Quiet Witness
It is difficult to imagine what it must feel like to live in the vicinity of the tiger, aware an attack at any time by this great cat is a real possibility. Although humans are not a preferred food source of the tiger, deaths still occur.
It is an animal of great strength and beauty, magnificent in its natural world. Yet it has ferocity, swiftness and is at times unpredictable….an animal demanding our respect.
Before I began to remember my past, I did not realize how much courage and strength I possessed. For almost thirty years I believed I had led a rather ordinary, uninteresting life. I hadn’t had much reason to see myself as anything other than simple and down to earth.
When I am drawing an animal it becomes very personal as I look into its eyes. It may seem strange to anyone who doesn’t understand, but these animals take on a life of their own, telling me who they are. It is a wonderful feeling to let go and feel their spirit as I draw. Because I am self-taught I don’t harbour great confidence in my ability, so each piece is a challenge. When drawing with pen the dark lines laid down they are permanent, so I take my time remembering to remain aware of this.
Once this image was finished, the tiger was framed and hung on the wall at the top of the living room staircase. One afternoon a neighbour came over for tea while our children played together. One of her children was much younger and was not playing with the others, wandering around on her own. While her mother and I were busy talking over our tea and cookies, this little girl found her way to the staircase leading to where her sister was playing. She had climbed most of the way then suddenly began screaming, great panic in her voice. We jumped from our chairs and ran to see what was wrong, afraid she had hurt herself.
We found her sitting near the top of the stairs, staring at the tiger on the wall, shaking and obviously terrified. It was a great relief she hadn’t been hurt. It wasn’t until later when everyone had gone and I was alone with my thoughts that I realized how she had seen life in the picture, frozen in place at its unexpected presence. The duality of the tiger’s spirit was clearly displayed by this poor child’s fear.
It also showed me the duality of my life from a traumatic time hidden for so long. My past, like the tiger, is silent witness hiding in shadows of my mind. Though during the time I was drawing the tiger I had not yet recalled my childhood trauma. Pooling my courage and survival instinct has helped me deal with the difficult choices I have faced both on my own and with my family over the years.
When Patrick came up with the idea for Animals of Inspiration, he didn’t ask me to draw certain animals, but left it for me to decide which ones I would draw and he would write the narratives for my choices. So I cannot explain why I chose to draw the tiger, but throughout our life together Patrick and I often faced difficult choices without easy solutions. Many times we had to face humiliating circumstances and make a choice that meant starting over. We were struggling to keep our home, our vehicle, and still provide a safe environment for our family and animals. We made quick decisions, sometimes unpredictably, moving on to what we hoped would be a better opportunity.
Only recently have I begun to see it is right for me to want respect for the person I am, for the courage I have shown, and for the strength I have found bringing me to this place of deeper understanding after so many years. I must first of all honour and respect myself for these qualities, become the tiger I had the honour to know, and accept the qualities of this great cat as part of my being.
Categories: Finding HomeTravel Diary Entry
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