Letter to Helen
This letter was written as an exercise during my time in my group therapy. I wanted her to know how very small she could make me feel, taking away any sense of individuality I tried to possess.
Dear Mom;
The Christmas season is upon us again. The kids are wishing for snow and ice so they can go skating and bobsledding, but we are having another year without snow. You have asked me what the kids want for Christmas this year and I’m not really sure. So we got the Sears Wish Book out and are making big decisions. The list will follow. As for myself as every year previous, you want to know what I would like. That is why I’m sending this letter. I want to explain what I would like for Christmas this year and every year. In fact for every day of every year.
Since I was a little girl, I have always felt a lot of frustration, guilt, sadness and insecurity. What should have been my happiest days, going through school, meeting new friends and going on dates was scarred by years of sexual molesting. It affects everything I did and changed my perspectives on most everything I experienced. This of course was not your fault simply because you never knew what was happening to me. It took me years to have the courage to stop what was happening and also explain to you what took place. Unfortunately, it came out in a rage of frustration and fear. I expected when we were all calm and the dust had settled, we would all discuss what happened and work it out as a family. I needed guidance and support for I was just as confused as you, maybe more so.
Instead you never brought it up again and no one ever even asked me if I was ok. I learned how to deal with the second phase of this dilemma on my own too. I think I just turned myself off inside and put up a cloak to show everyone I was just fine.
Now almost 20 years has passed and still I feel no comfort for all the pain this has caused. So now we come to the point of what I want for Christmas.
Many times we have had lengthy and heated discussions on this topic, since July of this year, and I feel we only go in circles neither of us satisfied. Because of this I make my first request;
– that you open your mind to be aware that the problem was my sexual abuse and your responsibility to love and care for me once you were made aware of it. I realize you aren’t responsible for what happened before that time.
– my next request is for peace of mind, something I can only get when I come to realize that I wasn’t responsible for what happened. I also feel that I need to know that that’s how you feel.
– my next request is for support while I struggle through all this garbage. I’m so tired of fighting it alone.
– finally, I wish to ask for acceptance. To feel that you love me. Not just to hear the words, but to actually feel like I belong and that your love is unconditional would help to wash away so many of my fears and insecurities.
As you can see, what I want for Christmas can’t be found in a store or purchased anywhere. You can’t buy my love, you have to earn it. And in order for me to respect you, I also need respect from you. Please read this and try to understand it, and that will make Christmas very special for me.
Signed, Brenda
This letter was written for Christmas 1988. The text appears exactly as it was written in the original journal.
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