What a horrible experience, this dream which woke me up around 1:30 am. Overwhelmed with fear from what can only be described as evil intentions, I lay awake, as the panic attack began. I was terrified to close my eyes in case the dream continued if I managed to fall asleep once more.
Relying on my old tools from similar experiences in Ecuador, I reached a point about 2 hours later allowing me to face the idea of sleeping again. I have been dreading writing this dream in my journal, not wanting to stir the emotions encountered because of it. Realizing, as I tried to work on my puzzle, I was not going to be able to relax until I wrote the story out, here I am describing something I’d rather forget. Earlier, while doing the breathing exercises to calm down, the experience had with the young man who came into the store whose eyes became those of my father, began to have more meaning. The gift came In preparation of the trauma this time. My father was giving me the strength to face what was coming. Thinking about what I saw in the dream reminded me of what the shaman told me after my ayahuasca ceremony. He said the family which raised me tried to make me into a monster. They were very cruel to me.
Everything leading up to the last part of the dream, is lost. It was as though it was just nonsense, or clutter in the back of my mind. This makes me assume how I got to the final part of the story is not really relevant. Whoever I was with, and myself were suddenly in a situation where there was need to rescue a woman from an attacker. Her scream frightened me, our enjoyable evening up to this point forgotten as we raced inside the building looking for her.
Her attacker was high on something, at least this was what I felt at the time. There was 2 men with me, we were trying to get this man off of her, but he had incredible strength. I’m not sure who did it, or where the knife came from, but suddenly I was watching one of the men who arrived with me slice open the crazy man’s forearm from wrist to elbow. Everything changed in this moment, details about what came before gone! There was no blood coming from the wound and then the crazed man turned to face me. It was as though he wasn’t human, I froze in terror, defenceless. I felt someone slide the blade into my hand which was behind my back. I woke up with the desperate feeling I was supposed to kill this man.
The blade felt cold and so real between my fingers, the feeling lingering as I woke up. I couldn’t get the image of his wound out of my mind struggling to understand why it wasn’t bleeding. The evil connected to the dream was heavy in my space as I walked around my apartment trying to clear my head.
So there was one more memory after all. There was one more terrifying situation in my mind needing to be released. All I can think about today, is please let this be the end of it. I’m so tired of my past and the horrors which reside in my memory. But mixed up in my thoughts as I tried to breathe my way out of the panic attack, was the idea it was the future, not the past, I was seeing. In the attempt to make super soldiers, have we only made monsters? But the words of the shaman echoed in my mind, the possibility it was my past making more sense.
Years ago we met a woman while we were living out of our vehicle. She invited us to stay with her, which we did for 2 weeks. After having a difficult dream one morning, she talked to me, helping me understand the possibility of its intention. She also explained during this conversation, they tried to get me to kill someone, but couldn’t. This explained my great fear of knives. They could not break my spirit to such an extent, I would take another’s life. Once more the shamans words seem to confirm what she told me. But also feeling the blade in my hand while inside the dream begins to connect these fragments.
There was so much heaviness in my heart, the moment his arm was sliced open, just replaying over and over.
It must be terribly difficult for many to believe there is such evil in our world. If you have never experienced the level of fear associated with extreme acts of violence, how can you comprehend it? Seeing such scenarios played out on TV or in the movies, is probably not connected to reality for most people.
I am reminded of the story Ender’s Game, written by Orson Scott Card. It was an unusual story for me to read at the time because it is classified as science fiction. Because of dreams experienced during that period of my life, it was I believe the alien aspect of the story I was curious about. In the end what fascinated me about the story, was how they manipulated Ender and the other children into fighting a war under the guise of playing a game. I often think of this story when reflecting on my past because there are times when I feel the same kind of manipulation. How much they hated my father to put me through such hell!
Another person who entered my thoughts this morning after the dream, was “The Butcher of Lyon”, who was hidden in Bolivia by the U.S. government. One of the SS elite rescued from persecution during the war crimes trial in France.
Despite sending whole families to death camps, the US recruited him as a CIA spy and smuggled him into Bolivia where he helped spearhead a brutal narco-state.
Barbie’s initial escape from justice was a mistake that contributed to a cocaine trade which was as vicious as it was lucrative and justice was not served until many years later.
Klaus Barbie continued to not only torture, but taught the Bolivian army his techniques. He apparently enjoyed torturing children and women. I speculated in my book, “Finding Home”, he was responsible for my torture. It was quite by accident I discovered the information, a story connecting him to the capture of my father how I learned about him. Seeing his picture brought back feelings of terror. So in the wee hours of this morning, to suddenly be reminded of him through the brutality of the dream was logical.
Enders game was also an interesting connection because of the fact the man did not bleed in my dream. Was he part of a game experienced in something similar to a simulation? Under great duress, reality can be manipulated – the lines get blurred especially if someone wants to ensure you don’t learn the truth. Mind control.
As I learned in my marriages, when I am threatened physically, I become a rag doll, going deep inside so I am unable to feel what happens to me. My defence mechanism is to shut down, not fight back. So it would not have been a normal reaction for me to stab the man about to attack me, I would have zoned out instead.
As I look around my very private and safe space in the light of day, trying to push the dream away from me, I can’t imagine what normal people experience in life. How lucky everyone who knows nothing of this tortured mind of mine is to have never experienced such terror and loss! Do you even understand how fortunate you are? Is there any room in your thoughts each day for what I experienced, being possible? I truly hope not. I wish I could trade with someone lucky enough to have never known such hate and evil, even for just a day. To have rest from all that hangs over me, anticipating even when I don’t mean to, what may come out of the locked room in my mind. Today it seems endless, the string of memories coming back to haunt me. I keep trying to get back to that wonderful moment of peace felt when I looked into the eyes of my father, which now seems to have happened a lifetime ago. Forgetting is temporary, the truth always shows it’s face, seeing its arrival, not always welcome.
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