January 31, 2019
The last day of the month, and I had a rather interesting dream during the night. It woke me up I think because of who came to me in my dream, someone very unexpected.
Unfortunately I cannot now remember all that was said in this dream, I really should have wrote it down when I woke up in those wee hours of the night. But it was my adoptive sister Ellen that came to visit me, surprising me with her presence. She died many years ago, I had not seen her since 1998, no love lost there. Her actions against my family during those last years was deplorable and so it should not have surprised me to realize how much suppressed anger I felt (in the dream) towards her for the part she played.
In the dream, I am not sure how the conversation we were having began, or where we were. It feels now like she came to me in my home, although I cannot say where that was. I accused her of interfering in my life, participating in the destruction of my family. She told me my father was a bad man and it was necessary. I replied; “ era un hombre hermosa” (He was a beautiful man). She then began to speak in Spanish, something that took be by complete surprise. I think I would have understood her speaking in French as the whole Phyper family came from Montreal. But that she began to have a conversation in Spanish with me as if I would understand what she was saying was truly a surprise.
I said to her ”you took that away from me as well, I cannot understand what you are saying”. It hurt a great deal for me to actually realize that this was the truth and I believe this is what woke me up, I do not remember anymore.
This dream verified some things for me though. The man I grew up believing was my father, was not. There were intentional acts against me which seperated me from my family. And I must have known Spanish when I was young because Ellen expected me to understand it. These realizations are beneficial, she helped me whether she intended to or not. Perhaps like Terry (my other adoptive sister) she has been forgiven her sins against me over these many years since death took her and was allowed to bring me this message. If that is the case, then I too must make a renewed effort to forgive her and accept this gracious gift.
When my daughter was born, she spent the first week of her life in this space, recovering from spinal meningitis, something I had never heard of. I could not touch her, let alone hold her for that time as the slightest movement caused her unbelievable pain I was told. A great gift followed as she was fortunate to completely recover from this illness and come home. There is no way to measure the relief from such an event.
Lucas also came close to death on his day of birth. As you can see here he is almost black, his heartbeat lost during delivery. A pelvic thrust (something else I had never heard of) was done as an emergency measure to eject him quickly. I left my body and I believe he must have left his as well for those moments directly after.
With both of these births, I learned a great deal about the fragility and the great robustness of life and what we can endure when we are faced with such situations. I learned more than anything that there is a “God” or whatever you choose to call him and that it is our capacity to love beyond all measure that is most important. Whenever I find myself allowing the darker thoughts connected to my past creep in, I only have to remember moments like these when life was fragile for a short time and I am able to come back to myself.
I have been looking through all the family photos that Patrick scanned before we left Canada, choosing those I would like to include in the book “Finding Home”. It has been a very emotional experience, but one filled with such good memories, so many beautiful “moments in time”. This was an exercise I really tried to avoid because I knew that it would bring up the whole of my past. Although going back brings up so many beautiful memories, there are also far too many dark moments intertwined with them. Moments caused by the family that raised me as they tried to destroy who I was through my children. There are many sins to atone for on their side.
But the pictures themselves tell a story of happiness about a beautiful family that did many wonderful things together. There is never just one side to any story and these pictures demonstrate this clearly. I hope one day my book will reach my children, letting them see and remember, the good and the bad, and the dynamics that created many of the difficult situations we faced. Every family has this diversity creating conflict, it is a question of being able to accept there is balance in looking at the whole picture. In our case my children will have to be ready to accept the many lies told to them by my adoptive family, which also includes their own father who hurt me for their own gains. Then perhaps they will remember the beauty of our lives together as well.
This journey has been about me looking for that balance as well. It is an attempt to fully grasp the whole picture and the reasons for all that happened. In this way I believe I will also find myself able to forgive. So my dream of last night is a very positive sign, one I take to heart.
Normally I do not follow the news, but because of events happening in South America I have been paying some attention to the headlines. Other stories have also caught my attention being closer to home as it were. So I have been following the Humboldt Crash story and have been struck by the similarity of what I am going through. It is not easy to forgive someone for the devastating loss of your loved one, this is something I understand. But like all things, there is a process and some are ready before others to see both sides of the picture. Those who have spoke of their forgiveness, have my greatest respect and admiration, for this act of kindness. For those who are not there yet, my complete understanding and support.
It is obvious to me from reading the story as it continues to unfold that there is great suffering on both sides. The man causing the accident I feel has handled his resulting situation with dignity and grace. It cannot have been easy for him to face the aftermath of his mistakes. His remorse seems genuine.
The whole picture portrays great tragedy, loss and deep unrelenting sadness, the recovery time inestimable. The time needed to heal cannot be rushed, each of us must be given the respect needed to “get through it” in our own way, our own time. Reading abut their pain and sorrow has been helping me deal with my own ghosts and I am in debt to them for their courage and willingness to share their stories of pain and loss.
This photo for me shows in a sense that picture perfect road that leads to somewhere you love. It was down this road that I ran everyday with Hawk our American eskimo. When I saw this picture the other day, I was brought back to that special time when I was lucky enough to have this time – this road which helped with my recovery.
This road also leads to Hawk’s final resting place, a perfect spot for him to explore in his spirit body. This was our piece of the country in the city and he really loved this road and our daily runs. It was beneficial for both of us. There were many days when this road offered me peace, a time to cry and let go of the pain. It is a place which holds many of my secrets giving to the earth what I could no longer carry, allowing me to walk with more ease and freedom.
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