December 25, 2024
This has been such a year of change for me, sometimes blindsiding me quite strongly, forcing me to accept the unknown with new perspective. It all began with Bolivia and accepting a truth which can only be seen by me. There is no proof of who I am, it is only my connection to a man who loved me enough to never let me go, who saw in me something worth saving, which confirms the truth. This is not something I can ask anyone else to accept, it is my gift alone. Bolivia taught me to trust beyond doubt in my journey. Yet going to Bolivia seems to have caused an avalanche of difficulties which threatened to overwhelm me because I could not, nor can I (still) share what I went through on that mountain.
There have been 2 such occasions in particular, each asking me to look deeper into my heart and find the strength to accept such significant changes. The first situation bumped me out of the comfort zone I was just finding a groove in, as my past caught up to me, showing me a (very difficult) solution to reconcile what I previously tried to fix, but could not. The second one had to do with the heart and my willingness to accept the possibility of self worth. Sort of like a mirror image in a strange way, as one situation was about letting go of the fear of not having enough, while the other had to do with the fear of accepting more than I felt was deserved.
This year has had me see clearly just how incredible my life is, how amazing the people around me are, how accepting they have been, as each one is responsible for showing me a new way to take my next steps. Over the last 4 months, patterned responses which in the past, helped me feel safe and strong have had to be shed – they no longer serve me. Not as easy as it sounds, as it means I must see myself with different eyes, accept my own value, try to see what others see which is much different than I ever believed.
Today on this Christmas morning, for the first time I can remember, I feel happiness, true joy in my heart. The heaviness felt only days ago, has magically vanished, my usual desire to fall into a hole so I can’t see or feel the day, gone. There is a specific reason for this – one of those surprise shifts in awareness which made me step back and look at how closed off I have become.
So today, with this joy bubbling up in my heart, I pulled out a canvas from the back of my closet, realizing the best way to express this wonderful, yet foreign feeling, meant a hummingbird had to be painted. On this beautiful day, which just happens to be Christmas and a day of rest for me, I wish to take the opportunity to say thank you to everyone who brightens my days, gives me hope, encourages me to do better. To all of you who help me accept what I could not see before and share more of that light and joy whenever possible, I am so grateful. I have been out of balance for several weeks, months actually, which caused me concern until I realized I have been stepping out of one circle, into a new and rather uplifting one, so everything feels strange. I know I still have work to do as the threads that have held me to my past are slowly severed. However believing and accepting my life can change is allowing me to now feel the beauty of my journey as I open my heart a little more with each step into this new circle.
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