Abandonment July 26, 2015
This story occurred one day on the way to my work in the Cypress Hills. It seemed to amplify feelings ever present in my life. It was amazing to me how this situation was capable of mirroring my childhood experience with my birth mother.
On this day as I drove along the highway I was aware of how many deer were in the ditch, trying to decide which side of the highway to be on. I had to brake hard several times in anticipation of them cutting in front of me. This heightened my awareness, making me more observant of my surroundings and the possibility of an animal collision.
As I approached the turn off for the park I saw a moose in the ditch to my left, which I may have otherwise missed had I not been watching so closely. In the ambient light of early morning moose are much harder to see, but I realized it wanted to cross over. So I slowed almost to a stop, waiting for it to make its move. Wondering why it was not going I looked further behind it and saw this was a mother, its baby was trapped on the other side, unable jump the fence. I pulled over to watch.
Hoping to see the baby find the needed strength, I was surprised how helpless this made me feel. I started crying as I said to myself, ‘Please don’t abandon her, please don’t leave her.’ I wanted to get out and do something to help, but what could I do? By staying I would be late for work and thus realized I could not be of any help just watching. I had to continue on my way, but it felt so wrong to leave.
I could not stop myself from sobbing as I drove the rest of the way. I just kept repeating, ‘Please don’t abandon her, don’t leave your baby,’ willing her to remain until the baby found its way over. Every time I thought of her throughout the day it brought tears to my eyes, filling me with a sense of panic for both the mom and the baby.
It heightened my awareness of feeling helpless when as a young child I watched my surrogate mother and, later on my mother leave me. At that time there was no way I could understand what was happening or why it was happening, but its emotional power remains.
On the way home I looked for the moose and her baby, but they were nowhere to be seen. I took this as a good sign they had somehow found a way out of their predicament. As I drove home I thought about my reaction to this situation, which seemed a bit extreme, all things considered. It made me realize, however, how much losing my parents has affected me. I know now I was indeed forced into a circumstance of abandonment, separated by a ‘fence’ I was unable to cross.
Somehow watching the reality of this animals conundrum has given me some peace, perhaps because it brought to mind the reality we have all been somewhat helpless in predicaments which are forced upon us.
There is peace in finding answers, knowing the truth, being able to accept these uncontrollable aspects of life. In my childhood separation meant significant loss for us all, and a great deal of sorrow. I know it is too late to reunite with my parents in this life, but finally feeling the level of loss has somehow released me from the burden so long attached to its memory.
Once again having the situation portrayed with animals rather than humans seemed the most gentle way to awaken this memory; not necessarily the act of separation, but the helplessness associated with it.
At that young age it was impossible to understand why I was removed from the parents who loved and cared for me. I was blocked from seeing this reality and the cold finality of its unfolding. Observing it in this way showed me there was a definite reason for this disconnection for which I was not to be blamed.
I ponder if this was why I could not see or accept this truth all these years. I carried the loss of those that loved me, and gave their lives to protect me, believing instead I was somehow responsible for them having to send me away. Realizing this fence was not of my making gave me permission to finally let the connected feelings surface and at long last find release.
Driving home I was totally fascinated by this event and how it helped me to heal a small yet vital amount…..another shard recovered.
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