Telling our stories can change the path the world has taken just as the river must move around obstacles, we too can change the direction of our future. In Ecuador the river taught me to let go of expectation, worry about the future and fear of the past. The river taught me there are always going to be unexpected turns in life which will carry us where we need to be in order to change and grow. Even the mountains which appear so strong and immovable, shift and change with time and the movement of the earth they rest on. As solid as we believe we are, none of us escape unexpected turns as we walk our path. What is important is how we learn to accept the choices in front of us, then take responsibility for the direction we chose. The river taught me we are always in forward motion, the water cannot change its mind and return to where it came, nor can we. Forward motion is the only movement which will inspire us to do things differently. While living in Apuela, I watched the river turn from a quiet stream to a roaring force which was capable of moving the giant rocks in its path. Through the night I could hear them tumble – a sound of power. We too have the ability to move quietly, slowly or become a force removing the obstacles preventing us from forward motion. Fear is the only thing which blocks our path forward – This is how life is.
If one looks at my father from the perspective of the world view of him, it becomes near impossible to accept the possibility I am his daughter. However in the thoughts swirling around in my mind this morning, the imaginary conversations I’m having have given me a higher view.
In order to understand why I never was able to connect who my father was to the world, one must first realize I did not know! He was my father, never seen in the familiar settings of his visible life elsewhere. I was a secret, our few encounters taking place in locations not normal for he or my mother. In my world he was just my papa with no understanding of his role in a life I never knew about. Why would I look for him in the realm of the famous? Or consider him to be so important to the world when my world with him in it was all I saw?
The woman I met in Ecuador 3 and a half years ago who absolutely hated my father and everything he stood for taught me the value of being ignorant of the worlds view of him. I told her I was lucky because I only knew his love. My calmness and acceptance of her view in the face of her tirade amazed me, something quite out of the ordinary for me. Looking back on that moment this morning, it occurs to me, she did not challenge my claim, rather she told me as his daughter, I could not be held accountable for my fathers sins. This is a very interesting point in my mind as I sit in a space so far removed from that situation. She accepted who I was without giving it a second thought. This was incredible to finally realize, something which I was not cognizant of in that moment because I was more amazed at my own reaction to her vehemence.
In childhood, I was removed from the politics of my family – there was no understanding of how dangerous it was for me to have been born. Everyone protected and insulated me from the outside world and the possible dangers, the idea there was such cruelty outside the confines of my happy life non-existent. During those first years of my life all I knew was love and happiness, the shock of understanding how cruel the world was outside my protective bubble is what fractured my spirit.
For me there is no attachment to who my father was to the world, only his love for me. He was not Che Guevara to me – he was simply Papa. That it took me so long to connect the dots is only an indication of little I followed the news, it never occurred to me my father was someone so well known to the world. Because I was told several times to not pursue my quest to find him, there was thoughts he must have had some status which would mean his name being tarnished if he was connected to me, but truthfully I never could have imagined the importance of his place in history, nor my mothers. This has been a very difficult pill to swallow because it means without support from either family, I am still alone with my story. More often than not, I have wished to not know their identities. If I could have kept the memories without the knowledge of who they were, my life would be much simpler. I often get the feeling the necessity for my story to be told has more to do with him and my mother than me. This is what keeps me going down this road. Having their identities has not given me peace of mind, rather it has made the road so much more difficult and long simply because I am a secret those in power do not want to escape.
In certain quiet moments I wonder why I pursue this, why I can’t stop looking for the answers. The truth is, I did for several years, just would not allow myself to look for reasons or for the people in my dreams and visions. It was tearing me apart inside at the time because I was losing my children. But the story just will not leave me alone, the dreams kept coming. I was the person who preferred to hide in the shadow, not be visible outside my home. While on our journey Grama Grizzly told me I had to stop hiding, become more involved outside my home, be seen. I remember saying to myself, that will never happen, I just cannot live outside the shadows. There was another woman met in Nelson B.C. Who told me I needed to wear brighter colors, become more visible to others, and again this was not something I could imagine happening.
Spirit always gets its way though as circumstances pushed me to become part of the workforce which inevitably caused me to be more interactive. The brighter colors and patterns also became something I hungered for, tired of the dark solemn colors North Americans tend to prefer. Coming back to North America after living in a world where more color is more better, was not an easy transition. Working in the thrift store was a shocking reminder of how much black, white and grey people here wear. Whenever something bright came in, if it fit, I bought it as I was in need of a wardrobe after living with so little down south.
Lately Grama’s words have been vibrating in my head, knowing she saw what was necessary for me in order to get where I am today. It has always been a question of getting over so many fears in order to find the solid ground necessary to live on my own. Still, hibernating is my desire, the quiet solitude away from so many difficult energies always at the back of my mind. Given enough resources, I would prefer the hideaway – something I will one day manifest. However, my job is not yet done, so the pursuant of those who can help me widen the net continues.
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