Looking Back
January 24, 2023
Looking back is not the same as turning back to what’s comfortable. Looking back is necessary in order to remember where we do not wish to find ourselves again.
Because of the new situation in the space below me which is a retail location, I have been forced to look inside to see why the behaviour of the woman opening her store creates so much frustration in me. Based on the logic, we are affected by the behaviour of others because we carry a similar trait in ourselves which we do not feel comfortable about, I could see my problem. It’s often the simple observations which lead us to inner growth, so the feeling this woman is only concerned with herself or her own situation, giving no concern to how it may affect who lives upstairs, made me wonder about that aspect of myself at this time.
Most of my life, at least before I went to Ecuador and discovered the more intricate aspects of my own persona, I put everyone before me most of the time. I’m not sure this was so much a selfless way of being, more just feeling I did not deserve considerate behaviour towards me. In other words, I was a victim and acted accordingly. These last few years, as I climb out of this hole of abuse, punishment/reward, I see I am absolutely more determined to not associate with anyone who does not recognize my accomplishment. Yes, right now, it is all about me. After standing in line for the majority of my life, waiting for my turn to be understood, I have found myself in the healing mode of selfish need. This is where the woman below and I may differ though as I am and always will be considerate of the personal space of others unless it is not reciprocal. Right now, when she arrives, it is like having a thunderstorm in my living room.
The sudden loud and intrusive noises, the heavy scents which get trapped in my apartment, all pushing me into fight or flight on an almost continual basis. My home cannot, nor should it be a place where this happens. My home needs to be my safe space, where there is guarantee of calm and peace in order to let go of what was experienced during my day. Being in fight or flight is exhausting! My home must be a place of rest, not a place which is a constant reminder of my fear based trauma. Until this woman arrived, I was an island in my home space which allowed me to experience the growth needed to move forward. Although she entered my life in a harsh uncompromising way, I do see the Grandmothers hand in this, pushing me to make the decision I knew was coming last summer, but was refusing to accept. It took the life threatening experience over a week ago when she began to paint and stain downstairs to make me realize it was time to go. My higher self understood the change was for my benefit, however my child self was angry for the forced change once more. The child within cried and gave up because she has been forced to do such changes far too often. The child within is exhausted from all she has given up and let go of. My higher self is ready and anxious for the change which feels so positive and right.
This morning a very interesting thought came to me regarding my home. Thinking about how to describe what it feels like the strangest thing occurred to me. Strange because of my great fear of spiders, so really this is the last image for me to come up with, making me realize it is a gift from Spirit. My home needs to be protected with fine silken layers, exactly the same as a spiders web. The web will be my alarm, just as it is for the spider who feels the vibration of anything which comes in contact with its web. So too do I feel the energy cross the threshold of my protected space. Depending on the person disturbing the web, how I feel at the point of their crossing, will determine my reaction.
From what I have learned from watching documentaries about the spider, their web is so finely tuned in its construction, the slightest movement alerts the spider to possible prey. The instant this idea came into my mind, I felt the truth of what I was told.
But it is not just an alarm, the web provides a protective shield for me as well. As I begin to see the Spirit of the South American bird spider weaving it’s magic across my floor, there is a sense of awe, knowing this process bonds us in a different relationship from my childhood nightmare. As with the dragon, the spider has become my ally due to the journey and my continued respect for its place in my world. This is not to say the fear has evaporated, just a sense of connecting beyond the fear to reach this unified goal.
The spider left its mark on my cheek as a reminder to believe in my past, my story – an undeniable mark from this time of such pain and sorrow. The mark cannot be pushed aside and ignored, it is there to greet me if I choose to see it every time I look in the mirror. Because it is such a common sight, it goes unnoticed most of the time, even by others, yet it remains – the only tangible evidence of my time in the room. To now have the spider work with me to protect me has me looking at the experience from my childhood as one of intention from the Grandmothers who wanted to make sure at some point I would remember and trust in the proof which is so plainly in sight.
I see flashes of something dark moving across my floor from the corner of my eye a few times a day, the idea my friend is busy securing my home takes away my fear of actually seeing it. If the spider was anything other than a Spirit, I would be in a state of panic though.
Though they don’t spin webs to trap food, Goliaths do use their weaving skills in another way: to line their burrows under the forest floor. It’s deadly to small creatures, but the Goliath’s venom is not lethal to humans. A bite would sting about as much as a wasp’s.
Dakota and Lakota decoration often use the symbol of spider or spider’s web. It is believed that any warrior adorned with spider symbol is invincible to arrows and bullets. Just as the arrow or bullet can pass through a spider’s web, leaving it relatively intact, it was believed that the projectile would pass through the brave warrior and leave him unharmed. Also, since the spider’s web is difficult to see unless it is wet, the wearer of spider symbol is given a type of invisibility.
February 11, 2023
I was surprised by a crane fly or what I always called a mosquito hawk last night in my home. Not sure where it came from, but it was flying around my face, so it was obvious to me there was a message attached. Not sure where it went after I waved it away, but how interesting to have it in my home at this time of year as I understand it would be autumn this would normally occur. So this morning I looked up it’s spirit meaning and was pleasantly surprised but shouldn’t have been I suppose. Many changes in my life once more as I prepare to move into a new home. Not so strange you may be thinking, but I have no idea when or where this move will take me. My life is at this time in the hands of my landlord who saw fit to buy me a house in order to get me into a safer environment. To me this is one of the most incredible situations I have found myself in, so am just letting it unfold as it is. I do have to admit, moving without knowing where you are going is a first for me and although it should be unsettling, I have discovered I trust this man and his wife in a way I have never trusted anyone in my life before, since the trauma began. My life really is an amazing roller coaster ride of interesting experiences which never cease to amaze me. I’m so grateful for the journey and all the lessons guiding me to become a better soul.
The life lessons presented since the end of last year have taught me problems do not happen to hurt us, but rather the problems instigate opportunity for the necessary change needed to move into a better situation. Have you ever noticed how what we don’t want, ie in this case me not wanting to move from the comfort of the home I was granted these last 2 and a half years, ends up becoming forced through a chain of events which push us past our comfort zone? Yes this is exactly what happened to me In this situation, there is clarity allowing me to see the similarity of so many major changes I’ve made throughout my life. The main difference lately, is the choice has come from a balanced place, not from fear. Concern, even fear sneaks in once the decision has been made as I realize the situation I’m in has a rather large element of uncertainty attached to it. This uncertainty was not in the picture at the time of the decision, the need to remove myself from potentially dangerous and life threatening situations all that was important at the time. Seeing very clearly because I was in a place of great inner calm, the need to make the move immediately meant ignoring the risks attached to the other side of the choice and what it could mean. Then there is realization, those risks can be replaced with new opportunity which was not visible while in fight or flight mode.
What I became acutely aware of both with my decision to leave my second job, thereby reducing my income by half, then again with this move which is in someone else’s hands, there was a moment when it seemed a switch was thrown and I went into the eye of the storm. Having felt this state of calmness in my dream state with my Spirit Guides, there was complete understanding of what choice I should make. Without hesitation, without fear or uncertainty, I typed up my resignation for the job last December, then recently sent a message to my landlord informing him I had to move. Two big changes within 2 months! Everything happened so fast once the decision was made for both circumstances, it was clear the choice was necessary for my next step. Nothing is ever truly perfect in our lives, but there are moments of clarity which allow us to see how wonderful our world is. We just have to learn a new song so we can leave the past behind and enjoy the future. It’s important to never forget, yet the memories are just pushed gently to the side where they do not get as much attention while we begin to find our way on a new path. Yes it is time to sing a new song!
The Crane Fly Spirit Meaning:
Regardless of the science behind why crane flies like to come inside when autumn arrives, the spiritual omen remains the same. Crane flies foretell the arrival of autumn and the looming, cold winter ahead. Therefore, the crane fly spirit let’s us know it is late in the day and the warm days are running out. That sounds pretty ominous, huh? Well, it doesn’t have to be too literal or too negative. It simply lets you know that a cycle in your life is running out of time. That phase, whatever it may be, will soon end.
This symbolism combines with their previously mentioned status as symbols of transformation. So, not only is the mosquito hawk—as it commonly—known here to tell you that a phase is coming to an end, it is also here to tell you that you have the capacity to make the required transformation. That is, you can become who you need to be in the next phase of your life.
Spiritual Meaning of Crane fly Spirit
Generally, crane flies symbolic meaning indicates that you have great things that are coming into your life. So you need to be happy and avoid focusing on things that will cause distractions. Basically, you need to focus on what God requires you to do. Perhaps, the moment you recognize your gift, then your happiness will keep overwhelming you. The goodness is that God chooses a gift that goes hand in hand with your desires. Equally, with time you will realize that you are doing the right thing and you are making positive impacts in your life.
Crane-Fly Spirit Animal: Summary
Seeing crane-fly spirit implies that you have to become a consultant in your area of gift and be satisfied with what you have. On the other hand, you will meet different people with different skills that can be very helpful towards your path. Therefore, it is a moment to learn how to mingle with different types of people.
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