You’re so lucky! What does that mean exactly when someone says this to you? On any given day it can mean many things which makes complete sense. The other day my when friend said it to me, I was confused, so it has gone round and round in my head until this morning indicating it is time to speak about it in my trusty journal.
Understanding where it came from does not dismiss the undeniable truth she has no idea how different my life has been from hers. Yes, she is in a difficult situation right now, perhaps the only one of this nature in her whole life, but of that I cannot be sure – we really don’t talk much about her past. Maybe we should…..
Of course, if I examine her reason for saying I’m lucky, I would know it is because I am in a job which I love, while she is struggling with her circumstances with her business partner. Even though everyday I give my thanks and express my gratitude for the many blessings of my life, I am anything but lucky, it has taken a great deal of very hard inner development to be where I am today, and there is still much more to do! On the other hand, while she has the life I dreamed could be mine, I know life is rarely if at all perfect for anyone, despite outward appearances.
She has a beautiful home, lived in one place for most of her life, raised her children in one secure place, has had financial security, and been married to one man through whatever ups and downs that marriage took them through. I’m not saying they never had financial problems – I simply do not know. In my mind though, she has had the most secure and stable life of anyone I’ve met. I love her because she has an innocence I can only admire, never attain. She has a huge, generous heart and is a gentle, loving soul to be admired for many reasons. Despite what she is experiencing now, she is the lucky one – she has everything I hoped for in my life but could never (and will never) achieve.
From the day her father and grandfather crossed the invisible threshold into darkness, my daughters suffering became my suffering. This day marked the beginning of the downward spiral which became my forever journey in this life. This became the spark which ignited the memories of my own childhood and the abuse I suffered to surface. I have not had an ounce of security or a sense of stability since this occurred. The autumn of 1988 cracked my bubble of perceived happiness, the shattering of which has continued to haunt me. I live with a story which cannot be proven or resolved. My daughter was forever damaged by what happened. This experience became the wedge which tore our family apart, began the separation between us. To date the hurt and suffering has been irreparable. There is no balm to sooth the loss of so much in my life. Nothing takes away the pain, only forcing myself to take another step with hope there will be a day which will inspire a change in their hearts to let me back into their lives. The hope I will meet my grandchildren and experience the blessing of such a great gift – the gift of family, something this life has not allowed me to experience, but briefly.
I have moved at least 30 times in my adult life. My possessions are second hand and represent no connection to my past life as a wife or mother. Any possessions which are new are art related, my one saving grace, allowing me to remain outside the darkness of my past. Patrick’s inability to manage money, keep a steady job, plus his self detonating cycle forced us into moving sometimes twice a year. His ability to burn bridges rather than face necessary changes in his wounded soul meant constantly changing our environment. I am ashamed to say how many times we faced eviction, could not pay our utilities and yes at one point had to look for bottles in the ditch to buy food. We were living in a government campsite at the time, no home, no income other than the monthly baby bonus which was supplemented by selling my art cards and the beadwork I made when we stayed in one place long enough to do so. We spent almost 2 years living on the road in this way, survival was based on extremely careful planning of the very limited money we had.
When Patrick left our home together in 2012, he gave notice for the rental home we were in without telling me. I found out by accident when the landlord phoned to ask when she could expect the premises to be empty. He left me with 25 years of collected belongs to move on my own. He took the car, so I had no way to transport anything. I was working split shifts Monday to Friday and evening shifts Saturday and Sunday – I had 2 weeks to pack up, find a place and move.
I crawled out of the debt burdening me because when we moved to Maple Creek we had no money, everything we bought in order to survive the first few months went on my business and personal visa. Somehow we never had enough left over from our joined income for me to pay the sums down, this was something I managed after he left though. Our joint debt was another matter, something he agreed to pay rather than give me support payments – I trusted him to keep his word. Of course he never did, instead snowballing more debt over the years before leaving for our trip to Ecuador. Yes, crazy as it sounds, we became friends after some years passed by. His near death experience with cancer softened my heart and I felt life was too short to hate or even just be so angry at someone forever. A month before we left for Ecuador, he claimed bankruptcy and the debt he never paid down became my problem. Once again he placed me in an situation where I was and still am standing on a precipice with no safety net.
I am alone, much of my time spent with only the spirit of my father, sometimes my mother and Miss Mali to keep me from despair. I do not feel lucky, but I am grateful for the journey I had despite all the difficult, sometimes impossible situations I have been in. But this is not luck, this is the grace of God, the beauty of my own spirit which has survived so much, yet keeps smiling, which allows me to have this situation in my life today. It is far from secure or stable, it is one day at a time and may be for the rest of my life. But when I look back at the many miracles which allowed me to continue, I have to be completely grateful for so many blessings.
I have lost my family, my children, my heritage, my home, my country, my language and my ability to claim any of these things. I do not even know when I was born, or where. There is no proof other than my own inner truth which justifies my life, there is mostly empty space and lots more questions which may never be answered. To live your whole life basically in limbo with no means of confirming or denying something as simple as your birthdate is not easy to understand I know. This is something people take for granted, this surety of belonging to your parents, born on a certain day, celebrating a life in the sequence intended. But it is is because of this hole, these questions, that I have had such an amazing journey, perhaps only appreciated by me, but there is no question, I have been blessed…….just not lucky. Some wounds will never heal, but at least now the pain is manageable. One step at a time……one day at a time!
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