I found the following song yesterday while searching for music to play at work. Perhaps it was a mistake to play it, but once I had heard it my mind began to accept the song was for people just like me…..the disappeared. Yes, I am one of the disappeared, this has been my fate, my burden as I continue to hope I’ll find someone who remembers me.
There was a hollow despair within me as continued on with my day, something I had much trouble shaking. In truth it was not until I spoke to someone else who was struggling that I was able to finally begin to shift gears and offer compassion. My sorrow set to the side so I could feel the importance of being in the “now”. This morning however, I am able to absorb more completely the meaning of the song and why it was written and performed.
I keep crossing rivers,Walking through forests,
I keep crossing rivers,
Walking through forests,
Loving the sun
Every day I keep pulling thorns
From the depths of my heart
At night I keep igniting dreams
To clean every memory with sacred smoke
When I write your name
In the white sand with a blue background
When I look at the sky, in the cruel form of a grey cloud,
You appear
One evening, climb a high hill
Look at the past
You will know that I have not forgotten
I carry you inside me, to the root
And, that you may grow better, you will be here
Although I hide myself behind the mountain
And find a field full of sugar cane
There will be no way, my moonbeam,
For you to leave
I think that every instant survived while walking
And every second of uncertainty
Every moment of not knowing
Are the exact key to this tissue
That I always carry under my skin
In this way I protect you
Here, follow me inside
I carry you inside me, to the root
And, that you may grow better, you will be here
Although I hide myself behind the mountain
And find a field full of sugar cane
There will be no way, my moonbeam
For you to leave
I wonder, is there still someone living who is hoping for my return? Did they choose to hide behind the mountain in order to keep me safe? Was silence the best way for us all to continue living and praying for a day when we could meet once more? Everyday of uncertainty, of not knowing and of wondering has indeed become the fabric of my being. I feel more lost now than ever. I suppose because I had come so close to finding my birth home, only to be forced to abandon the search. Every day I feel further from my goal. My story is more difficult now for me to hear than it has ever been.
For me, I am grateful to have found this song as it helps put into words just how I felt the day I discovered those who raised me were not my true family. To finally have a reason for the almost complete emptiness felt growing up. It explains the sadness which rests inside my heart. Because of the worldwide problem we face, I wonder if I will ever be able now to continue my search for those who know I am one of the disappeared. Will I ever meet them again, feel the joy of the deep connection as we find each other once more? There will have to be unusual circumstances present themselves in order for me to ever leave this country again based on how things are going. Why? Because I will not be vaccinated, nor will I allow anyone to test me, using the current choices of testing. Of course this could also mean I won’t be able to continue working in the near future. We are heading into a time of having to make such decisions. I have come full circle, my life controlled today by the same powers that controlled it when I was born.
The other day when I shared on this blog the beautiful gifts received from those who came into the store, I realized patience is the answer, as it is for many issues. I felt so strongly the evening I wrote my last post, everything would somehow work out, the residual of such blessings soothing all worries. So today as I write once more, I realize getting back to that space where I know everything will be fine is the solution. It is far too easy to focus on what might happen, or where we are obviously going worldwide. But true change comes from making adjustments within, not from discussion. Discussion without action is only a bandaid for the troubled mind, but in the right circumstances it is the beginning of revolution.
Where do we go from here?