Dream of Affection May 17, 2009
This was kind of interesting because it was quite an affectionate moment, but with my history I immediately tried to make it into something that was not right upon awaking. It makes me sad to think that even the most well intentioned gestures can make me uneasy because of all the bad experiences I have endured.
As with the dream of May 5, 2009 once again I describe the man I am with as my boss. I found this quite upsetting and confusing because I do not even like my boss and would never allow this type of experience to happen with him.
I don’t remember much about the situation except that this man was laying down with a pillow propping up his head and he called me over. When I went over to him he motioned for me to get closer, to sit beside him and then to lay with him and put my head on his chest. I was happy in this moment to be wanted. It was not a sexual act, but more like an affectionate moment between a father and a daughter, brother and sister, or best friends. I woke up with the last image being one of comfort and acceptance.
What came to me as I wrote this was a memory exactly the same as the dream in some ways. The most important variation was the intention behind the actions of the man involved. With the man in my dream (my father) there was only love, while with my brother-in-law the intent was selfish and sexual. It happened while staying at my elder sisters home. Ellen was pregnant with their first child and was upstairs taking a nap on this Sunday afternoon.
The house was quiet and I really did not know what to do. Her husband was laying on the couch watching TV. He called me over to him and I went. I was really uncomfortable, sensing this was not appropriate, but too scared to say no. He asked me to lay down with him. I hesitated, but he talked me into it saying it would be fine, not to be scared. But I was.
He put his arm around me as I lay beside him, trying not to move. I did not like what was happening, but could not make myself leave. He wanted me to turn towards him and touch him, but I could not do it. He then kissed me on the cheek and then the lips. I jumped off the couch and went to sit at the table until my sister came back downstairs.
He apologized, but I was afraid to go near him. The damage was done. I could not tell my sister or anyone else because I felt that I would be blamed. Though I was only nine I was already isolated in my family for being so different. I was the princess after all. In my mind it was my fault because I did go and lay beside him. This problem continued with him until I was seventeen, when I finally found the courage to speak out.
As expected, I was blamed and held responsible for his actions, all the weight of it placed upon my shoulders. Despite my explanation I was accused of leading him on and asking for the attention. This was a burden I carried for many years until I met another woman who shared a similar experience. She showed me a different path to take which allowed me to forgive not only my brother-in-law, but more importantly myself.
On May 19, 2009 I experienced the wonderful realization this man who was coming to me in my dreams was not my boss, but in fact the man who I knew from past dreams to be my father. There were similarities in their looks but my father had longer hair and not as dark. My father had a gentleness and calmness to him that my boss never had. I think I had misunderstood who it was because this was the first time I had met someone in my adult life that bore such a strong resemblance to my birth father and it confused me.
It was an uplifting realization, and explained why I was so at ease with him. This brought back to me his great calmness from the dream.
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