I am worth?
It strikes me this would be a question my father would ask if he wanted me to begin respecting myself. Accepting as I did at the time, this could have been a representation of my father, I believe I would have the confidence to answer the question, knowing he was asking out of love for me.
At the time of the dream I was being bullied at work and the situation gave me reason to question which way I would turn, which path I would choose from this point. The intent of the message was quite clear.
Since starting this book I have gained a new perspective of myself based primarily on realizing I now know better who I am. It is amazing to me how much difference it has made to learn who my parents were, to understand they did love me and made every effort to protect me at a time when this would have been difficult if not impossible for them.
This knowledge has added a new sense of self-worth, an acceptance of my true heritage. There was so much confusion over the issue of my childhood, further complicated by the unwillingness of my adoptive family to share the truth. Though I still have many triggers relating to my troubled past, I do feel a sense of strength and confidence which is directly tied to this new found knowledge.
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