Balance

January 4, 2023

Realizing my father was not just famous, but had a impact on the world never to be undone or forgotten, took him away from me again. The truth of who he was making it impossible for me to share my story without the proof others would undoubtedly need in order to accept my claim. Once I realized who he was, after the excitement of discovering he was real, the sinking feeling of acknowledging it would remain a secret was difficult to bear. I wanted desperately to share what I learned, knowing this man was my father, not because of his being famous, but the beauty of knowing I was the little girl he loved at one time. Still loves. As a result, it is the struggle to keep his memory close in the way I knew him as a child which is where the pendulum swings to now. 

My elephant painting is done. Having moved from the paint room to my sitting room/kitchen, I can now enjoy her image in quiet reflection, rather than seeing what must still be done. This morning as I write, I am in the presence of this beautiful elephant, brought to me so many years ago in the form of a photo from my son. The connection between the two of them, passed on to me through the photo, now enjoyed on a new level, giving me such a calm, peaceful and centred feeling. “Emotions come out from your paintings”, this was one of the comments on my Facebook page when they saw the finished canvas. More than anything, this comment really speaks to my heart and soul, as it means I am correct in my assumption I do paint what I feel into the image. It was a wonderful way to start my day, reading this comment, knowing after so many difficult weeks, I accomplished this important task for the healing of my own heart. Does this mean also then, the image can have the same affect on others?  This would be magnificent for me know, as it makes what I do very worthwhile, but not just for me. And not in a monetary way, just my inner light being seen, an indication I’ve left the cocoon. 

January 6, 2023

The elephant finished on my wall, has also marked a turning point in my journey. Somehow her great soul has transferred its strength and calmness into my own soul. I can feel the wheels turning ever so slowly, which they do at first, as I begin to walk this new circle. In my mind I see the cogs of a great clock which have just been wound. As to be expected, it takes some moments to get the great wheels in full motion. I can see myself on the flat surface of this new wheel, as if it is my steps, uncertain as they are in the beginning, which turn the wheel. This wheel is the official entrance to my new path. It is my decision to fall back, or step onto different, unfamiliar ground. I am choosing the unknown, a bit daunting, but I know I’m ready. This process began the day I quit my job at Home Hardware, the decision of which set the dominoes to fall as I dealt with the consequences of my choice and why it had to be made. 

Beginning a 12 day cleanse on New Year’s Day also marked my desire to start the year fresh. This meant adjusting my diet, which for the first 2 days was almost nothing because I did not feel well as a result of flushing toxins. I am very careful about what I eat, still, I like everyone else, have bad habits with regards to food. Those comfort items which seem to help get us through mini crises. Knowing, in the end they contribute to our inability to deal effectively with those crises, does not stop us at the time.  As each day passes, there is more of a sense of releasing old habits along with the eliminated toxins. So it is both a spiritual and physical cleanse, which makes so much sense to me. I’ve done this cleanse before, the first time was after seeing the iridologist in 1990. This is the first time however, where I truly see clearly the importance in a spiritual way – there is a strong connection to releasing the heaviness of the toxins to my desire to enter the new path. 

Connected to the toxins are the old habits of thinking and doing, I see this now. Newly released from my self made prison, means learning to let go of what no longer serves. Seeing myself wrapped in the bandages like a mummy helped me understand how limited my life was, not only because of my perspective of self, but because of what this projected for others to see. As the bandages began releasing their hold on me, my way of thinking and doing also began to change. A very slow process, taking over 30 years to accomplish due to the severity of the trauma. This in itself is remarkable. Choosing to leave the false comfort of what was a familiar not as easy as one might think. The initial burst of energy releasing me from the stronghold, exuberating  to be sure, but the reality of being out of confined space takes time to adjust to. Hence the fall into the pit after quitting my job, under the conditions which were unfair to me. 

As I cleanse, I see the pattern I’ve lived by, one failure after another, insecurity following each hopeful effort to find success and inner accomplishment. Perhaps this has been what all the dreaming not remembered lately has been showing me. Because I do not have a vehicle, I cannot really go anywhere. One might say I am now stuck in the world I tried to leave such a short time ago. This is how I feel I was seeing it when I came back also. Forced to abandon my plans due to yet another failed attempt to find home, I came back to what was familiar and safe. This is not a bad thing, quite the contrary as it turns out. This was what was necessary in order for me to change the patterns in my thoughts as I watched my life unfold over the last 2 plus years. Because I cannot go out in search of new people, or experience new places, I must draw to me the changes I wish to experience. This means bringing new people into my life who will not see the old Gabriel who most were comfortable ignoring or not taking seriously. Like comfort food, they keep choosing to see me the way I was before I went to Ecuador. Changing their view of me cannot happen or it would have already, so if need be, I must leave them behind as I quest for deliberation on my promise to share my story. 

Frustration follows on the heels of not being able to adequately remove those preconceived perceptions of who I am. It became like a tug of war as I struggled to hang onto everything gained from my time away, whilst pushing back against their needs to keep me in my place. They see me in a superficial way, unable to comprehend my story or the depths of its meaning. In order to survive then, I must find those who will see the importance of my goal, my path to freedom and how what was done to me has affected everyone. This is because it is a political issue, one which began long before I was born, but has snowballed since my time in the camps. We are here today in the mess we helped create because they got away with what was done to people like my father and me to achieve their goal. As we the people, did not demand the truth when it counted for such devastating crimes, as the murders of my father, Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy and JFK, we became part of the problem which brings us to how our world is now run. We helped them escape punishment for their crimes by not fighting back, then fell into a world of consumerism and self achievement, now afraid to lose all we worked for.

It was too easy for them!