And then there were 2, part one

Sunday was a hard day for a few reasons, but it was also a breakthrough day for me, one which I believe will mark a big turning point for my life. Sometimes we just don’t have our lessons come to us in the way we would choose them to. This has been my experience throughout my life and it continues….

On Saturday evening we did a ceremony for healing with some powerful medicine, one of the reasons I am here. Ayahuasca is a medicine native to this area and has been used throughout time to heal the spirit. I chose to do this here because I trust completely this shaman I know to help me through the experience.

I first read about the medicine when researching the “Tree of Life” for my book “Finding Home”. I had a dream where I was given this particular tree after my death. This of course did not mean that my body truly died, only that at a time of innocence, my spirit was killed. When I was strong enough to fight back and begin to win the fight for my spirit to be whole once more, I was given the great gift of the “Tree of Life”. So one of the main reasons for coming here to this place specifically was to have this medicine which is I believe considered the tree of life here, opening the door to the spirit world giving you the ultimate connection to all that is – the creator.

It is not meant to be used as a drug and you need only do it once as it stays in your body working always for the healing of your body, mind  and spirit. It is a beautiful gift and meant to be respected. I was a bit nervous for a few reasons. Because it is meant to open the door to the spirit world I was really concerned I would meet my nemesis the South American bird spider – the cause of many nightmares and  a very traumatic experience. Also, I do not handle drugs or alcohol well, coming close to death a few times due to both, so I wondered if I would be able to handle this. But I was told to trust the medicine, it will know what to do, trust the shaman and trust creator, so this is what I did.

There were delays which were seen as obstacles by the shaman when we talked the following day. It took some time to get things settled and begin, so it did not go smoothly even from the start, something I wondered about as I sat there waiting. There was four of us participating and once we drank the medicine we were left to our experience, each of us a little different.

It did not taste bad to me, it was almost sweet reminding me of something I’ve had before, but couldn’t place. The taste is dependant on where you are at the time you take it, so I took this as a good sign. But before long I began to feel a burning mostly in my chest, the pain was pretty intense which to me indicated that this was where the healing needed to happen. The pain from so much loss and sorrow during my childhood was causing this heartache which became intensified and very apparent during this ceremony. Then I began to feel sick. We were asked to do our best not to throw the medicine up, to breath deep, to let the medicine go deep. I held onto it for a long time, but when one of the other people threw up, it made it a bit more difficult to hang on. At one point my stomach went calm and I thought I would be alright, but suddenly it turned and I had to let it go, at least most of it. I was able to stop before it all came up. This was when I laid down feeling dizzy and this helped me settle down. I was nervous to look around uncomfortable at what I might see, but there was nothing. The only thing I saw was the intensity of the moon as it shone through one of the cracks between the ceiling and the wall. It was incredibly bright and  because of where I was laying, it was shining directly on me. I thought this was so beautiful, that I was fortunate to be where I was to have this experience. I won’t tell of the whole experience as we sat or lay there, each in our own world, but when it was time, our body back to normal the ceremony was ended and we got up to go outside and feel the night and it’s beauty. I was quite tired and I cried, really sobbed, for reasons I did not understand at the time. This would be explained later I learned.

I went to my bed tired and cold, ready for sleep. There was disco style music playing downtown and the sound carried to me up here on the mountain, feeling like sandpaper on my skin. I put one headphone in as I lay on my side and let my own beautiful music carry me away. I passed the rest of the night peacefully, getting up feeling a bit groggy and hungry. I went to shower and have breakfast. After breakfast I was told the story of my journey through the shaman’s eyes and understood more fully what it meant.