Breathe……

At the end of October 2012 Patrick left me. We discussed the possibility of living together as friends, something I simply could not accept and told him so. How could I live beside someone who was supposed to love me, who I was in love with for just over 20 years? After the discussion, he made plans starting with giving notice on the house we’d been renting and just moved out. He did not let me know I would have to move in a month, something I only learned when the landlord phoned mid month to ask when she could begin showing the house. He took the car and only what was in his man cave, leaving me to deal with a lifetime of belongings. At the time I worked split shifts 4 days a week, then 2 days of just the evening shift. 

Devastated, I lay on the bathroom floor crying, completely unwilling to get up and face the day. Patrick inflicted a lot of pain over the years, often encouraging me to foster self doubt, incapability, and a valueless existence without him. On this day, discovering I had no home, no vehicle and no one to help me, was the day I realized I could not get up again. 

Three incredible things happened on this day however, changing everything, reminding me giving up should never be an option. Changing direction due to obstacles, yes, but giving up – no!  

As I lay there in despair, the sound of crickets filled the room (the first incredible thing), letting me know I had just received an email. Somehow this sparked hope, curiosity getting the better of me, encouraging me to get up and see what news there was. I suppose from so many years of being shown anything can happen to change your life, was enough. Not knowing what to expect that could possible save me in this situation, I took a look at my email. How surprising the message would come from my son who shared with me the poem “Breathe” which he wrote for me because of his fathers actions. He did not even yet know the worst of it, but the poem filled my heart with so much love and joy, there was this idea suddenly I would be ok, more than ok…..I was on my way to a better, more rewarding life……the world was mine from the start. 

The second incredible thing was due to me finding the courage to reach out to my boss at the time and explain what happened. From the conversation, a home was provided, although it did come with a bit of a problem for the first month. However how could such a small, by comparison, problem ruin this fabulous, life saving news. Without a vehicle, there was rather a big obstacle in my path, but emboldened by my new good fortune, I also contacted Patrick and placed all my anger on his shoulders for what he did to me. Out of this conversation came the understanding, as the car was owned by both of us, we would be sharing it until such time I was able to buy my own vehicle. We each had it for a two week period which I claimed right away so I could begin to bring things over to my new place. 

The apartment which would become my new home was above the coffee shop, which my boss owned. Her accountant used the space for her office at the time, but was planning on moving into the attached building where the coffee shop was moving to. My need only bumped the timeline up – the space would have to be shared for the first month or so, which was completely acceptable to me. I had a home!

The third incredible thing happened at work. It was a Saturday evening, the restaurant was busy, but because it was November, I worked alone. This was when I met Steve. Actually, I had served him many times, usually on Friday evenings and normally he came in with a companion who I believed was his girlfriend or wife. He was an RCMP officer, a black man and very strict while in uniform, so not much liked by anyone here. Because I’d never dealt with him, in other words having no bias, it was always me who served him. I never judged him – he was my customer. As with all my customers, I learned how they liked things and did my best to remember those details each time they came in.  He was always a generous tipper an indication my service was appreciated.  On this night for some reason he decided he needed to be formally introduced to me, something which was really a surprise as it seemed he was in a relationship. My boss took the liberty without my knowledge to explain my situation to him, and so when he came up to pay for the meal, he gave me his phone number. You could have knocked me down with a feather, honestly!  

My curiosity for the second time on this day, inspired me to text him when I got home. We made arrangements to get together, once he clarified the woman who I’d always seen with him was just a friend through work. Just someone to hang out with. The most amazing thing came out of this friendship, something to this day I still marvel at. This man almost single handedly moved me. While I had the car I brought over boxes and small items which could fit in our little VW Jetta during my break, on the way to work for the evening shift. A routine began where in the morning, during my break and after work, I loaded boxes and piled them at the door. Steve would come by each evening while I was at work, load up the boxes bringing them to the apartment. On the last Saturday, the kitchen staff where I worked volunteered to help and together we brought over a good sized load, however Steve moved the bulk of it, including the furniture, on his own which was amazing considering the steep staircase he had to climb. Between the two of us the job got done – we made quite a team actually. 

So the day that began with me on the floor unable to get up, feeling so broken, unwanted and ashamed, ended with such an enormous sense of accomplishment brought on by the generosity of others who showed me I was not alone after all. The words in this poem so appropriate for the situation, lighting a spark in my heart once more.

Breathe

Breathe, take in this moment
Close your eyes and feel the beating of your heart 

Today found you a brand new start
Edge of the world’s the time to fly
Shaking your doubts that stay your feet
Just breathe…
Take me to a brand new start
One where you’ll feel no broken heart
Where no dream was left behind
That place in mind
Just breathe….
Not a thing but fear could stop a spark in the heart 

Feel the beat, breathe in hope
Smile at fear and jump from the edge of what you know 

Belief brings you wings
The world was yours from the start
[ by Lucas Chudleigh ]

Life is about change. Difficult issues which arise teach us to look deeper inside to understand our character. Looking back, there were so many times when giving up would have been simple. However there is realization that wanting to give up was only a place of rest, allowing me time to see the gift in the lesson, then getting up to try one more time to defeat this dragon (PTSD). The complications of my life, my story, not easy to understand for anyone, which is appreciated, but it does make for a lonely existence carrying so much on my own. Sharing my thoughts and stories here, gives me hope someone is listening and therefore, getting up one more time. Smile on your face, renewed energy and hope in your heart!  This is how each day begins with me…….feel the beat of your heart and let it show you the way.