I forget I have this blog sometimes. In Ecuador, it was a lifeline, a connection to people far away whom I thought I may never see again. Believing this, I felt a sense of freedom in what I said, and I believe it made me stronger.
Have you ever worn a mask in a public place? If so, did it give you courage to do things you normally would not have done? I once wore a mask on stage. We were performing a jazz number in a smaller community, much like the one I live in now. I found I had more confidence knowing I would not be recognized with the exception of those I lived with. I quite enjoyed the freedom wearing the mask gave me, as during that time of my life, I had very little self esteem or confidence. Writing the blog from such a safe distance also gave me the confidence to speak more openly, something I rarely had been able to do.
Being back in Maple Creek, being involved in the community, having direct contact with so many people after so many months of isolation, has proved difficult in some ways. My PTSD is worse as I go through my days, something I did not expect, thinking I had become so much stronger during my absence from this lifestyle. The question is why? The answer difficult for me to grab over the past few week’s especially. This morning I had a realization, one I hope I can explain clearly.
I have forgotten how to be in the company of others. Realizing this sounds absurd, I struggle to find the words to explain. I was isolated as a child until I began school, at which time I was forced into a world overloading my senses. The strength of some people’s energy overwhelming me, forcing me to contain myself in a bubble of protective silence. Like fingernails on a chalkboard, the constant tapping on my bubble then and now, makes it difficult to focus on whatever I am doing. It begins to feel like a threat to my person, although logically I realize it is not. But this makes me angry, and until this morning I could not understand why.
In my protective bubble, I can create a world for myself which is innocent, absent of uncertainty, conflict, fear and anger. I like the feelings I create in my bubble, I enjoy the peace and joy which fills my space – thereby the intrusion of “life” can be a threat to me. I have mini shut downs, where logic, common sense and rational decisions can not be seen or made. The need to walk away and shut the door can be overwhelming. So I make mistakes, my mind cannot accept what is right in front of me. The words on a page are gone, the voice of the person talking to me blocked out, only the roar of a type of white noise is present. It is only when the person leaves, my mind is able to unlock itself from this freeze up and see what would have been obvious to someone else instantly.
It is embarrassing, it is uncomfortable, it can be humiliating. It makes me long for my protective bubble, one which I create in my home wherever I am. In my bubble I can dance, sing, talk to myself, yell at myself and tell people what is really on my mind……..then let it go. But I feel guilty about those feelings because I know it comes from a place of fear. However, and although it probably sounds crazy, it seems to be a necessary step in order for me to feel peace.
Being locked in “the room” during my childhood is at the root of this cycle. It was how I worked through my frustration, fear and anger for being taken from the family who loved and protected me. It gave me the strength to face what was happening to me during that time.
What is happening in our world now reminds me of my own life. We are all being forced into retreat from a world we understood and functioned well in. In our isolation, we cannot let go of the worry of what is happening. We cling to the words of others whether they are true or not because we are looking for hope. We are looking for our freedom to return. We are looking for the peace of mind we once enjoyed without realizing it. We are looking for “normal”. It is confusing, it is frightening, and it creates doubt, uncertainty, lack of confidence and removes our peace of mind. How do we change it? Will we rely on others to tell us when it is safe again? Will we do as we are told under threat of punishment because we are afraid? Or will we say, this is enough? I want proof, this circus is necessary for my well being. I want physical proof that the threat is genuine in my life. This was what I was looking for…….proof, because I do not believe what we are being told. I do not believe there is this overwhelming threat to the world because the rules do not make sense. There is no consistency, no logic, no clear picture of what is happening. Just rules which change every day, and create fear. I am not afraid, I am angry! They have put us all in locked rooms figuratively speaking, not much different than what I experienced as a child. The only thing keeping us there is our fear to decide for ourself what is best for our own well being. I did not have that choice as a child, but we all do now. Instead of asking for the death toll, ask for the survival rate, the severity of the symptoms for the majority of cases. Do not focus on what is wrong, but what is right. Our bodies are amazing in their design and abilities – trust, let go of the fear, believe in the miracle of your body.
I will not be vaccinated. I will not let them test me. I will not use hand sanitizers. If I get sick I will use my knowledge to heal. If I die, then it is my time. But I do not want to live my life in the room they are creating for us. I want to be free to make choices right for me. If this is different from your choices, so be it, but let’s not judge each other for what we choose. Choices made from a place of fear, generally are not wise ones.
So, this mini rampage of late, brought to the forefront of my mind the importance of not focusing on the problem at hand, rather it is best to focus on what is important. We can change what is happening in our world if we change the direction of our thoughts. For me that focus is my Hummingbird Project. It is my bubble of peace and calm which brings me back to centre each night. It is where I find understanding for a better world, comfort during a time of great uncertainty. It is what gives me confidence to face another day as I step outside my protective bubble. My desire to help others like me destroys my fear of these uncertain times. If we focus on the fear, we will not be able to see the light of freedom, just as I cannot see the words on a page when I am faced with a trigger relating to my PTSD.
Change your thoughts……….change the world! What is your Hummingbird Project?