The Art as I Know it
My artistic expression has been a fantastic journey of self discovery, extending boundaries I believed were permanent. I am always surprised by the positive outcome of the piece I am working on, no matter what the subject.
Early on when I finish the eyes I began to panic, feeling overwhelmed by how much work remains. There is an element of fear when I move outward from the eyes because I know I can fail and failing is not easy for me. I push on through shear will in wanting to believe I can complete the job. I don’t like to give up.
I have found that when working too physically close to the image, especially using technical pens, I tend to lose my perspective. That is the time to walk away, do a load of laundry, bake some cookies or go outside and rest my eyes on something different. When I come back to the work I bring a fresh perspective and can see what I need to work on next. I find it is better to take breaks often when uncertain.
The coyote is the best example of this, leaving her on my art table for over a month before I could finish. The reason being it was not so much about what I drew, but what I didn’t draw. There is quite a bit of white fur on her face and neck, so it was about not putting down lines, especially dark ones. Once a line is drawn in pen it is very difficult if not impossible remove, so I decided to take my time until I had the confidence to proceed.
I just loved working on her. I found she had a very loving personality. I always felt a calmness around her while I worked on this image. I felt close and believed she was a very good mom; attentive and caring while providing the best home for her pups that she could. Where I lived both at the time of drawing her and while writing this story coyotes are considered pests and are well hated, so I can only imagine I must sound a little crazy to those who ranch or farm here. I find the coyote a beautiful animal, but mostly keep that to myself.
I can imagine this must sound strange, given it is a picture and not the live animal I was connecting to, but it’s all there. Their story is in their eyes, so I took the time to pull it out. The reference photographs are of live animals so it made sense to be able to pick up the energy from them and put those feelings and emotions into the image. While working on the animal images I found it helpful to research what kind of life they each might have had, sometimes spending hours looking at the photographs, imagining what I would see if I was in their world.
Each animal would take two or three months to complete, perhaps longer. I would put some time into it each day, but this was not always possible; some days were better than others. Over the weeks and months I would spend many hours at my art table, which was great because I would get some flow and the hours would pass without me realizing how long I had been sitting there.
Some days Patrick would arrive home and come to my table, commenting I hadn’t worked much on the image that day. This became a bit of a joke between us because although I had worked on the image for a few hours, at times pen work makes it difficult to see actual progress.
Drawing the Coyote while living in Creston, British Columbia.
The dragon took six months to complete, the longest for any of the pieces. It was physically larger and there was also quite a bit of time needed to draw the entire body, something I do not normally do. It was a fun piece because there was so much colour and it could be whatever I chose, compared to, say, the coyote which is specifically grey, black and white, no variations.
The dragon is of course a mythical beast, perhaps most well known from the JRR Tolkien story, The Hobbit. It figured prominently in the story and while reading it I decided to draw my first dragon, inspired as I was.
I was attending group therapy at the time, and although I had heard of Lord of the Rings, I had not yet read the story. Patrick and I had not known each other for long, but with what knew he decided it was important for me to read this story and so bought me the four book set. The Hobbit was a wonderful read I enjoyed so much, hardly able to put it down. When Bilbo was in the dragon’s lair I was struck by the similarity of what was happening not just in my life, but in the lives of the other women in my group.
As the women told their stories I began to see we each have a dragon living within. That dragon representing our fear, and our inability to face the world because of that fear, of being stuck in this circle of doubt and insecurity that comes from severe abuse.
Bilbo, small as he was, faced the dragon: fierce, terrifying and mighty by comparison. How could one so small and seemingly lacking the courage and strength as he was at the beginning of the story, stand against this beast? But there you have the answer, it was in his great adventure he found himself to be part of that which forced him to face many situations both uncomfortable and compromising, time and again testing his resolve and strength which ultimately enabled him to outwit the dragon.
These were always strengths he held but remained unaware of until faced with the many trials on his journey. Looking back I now see this is also true of myself. It has been my journey and my desire for the treasure, ‘the truth,’ which gave me the courage to face my dragon. It occurred to me the ladies in the group were not unlike Bilbo in this circumstance because as abuse victims, we have faced many situations like this, often because choice has been taken away and we are forced to face our fear or die a little bit more from the experience.
Recently while in conversation with a friend, I came to the understanding that our shame keeps us from speaking out, believing our situation cannot be understood, so we do not speak of it openly. Personally, I had the belief I would be judged for the problems caused from the stigma of abuse, as though it was my responsibility.
Before the artwork developed and I with it, I was afraid to speak of what had happened to me. However, the more I drew, the more I began to talk about my problems, testing the waters so to speak, wondering as I did if I would be condemned for my story. How did I come to this conclusion? I have asked myself many times.
Why do we the abused accept responsibility for another persons actions, be they right or wrong? But this is why I would only speak of my situation behind closed doors to a select few that could be trusted to not say anything. Many times I was frightened if I spoke of the memories and dreams in my head I would be taken away in a straight jacket, fed pills until I could no longer remember my name and die alone of shame. These thoughts made me feel weak, unsure, and insecure about myself for the majority of my life.
Just over a year ago I decided to go public I suffer from PTSD, and to admit to myself I have the courage to face this often debilitating condition. Of course at the time I worried it would bring shame upon myself, that people would treat me differently and no longer trust I was a whole person. What surprised me was I became even stronger because of my decision to speak out.
I realized I was not weak, never had been weak, but had a strength unknown to most. I could now see it takes great resilience to endure PTSD or anything similar, because of what I face each day. Just opening my eyes and making the decision to take one more step takes great courage. I begin to understand the measure of my strength as I face my dragon’s challenge each and every day. By doing so I have gained the wisdom to know this dragon is my ally and will never let me down as long as I respect its presence in my life and its purpose for being.
I now walk proud, no longer ashamed of my past. This was the gift of The Dragon brought. And while many could not understand the purpose for this beast to be part of Animals Of Inspiration, at the time of it’s conception I knew the dragon was in fact the cornerstone of my ability to communicate through artwork, no matter what the subject. For by facing my dragon, I allowed my past to begin to piece itself together.
When Patrick first conceived Animals of Inspiration, introducing the concept of me drawing the animals for which he would write the narratives, I was truthfully very skeptical. He had only seen a few sketch like images I had previously drawn, endless fun made of them by my first husband Darrell. I could not really understand how I would be capable of such a feat with my limited skill, yet Patrick was firm in his conviction I could do it.
A feeling awakened inside, growing in the depths of my being, motivating me to try. I have always been ashamed of failing so I knew I was taking a risk, the previous laughter and snide comments echoing in my mind as I decided to go for it. Perhaps I made the decision for no other reason than to prove him wrong, but in any case once I was set up, I grit my teeth and tentatively put my best foot forward.
Having free reign over the subjects to portray, my first choice was the lion. I took many breaks as I drew this image with my new set of rapid-o-graph technical pens on my new art table. Starting with the eyes, the visual component of Animals of Inspiration began, one pen stroke at a time.
I felt certain satisfaction when I stepped back, looking at the eyes of this great lion and seeing for the first time….possibility! Beaten down my entire life, taught to believe I couldn’t do anything properly, I was a failure at everything in the eyes of the family who raised me. This is a difficult hole to climb out of, listening to thirty years of demotivating destruction. Yet here in front of me these eyes were calling to me, begging me to continue.
There were days when I could only stare into the eyes of whatever animal on which I was working, seeing something alive in them something I wanted to know or better understand. I began to comprehend their lives, the difficulties they faced, the joys of having a family, and the concern for having to raise them in such a difficult world.
Many who have never really considered the case think animals are soulless beings, on the earth for our amusement, our hunting pleasure, or simply to grace our table. I believe in something different. Seeing their tenderness as they instruct their babies, their fierceness in protecting family, and their grace when just being themselves, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.
We see what we want to see, influenced by beliefs and fears we are taught. Fear forces many a hand. I understand all too well how fear can decide for us as we struggle in our choices, but I have learned through living in the way I have been forced that if we stop and let go of the fear, replacing it with respect, patience and silence, we will see a different path. It took me many years to understand this way of thinking, and I owe much of that learning to the animals, to the Animals of Inspiration project.
I was never allowed a pet growing up, always told they were smelly, dirty animals, and were definitely not allowed in the house. Still, I had animal friends from around the neighbourhood come to visit whenever I would hide by the shed, attempting to get away from the badgering of Helen. They came to provide comfort for the short time I was able to spend with them, giving me a sense of balance and peace. At the first opportunity I purchased a dog and name her Jessie.
With the exception of a few short years, I have had animal companions my entire adult life. Everything from fish to dogs . There was a time we had goldfish, turtles, tropical fish, rabbits, a canary, a cat and dog, all of them important to me, all of them leaving a hole when for one reason or another I had to say good-bye. If they left us, inevitably I would dream of them within a day or two of their passing, even if they weren’t in our care. This spoke of our deeper connection beyond them being my pet, a presence I have always treasured.
I feel I was able to apply this ability to connect with the animals when it came to drawing them, although I cannot necessarily understand how I did it. It is in their eyes and in every picture, the invisible thread of each animal drawn for the project, which when woven together became the rope I used to pull myself from the darkness of my past.
I truly love these animals. They saved my life and taught me more about myself than I understood was possible, showing me the intricate puzzle that is my personality. There could be no greater gift than this discovery of self which allows me now to live a fuller life, no longer hiding in the shadow of fear. I will always love them.
This picture was taken in Slocan, British Columbia. I had my own little room and this was my “Happy Place”. You can see the cougar image I was working on in the background.
This was a red letter day for me, to see my images on the printing press. It was a time when I began to believe I could be something more……that failure was in the mind and I had been cultured to accept that belief. This day gave me the hope the seeds of a different perspective could be grown in my mind.
This is me working on my squirrel while living in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan.
I was so very fortunate to have this incredible studio for a short time. I still miss this room and the wonderful opportunity it provided me for self discovery. Patrick built the desk to fit the room, so it never worked anywhere else I lived, but still he was able to gift me this great healing space for that very important time.
Authors note:
Animals of Inspiration was Patrick’s vision, something which was originally incorporated into this book, but has since been removed. Because he abandoned me in Ecuador almost 2 years ago, I have divorced myself of everything connected to him, including my loyalty to him as a person. Although I felt his idea was quite beautiful and an important aspect of our relationship over the years, often the only connection, I do not wish for that long lost connection to accompany me on the path I walk now. I am finally free of him and the terrible hold he had on me.
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