December 23, 2022
As we come to the end of another year and just before that special day so many of us celebrate as a rebirth of humanity, I discovered a nice surprise.
The story of Lori Newkirk Forbes. I volunteered to type up this story for a complete stranger a few weeks back. It’s usually not apparent at the time of offering, what the gift of doing something of great importance to someone else will also give you. I must also connect this experience with reading a local pastors book about his journey working with those who suffer from trauma. He has also suffered trauma these past few years after having a severe stroke which happened through Covid. As a result he did not always receive the best care, and visitors were not allowed. Suffering in silence became his trauma as well – the long road back to his new altered way of life. With both Lori and Hans, I see great determination and great faith in their God.
Both had very loving supportive families and extended church family. In both stories, there is much reference to the bible, quotes are shared on most pages. At first this was difficult for me, the quotes triggered me, perhaps because of the hypocritical beliefs I was raised with. I could avoid the quotes in pastor Hans’ book, but not while typing Lori’s story of course. This morning I received the gift of reading both books.
Both books triggered me because of the bible references Lori’s more so because I was reading and typing each day what she experienced. What was difficult for me turned out not to be her trauma, but how much love and support she had. Her brain injury took her down a difficult path with many twists and turns which were not necessarily welcome at the time. Her family and friends were with her every step of the way with encouragement, love and faith. I kept pushing my deadline to have this story finished back, because I just couldn’t face reading her story, yet was unsure why at first. Realizing my promise to help must be fulfilled and it was better to just get it done, I persevered through what I realized was great sorrow. Combined with what I was going through with Dennis, giving up my one job an important source of income making me vulnerable and facing Christmas, I became suicidal. The triggers were harsh and heavy. This was the turning point for me – last Sunday, the day I sank back into that dark pit this time not wanting to climb out, was what brought me to new understanding, which over the last few days became more clear.
Strangely enough it has also been the elephant image I am painting which has offered so much to calm my soul. In the way I have always managed to do, yet cannot understand how, I bonded with this elephant through the act of painting it while connecting to its photo which in essence means it is in the room with me. This has also made me realize how this has now become a strong re-connection to my son. The photo of Lucas with his head resting on the elephants forehead was a moment in time of great peace which somehow transferred to me. As I work on just the elephant this time, I have been reminded of that very special moment which somehow has united us, at least on a soul level. This beautiful animal has helped me remember, it’s spirit is in me now helping me cope with the memories, more so than actually remembering them. It brings me to tears often as it is clear how valuable this ability has been for me over the years.
While Lori had everyone working and praying for her, with her, to remember her life before the accident, those who raised me did everything they could to ensure I would never remember who I am, who my family really is. While she was given so much love and support, encouraged always to improve, yet not be so hard on herself, I have walked most of my journey alone and continue to do so. While she found her faith in the bible, her church and in her Saviour, I found mine in the journey itself, in the very act of walking it alone which forced me to go inside to retrieve the information. I started with nothing visible or reliable, she started with everything readily available from many different sources. While she was encouraged, I was humiliated. While she was loved, I was tortured, hated. While she was protected in the arms of so many, I was left alone in a room. She had her Lord, I had my papa. She depended on quotes from the bible, I depended on conversations with my father which meant listening to my own heartbeat. She had the church and the disciples, I had the grandmothers. It was when I woke this morning I realized how similar in the end our journey has been, the only real difference being her path had visible tangible help, mine came from the Spirit world, invisible hands reaching out to me always, words whispered in my ear as I slept or sat alone so many times. Many of the quotes I typed for her book, were paraphrases of my own words written these past 4 years which came from my life experiences. It was beautiful to see this odd connection which came from such different lifestyles.
Hans, Lori and I have all found faith in the best way we could for our individual circumstances. This understanding has only encouraged my belief, the importance of telling our stories and listening with an open mind. It is how we get to the finish line which determines our character, our spirit, not the fact we got there. It is not our mistakes, our wanting to give up or our anger and frustration for not being able to get there faster which is weakness – these are our strengths. This is how we learn and grow, become better, wiser and more compassionate. It is when we do not try for fear of experiencing those things which is our weakness. Last Sunday, just a week before Christmas, when all should be positive and happy, I willingly went into the pit of darkness, so I could once more see the light which was holding me. The joy and the love I push out of my self each day comes from that light, it is true and honest, but it is also wrapped in great sorrow and loneliness. What I have noticed is how it has become more natural and in fact easier to allow the joy and light to be seen as I accept more, the lonely path I chose. The hummingbird represents this ability and desire to show the love and light on my own terms.
In this strange way, I developed as a coping mechanism to offset my brains inability to cope with the triggers, this way of forcing the beauty of what I was as a child out when I really wanted to run and hide. This acting skill in a round about way, has been what enabled me to remember what once came so naturally. As time passes, with each difficult situation faced, this way of being returns slowly, bit by bit. It is my hope to one day no longer need to be alone on this path, to one day walk beside someone who understands without needing to know how we found each other, just that I finally accepted there was room for two. Allowing one person to get close will then allow others to become part of my life, which may mean my children will return with the ability to understand the role they each played which became support in their absence.
I felt my mother gave me up because she hated me, thinking what they in the end turned me into, was what I had already become to her because of the tragedy she suffered. I became the pawn in their chess game to achieve their goal, both with my mother and papa. But it is now clear to me it was her intent to protect me, to remove me from the prying eyes which would judge us all, most likely with great unfairness. This would have destroyed me in a much worse way I see now, although she could not have known at the time, in her distress, just how wrong she was to trust those who promised I would not be hurt.
Hate is powerful, but love is invincible! My father never left me, his spirit was always there to hold me when I thought I could not go on. I must always remember I was given the opportunity to let go of this life and the responsibility of what I carried when I was 6 years old. I chose to fulfill my promise. Often I have wondered if God had been mistaken about what I was capable of carrying in this life, yet I am still here so I must concede to that almighty Spirit which knows all.
In the end, I did choose the lonely path, unable to allow anyone in who might hurt me again. I have pushed people away so they cannot first push me. This is because I recognize their need to see me still as a victim, the potential for them to to cause harm as a result. Anyone who sees me as the victim do not yet understand how much I’ve accomplished. I am so grateful for those who see through to the centre of my spirit, whether they know the details of my journey or not.
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