I don’t think I have ever mastered the art of being…. In order to do so, you must fully understand who you are or even who you think you are. Limbo is probably how to best describe my past and how I lived, just someone drifting from place to place never really understanding what drives me. What did I really believe in? Did I have the courage to speak my mind about those things? Would I be willing to sacrifice myself for those beliefs? I knew I would sacrifice anything for my children, but until we are tested, what does that mean really?
Lately I feel the I am being pulled back to Canada. This is quite strange to me because when I left, my path seemed It would certainly never bring me back there. I have prayed and asked for the guidance of “Spirit” I think because I do not trust my ability to reintegrate myself to the world I left behind. It is difficult to visualize just going back to the way things were, simply because I have returned. Not only has the world changed due to unforeseen circumstances, I have changed. I am closer to just being than I have been for my whole life, a silence deep inside me acknowledging acceptance of who I am. The memories received while in isolation here, the most vivid and true, offering clear understanding, proof or not.
In returning I have been facing some difficult choices, with Señorita Mali being my prime concern. Leaving Canada with her, did not prepare me in my thoughts to a time when I would have to leave Ecuador. It is the child like way I handle many problems, seeing only what is right in front of me, solving one problem seemingly sufficient. When I faced the idea of travelling further into South America at the time of my visa expiration, the reality of doing so with Mali hit home. Had I the money to travel by hiring a car or flying, I’m sure it would have been much easier. However the trips on the bus with her introduced me to the difficulties of depending on public transportation. She was not a welcome traveller in the eyes of many. Therefore when, by making choices to help someone here, resulted in my inability to leave, I felt a sense of relief at not having to deal with the travel complications with respect to Mali.
Did I make a mistake in coming here with my dear friend? Absolutely not! She and I have had a very rewarding experience together, one I wouldn’t trade for anything. She continues to be my light each day. Seeing her so happy, so free, becoming more dog than companion, has been a great gift. Together we have found more of ourselves, more strength in who we are and what we are capable of. There are many quiet hours spent in my days as I contemplate what is now best for her.
It has been suggested by a dear friend, that perhaps she would want to stay here, and indeed I know of a good family who understands our bond who would take her. While I can believe this is mostly true, we share a loyalty from years of sharing a similar pain, and I wonder if she will forgive me for leaving without her. I think of her and the expectation in her eyes each time I prepare to leave my house. She watches my moves, aware of when I will bring her or leave her behind. She accepts both decisions, but of course is most eager to be allowed to join me, no matter where we go, or how difficult.
Chiripa is also heavy on my mind with my decision to leave. Since helping her survive her terrible accident this time last year, she rarely leaves my doorstep. The dogs sense my decision, I am very sure of it. Scrappy has chosen to stay away now. I stopped feeding him with the hope he would do so. Laura’s family feeds him daily, and once I saw how they intentionally called him for a meal, I stopped providing him one. He still joins me on my run or walks to town when he sees me leave, sometimes he comes into my room pushing his face to my hands so I will ape t him. But Chiripa is a different matter.
On Friday she went into labor, her water breaking early afternoon It was not until around 9:00 that night when she delivered the first pup, stillborn. I was prepared for this because it had taken so long from the time the water broke. I hoped the others would follow quickly, but we weren’t so lucky. It was early morning the next day when the second one came. It was breech, half out, unable to come further.
This had been my fear the day I knew she was pregnant again. Seeing her and scrappy locked together, looking into her eyes in that moment, we both knew this would not end well. I had the same experience when Scott was hit by the truck and held his face in my hands. When we looked at each other, there was this knowing, it had been a terrible mistake for him to do what he did. I prayed what I felt as wrong, was hopeful more than once, I was indeed wrong. But Scott knew from that moment, spending his time alone, watching all that was around him as if he were human, absorbing every detail of his life here. It was a beautiful tragedy to watch him. Chiripa has been much the same. The one difference, is she has stayed close, needing my touch.
It has been 7 days now, she has not eaten, starting before her delivery day. She barely drinks any water, her slow death is very painful to be part of. Each time we get medicine down her, I have hope she will want something to eat. Despite her weakened state, she still tried to follow me on my run Sunday morning, and then again to town yesterday. What a strong spirit she has, the heart of a warrior! But knowing she would follow in this state, how will she be when I have to leave for the last time? It breaks my heart, these connections I always seem to make, leaving behind a trail of tears, both mine and theirs.
Today the sun is shining, it is a beautiful day indeed. Just as Scott did before his time here ended, I am making every effort to absorb and appreciate every nuance of my time here. It has been a precious experience, something only months before leaving Canada I would not have imagined possible. Going back does not provide all the answers to my problems, but I find there is more important reasons than those answers.
When I left, it was with the impression I had nothing left in Canada, with the exception of a friendship in the making, one which is in reality bringing me back. Not being able to see ones self makes it difficult to understand others can and do see you. I left with the impression I was alone, other than Mali. Not even my friendship with Patrick gave me much comfort, as in my heart I knew it was not true. His leaving released me of a heavy burden in fact.
It is only now, in my rather desperate situation, I find there was so much left behind in the people I knew. It frightens me this understanding, because I have never gone back, I have only ever left. I feel ashamed needing so much help to leave here, enough I was prepared to accept the end of my own life. I don’t know how I will survive once I have finished with my self isolation, whether I can solve the many concerns I have. I pray I do not disappoint those who are showing faith in me as a person. I am in I unchartered waters, with much uncertainty ahead of me, but I have such good people in my life, I cannot help but be amazed by their presence and willingness to help me.
I believe there was importance in me discovering I was not invisible after all, it was only me who could not see I was there, I had a presence. Now it is time to find out what I can do to help others. Do I start by letting Mali go, allow her to spread her wings without me? I await confirmation from “spirit” as I have given the decision to him It is not one I feel confident in making as I know I am selfish in my need of her presence to give me stability. I do know I want what is best for her., but do not want to hurt her in the process. We shall see what this day brings…….