I woke up this morning from a dream which made me quite ill. I was gagging and actually felt I would have to throw up because of what I was forced to witness in my dreams. There is no need to remember what I saw, nor will I try. It felt so real and I struggled to come out of the fog of the dream into the reality of the here and now. Somehow this experience opened a door showing me something quite the opposite. The mind is amazing the way it teaches us what we need to learn in order to move forward. Out of something truly awful, one can still tap into our most beautiful gift……love.
I am unable to explain how I was able to transfer out of the horror into the light, but what an amazing gift to wake up to! For some reason, I remembered a line from my script “can you understand, it is love which brought me here”? I was speaking about my father, his love for me the thread keeping me alive. Then I began to see how this thread was woven through so many of my dreams and memories, the very lifeline of my existence. Like something you see in a video when each stone someone steps on lights up with the pressure of the footstep, then disappearing as the foot leaves the space. I think something like that is always magical to watch. The idea we can light our own way through the darkness, truly magnificent to believe in. So with such an image in mind perhaps it will be easier to understand how magical this moment of reckoning was for me, how peaceful it made me feel. Such a stark contrast from what I was going through in the dreamworld. As is often the case, we must first see how dark things can be to understand the brilliance just one dot of light can bring. Our focus is what has importance in any situation. It is for moments like these, I treasure my time alone. But I also give great value to experiences throughout my day while at work, or anywhere, which I am sure inspire such revelations. For each person who crosses my path, each thought shared providing a new perspective, I am grateful; this is how we learn to expand our minds and hearts.
For example, there is a man who comes into the store quite often who is not well liked by anyone I work with. I cannot say why they don’t like him, nor do I want to know. I find I do like him, perhaps because I see something they cannot. I believe people often mistake uncertainty for untrustworthy because they cannot understand the situation of another’s past. Nor do most people want to understand, they only see what they want to see, make their judgments and in my opinion, miss out on a more positive experience. It occurred to me there is truth to the idea, I can be the only person in a room of people who is right, despite all the evidence shown to prove me wrong. I think truth can be manufactured by anyone who wishes to be right. We all have a tendency to search, especially today with the internet, for what’s needed to support our theories. This is why I have decided not to support either side on the worldwide pandemic. By that I mean I will not participate in the reading of or searching for information supporting how I feel. Not that I did much of this anyway, however people do send me information which I have glanced at. Whether I am right or wrong doesn’t matter, but I have to trust what I feel inside about the whole situation. It’s not important to me anymore who believes me, if anyone ever did. My main concern is the loss of our freedom to choose, if no one cares to see the truth in that, who am I to try and change their mind.
I am the daughter of one of the most powerful men in history, made so I believe because of the lies told about him. They made him into a martyr – killing him, cutting off his hands and hiding his body. People worldwide, who knew nothing of his true fight, took up the banner supporting who they believed he was. I care little for his influence worldwide, especially since so much of what happened is buried in a mountain of lies and deception. I care only that he waltzed with me, my tiny feet clinging to his boots. It is his open arms as I ran into them which comforts me. It is the thread of love woven into a cloak of darkness which gave importance to his life in my eyes. The people in Latin America love him because of his open heart, his willingness to die fighting for their rights. It is his open heart which matters most to me also.
The last line of my script “in that moment, just as in this moment, I am free to step into the next chapter of my life. I follow the path of love and light before me”.
I realize I must follow my truth, no matter what it costs me. This is what my father taught me in the short time I knew him. His memory lives on because he lived his truth right to the end. Following this path has cost me dearly, but what would I have lost had I not accepted who I am?