September 29, 2024
It’s difficult not to think of the life changing experience had this time last year, which directed me onto a path to Bolivia. It all happened so fast, my fear did not have a chance to stop me. And yes I was quite uncomfortable going on my own as I faced not only the possibility of discovering everything I believed to be untrue, but also because I wasn’t sure if they would let me leave the country. It was only in 2017, coincidently the same year I realized who my father was, you were allowed to remain unpunished for admitting your allegiance to Che Guevara in some South American countries. Told repeatedly not to pursue my desire to learn the truth along the way, as it was not safe to do so, I have continued to uncover each stone found which helps me see more clearly. Living without the truth is not an option, so I persist despite my fear, often jumping then asking questions later. Knowing the answers before jumping though would most likely have stopped me.
As I sit here thinking about the new turn my life has taken, allowing a man to get close to me, as well as reminiscing about last years events, a thought jumped into my head inspiring this entry. The Tree of Life. As I run my fingers over the smooth stone of the pendant purchased in Bolivia, I allowed my thoughts to explore why this symbol has been so important, how it’s connected to my fathers gift so many years ago. When papa reintroduced himself to me, The Tree of Life was his gift to me. In and of itself this symbol carries great meaning as it represents our connection to a higher being, no matter what name you give it. At the time of receiving papa’s gift, it seemed to represent my connection to him, a reminder to never stop trying to find my roots.
This morning I was given a new picture, one which shows how we all have this tree in our bodies as it is our connection to our heritage, our family and a connection which cannot be broken. Papa was giving me my heritage back, both by introducing himself and by showing me with the tree, I was part of something greater than I realized. This is what they took from me when they brought me to Canada. Grama Grizzly said my spirit was shattered, but that was not all – they uprooted my tree, ensuring there was no connection to my home, my family and a heritage to be proud of.
To receive the physical representation of this Tree of Life, from a man so similar in looks to papa no less, and on the day after visiting his execution site, implies there is no longer a disconnect. By visiting La Higuera, my tree has been re-established and is growing stronger each day. To have this man come into my life, just weeks ago so close to the anniversary of my journey south, has answered a prayer from so long ago, I thought it had fallen on deaf ears. This man seems to have the strength and integrity of papa – he is everything I asked for, literally a dream come true. Yes he could be the man I dreamt of years ago and yes it is difficult to accept this because I have never gotten everything I asked for in the past.
This afternoon while outside fixing my Buddha painting, there was a satisfying moment when seeing Sapphire fly towards me. He was low and gracefully moving in my direction, totally captivating me. Not since Bolivia has he come so close. In fact it has been rare for me to see him this year at all. My heart was calm, I was calm, a stillness felt because of the connection and recognition his presence has significant meaning.
There was realization how important it was to let go of this man, the books, my art, everything which has possibility of an expected outcome. Today is the first day I wanted to paint, needed to tell a story, wanted to share my thoughts through writing. If I had not been outside touching up Buddha, the moments with Sapphire would not have happened. After walking with my girl friend tonight, doubt crept back in even though I did not share any of what happened this past week and the ups and downs went through. My positive outlook regarding his arrival was met with hesitation and a strong desire, I believe to slap me out of my dreamworld.
Still, I went to sleep with some residual doubt, traces of my friends concern for me felt, my appreciation for her friendship gets stronger each day. My circle, though small has become stronger. If asked, even though I want to, I would say I don’t believe he is coming to visit me, that we shall actually meet and have a relationship. I told him at the beginning, I would not believe until he was standing in front of me and this is the truth. If this has all been a seductive scam, then I’ve learned from it, grown from it and gave my house a good cleaning as a bonus. He made me feel beautiful and wanted, this is a gift to be remembered. The sadness will go away as I continue alone and hopeful.
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