This marks the end of another chapter of the book “Finding Home”. Tomorrow I will begin to post the final chapter.
I have received some very kind and positive comments along the way and this has encouraged me to keep going. Some days, like today as I post the dream about being raped, I question my decision to do this. I have read many articles in the paper over the months about rape victims, abusive relationships and the consequences of these acts of violence. It is difficult to realize just how many of us there are out there dealing with our past.
Do we need another story out there like mine? I really don’t know the answer to that, but it is a question I ask myself most days. However I do hope that although some of the stories are not easy to read, I have been able to balance that difficulty with the positive aspects of my healing, such as the art. I have found time and again noticing the small things, having laughter and intelligent conversation has been so important along the way. Connecting to nature, having the unconditional love of animals has helped me to keep an open mind, seeing possibility in change. And so, I have even allowed myself to trust just a little as I move forward.
Patrick has been gone for two weeks now, although in reality it has been a month and a half. Our differences created a rift that kept us from speaking to each other for a month before his departure. Thirty years of marriage and friendship dissolving as we began to walk on different paths. It was time.
I realized as the days passed how important this change was for me. I am for the first time since I was a young child experiencing the discovery of self without the influence of anyone else. I am learning who I am without those influences, something I did not realize until I was here in this place where communication is difficult and my routine vastly changed. I understand this is the purpose for my being here – to have a deeper understanding of self, something I could not or would not allow myself to accept in Canada. My book takes on different meaning for this reason. It has been instrumental in allowing this transformation to occur.
The last chapter for me is about hope. The stories reflecting the change I began to see in myself over the years as I faced the trauma of my past. Therefor in some small way, as we come to the final stories, I hope it has helped others see as I do that we should never under estimate the value of a kind word or gesture – it can make such a difference in someone’s day, changing the course of our thoughts allowing us to step onto a different path. It can mean the difference of facing our past or continuing to hide behind it. It can help us accept a different reality than the one formulating in our mind based on years of believing we deserved the pain.
For those who are still with me, I thank you. Your encouragement has helped me beyond measure and I will always be grateful!
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