That Click-bang Moment…..

The click-bang moment. Oh what a lovely moment this is! You know that feeling of a thought or idea, just on the periphery of your focus, like seeing a light (or shadow) out of the corner of your eye? The thought is nothing more than a flickering pin of light which you acknowledge is there, but cannot yet focus your attention on. Still it hovers, just outside your circle of thought, waiting……

The click-bang moment is when your focus moves to include that hovering thought or idea as something happens, like changing a small, seemingly insignificant pattern which now allows for the expansion of thought. This morning I was gifted with one of these click-bang moments – how incredible to realize how it can change so much. 

This morning another out of body experience. This time there was no memory of where I went, the residual as I came back was of fear though. My body was so cold wrapped in fear based sweat – fear really does have its own unique smell which I learned many years ago. So how is this related to my life today?  There are a few reasons I suspect, but mostly the fear comes from believing if I do not help someone, I will lose them. Once again I’m pulled to make a comparison to what is happening in the series The Flash as they do all kinds of crazy things to avoid losing one person – Iris. There is a domino effect with each scheme they come up with as they try to understand not only why this event will happen but how they can prevent it. Death seems to be an impossible reality for them to accept in this series, perhaps because of the super powers which makes them feel a bit God-like. But then it is just a good story with interesting characters who have diverse personalities – the goal to show how the goodness in our hearts can save the day, but maybe not in the way we hoped.  In the real world, death is an inevitable reality which happens for each of us, but not before our time. Trying to stop death only causes more heartache, sometimes making it much worse for the person needing to make the passage. Knowing we did everything possible on the path there to give us more time is one thing, but the lesson is and always has been to enjoy each day as if it was your last.  

Focusing on what we may lose detracts from living. This I know all too well as my life has been one long lesson on this very subject. I’ve spent so much of my life un-lived as a result of the fear based trauma inflicted on me. 

I am reminded of something which happened to me the year we left the Slocan Valley for good, January, 2001. We were living in the small trailer belonging to someone we befriended who showed great kindness in allowing us to stay there for the winter when the campground closed and we had nowhere to go. It was a small space for the 3 of us, but as always we made the most of it. Lucas had the hardest time which was understandable given how old he was at the time and his need to hang around kids his own age, not deal with our troubled adult lives. Still, there were some incredible experiences enjoyed on this almost 2 year walk about. 

This particular situation we found ourselves in, happened as we travelled to Nelson to get groceries. It was New Years Eve actually and there was a full moon, marking the day as pretty special to begin with in my mind. We stopped at the junction gas station and as we pulled in we noticed something was wrong. A woman was on the ground – the cold cement of the parking lot between the filling stations. She was a senior, her daughter and son-in-law standing beside her. They were waiting for the ambulance as her mother had just had a heart attack, unable to move or speak. The daughter was of course distraught, crying and begging her mom not to leave her. While Patrick spoke with them, I found myself a spot to kneel beside this poor woman, holding her hand, connecting with her. It was clear this was her time, but she was struggling to stay for her daughter, this causing her more unnecessary pain. I held her hand and spoke softly to her, explaining she was free to go, if it was her time then she need not struggle to stay. She was given permission to leave. I’m not sure how long we were there, but I continued to hold her hand until Patrick signalled it was time for us to go. My heart felt a bit heavy leaving her, knowing she was struggling, but we felt the ambulance was close and she would get the help she needed. We got into town, did our shopping, our truck loaded with good food which was always such a wonderful feeling as we had many experiences on our journey where buying food was not possible. 

As we rounded one of the many curves, heading back to our little retreat, surrounded by the silence of the mountains and the deep darkness of the country road, I was blessed with the most incredible gift imaginable. The woman whose hand I held on that cold cement pad, passed away, the light of her spirit came to me filling my heart with such joy I felt I could not contain it. There was only this incredible light and pure love in my body which cannot be described accurately I’m sorry to say, because it is wondrous!  This feeling carried for many days after, the amazement of what it meant and how blessed I was to receive it, something which of course has stayed with me. 

When we left the valley for the last time a few weeks later, we could see a funeral procession approaching us from the opposite direction – they were just entering the graveyard as we passed them. We stopped at the little roadside gas station/convenience store to find out whose funeral it was because I could not help but wonder if it was the woman we met on New Years Eve. Indeed we did learn it was her, my confirmation for the gift of her spirit coming to me that night hours after comforting her. Yet another very special gift, to carry with us as we began a new leg of our journey into the unknown. Once more doing our best to learn more about who I am, who my birth parents were and why this could not be shared with me. A very long and winding, yet incredible road. 

We do learn to live without those who pass before us, but it can be a difficult path. Acceptance, this is the key to letting go of our need to keep someone here longer than they should be. Fear of living without them, not being able to cope, stops the natural process we must all go through. My click-bang moment this morning is due to at last seeing how my life choices made from fear of losing something or someone have caused me more pain than was necessary. These last few months have shown me how much my past has created a zone of great fear due to never having enough to feel comfortably safe or free to choose what would help me enjoy life more. Knowing I cannot be sick or have an injury causing me to miss even one day of work or I will not have enough to get by, becomes a heavy burden. 

Helping someone at my own expense, pushed over and over lately to do so, knowing how much it could harm me, feels at once good and frightening. I have been left wondering why I would choose to help someone under these circumstances knowing full well what it means for me. This morning coming out of the fear based “leaving my body” experience, I see once more it is my fear of losing the person I’ve been helping was overriding my fear of not having enough for myself. Despite my need and want to help, there must be consideration for my own needs, so this ends today, right now. If someone is worth having in your life, they will not disappear because you are unable to give them what they need for themself, this is what I must acknowledge and accept. These are my fears, therefore not the responsibility of someone else. It is my job to make the necessary changes to begin looking after me. This has been my lesson, a very difficult one for me to learn apparently. More than once lately and in fact many times over the years, this message has been relayed to me. I have to stop putting others needs before my own. I just could not see how much my fear of losing yet another person in my very small circle kept me from following this advice. By heeding this advice, my confidence will grow as I learn I’m worth fighting for, not because of what I can do for others, but because of who I am due to what I’ve experienced and accomplished in this life. This is the most important pattern for me to change, the little light dancing around the periphery of my mind has been seen, acknowledged and shall be honoured.