Choice…….

Hell is not a single destination with fire and brimstone, the devil standing there waiting with his pitchfork. No, hell is coming back to live another life, to face the consequences of your past actions. Hell is not being able to understand why you suffer so much in your new life. Hell is learning how it feels to be on the receiving end of your past choices. 

People think murderers are all lunatics, people with mental imbalances. On one level yes, this is accurate. But how many people who have killed someone, did so because they found themselves in an uncompromising situation? How many suicides happen because they see no way out, wishing to shed their life like a reptile sheds its skin?  Every ending is a new beginning, so if dying meant being given a chance to fix what we could not in this life, would you take it?  I don’t believe suicides end up in permanent hell because they took their own life. We are given a conscience and free will, so such a choice simply means, in my mind, starting over and striving to make better choices on the next round. 

When we return, we do not retain the memories of our past life – that would make it too easy. No, we must weave our way through the matrix using only our intuition, the déjà vu being our guide, if we let it. There are always small nuances reminding us to step in a different direction this time if we allow ourselves the time to think before acting. Not every choice will be this way, of course that would make things impossible to move freely, however we all know there are turning points which take us down the major roads in life. Most decisions are just the tributaries, but there is still importance to them as they lead us to the larger decisions we must make at some point. 

How do you feel when you are in a corner and must make a decision you really would rather not make?  This is how I felt when I received my letter from the army. Because I knew well in advance this choice would have to be made through one of my jobs, mentally I had lots of time to prepare. Still one never knows how they will react when the time comes. This is the challenge, this moment of pressure when you realize the choice you make could end your life or at least cause you great heartache. Are you prepared to face the consequences of your choice? You notice these choices seem very black and white, no grey zone to give you comfort. This is because they are the pivotal moments which define our character development in this lifetime. Will we choose to go round one more time? Or will we take our step out of that circle into a new one? 

My decision to step out of that circle was easy as I have been in a punishment / reward relationship since I was 2 years old. This was not a circle I wished to remain in another day. Since making my choice, I have found freedom  in a very unexpected way. Freedom starts with our thoughts. If we feel pressure to make a decision giving us the uneasiness in our belly, then we know it is not in our best interest, rather it is to please someone else. This is not freedom, this is the beginning of a punishment / reward relationship. 

Looking back, although along the way I made many choices which slowly gave me the confidence to stop the abuse, I can see how my first conscious step out of the repetitive cycle my whole life revolved around, was when I stopped choosing to put Patrick’s needs before mine. He decided to end our marriage shortly after that. I took another step out of the vortex, because indeed it took several small steps and a few giant leaps to extract myself from the comfortable trap of my life, in Ecuador. Once more the step in this direction had to do with Patrick and our failing relationship. His expectations for me to care about him before myself became overbearing emotionally, especially while he was going to great pains to ensure I felt were it not for him, I would be nothing. He decided to abandon me while we were living at the shamans hostel during the first few months we were there. Rather than cry and fight for him to stay, I said nothing allowing him to do what he felt necessary. Of course I was quite frightened knowing he would abandon me in this way, but I had gained enough courage to not give in to his threats. In the end he came to find me, letting me know he would continue on with me. Nothing was really the same after this outburst of his, my trust diminished a great deal. 

It was actually a great relief when we met a couple who he ended up spending much of his time with, leaving me to myself. I began to understand the freedom associated with independent thoughts which were not destroyed by him. That I wasn’t bothered by his constant absence, seemed to frustrate him and he came into my room one day and yelled at me. Without giving me the ability to respond, walking away after accusing me of never caring about him or his needs, there was complete understanding we no longer could pretend to be friends.

After his temper tantrum, we did not speak for over a week, another large step out of the circle for me. There had just been too many situations where his behaviour to the locals was inappropriate, selfish and discriminating. I did not wish to be associated with him because of his embarrassing actions. It was not long after this, we parted ways for good. He left without saying goodbye and has not been heard from by me or by those we met in Ecuador, to the best of my knowledge. I know he kept in touch, at least for a short time with the couple he spent so much time with because through chance I discovered he was aware of my circumstances during the strike. I did my best from this time forward to not share my intentions with those people again. 

But those who enjoy having control in this way, lie and manipulate people and circumstances to get what they need. It would not surprise me to discover he still gets information about me from someone we both knew. I just don’t care anymore what he thinks he knows or understands about me. My life with both of my husbands and the family Phypers was my “Hell”. The importance of finding my way out of the continuous cycle of abuse my main goal for this life. It is my great hope by taking the steps both while in Ecuador and during my return to Canada, especially during the first few months, has helped me dissolve the bonds to past lives requiring such karmic debt be paid. My time alone over the holidays spent putting myself under a microscope, learning about my strengths and weaknesses. How to move forward from this point?  Well it starts by accepting each day may be the last, acknowledging both the fragility of life and the resilience of spirit and body to keep going when you thought you were done. The complete understanding, it is happiness, joy and love which must be what fills my days, not the depths of despair our government wishes us to focus on. 

A woman came into the thrift store one day, the last day I worked there actually, and made a comment which gave me food for thought. She said if they could give her a shot to extend her life (she meant the non vaccinations), then she was gonna line up for it. The thought which came to me was, “how do you know it did not shorten your life”? I mean who knows for sure if the choice saved you or not.
So today as these thoughts go around and around, it occurred to me if we are meant to live another day, the means will be provided for us to do so. If our time is up, then circumstances will lead us to our end. Another thought helping me let go of my worries about sustainable living. Who knows if my choice to come back to Canada extended my life or not. Knowing a way would have been found if I decided to stay is logical because if I was meant to die, it would have happened. So yes our choices define us, help us realize where we are on our path. It is not whether my choice was right or wrong, more can I accept the consequences of doing so? In the end, I am still in a situation of restricted movement, restricted income, and a great deal of isolation, so not a whole lot different. Yet it seems to me being led to the same place, just different location was inevitable. Life here in this moment, is exactly where I am supposed to be in order to take the next step of my development. Living without fear of not having enough. Having faith and trusting the path I am on is exactly right. Not so easy though is it? We continually feel if we had made a different choice we would not have ended up where we were trying not to go. But this is karma, this is our spiritual path.

Not being caught, or seemingly not paying for decisions which harm others in this life, does not mean we escape the punishment. The only way we can learn and understand completely every aspect of life, is to experience both sides of any conflict. This is growth, this is the path to enlightenment, this is how we achieve our goal of being in what many refer to as Heaven. There will always be a debt to pay for our choices whether in this life or the next. No matter how good we are at deceiving ourselves, the energy from whence we came sees all, there is no hiding in the shadows. Great importance placed on our efforts to change and grow, strive to be a better human being. This is the path we all find ourselves on, albeit different stages. Those gone before us who inspire us to reach higher are those who have learned already what we now experience. 

There are roads leading to both Heaven and Hell, or your version of what these destinations represent to you, it is up to us how much time we spend learning where we want to be. I honestly do not believe in the space in between some call purgatory which keeps souls in limbo, nor do I believe souls are damned for eternity. God is love, therefore forgiveness is always on the table, it is up to us to ask for it, work for it and be prepared to return it