September 16, 2022
This morning my dream woke me up at a certain point, only to fall back into the same story once I slept again. It seemed as though I was exiting from what seemed like a scene in a movie when I woke. What I saw was my father standing in front of a young woman who had her back to me and a rifle with its barrel touching my fathers chest. He was saying to her “go ahead”. It was the calmness emanating from him which woke me up as it all seemed too casual for my ability to accept. To me my father was not someone who would encourage death – he was so full of life, willing to join any fight, be part of anyones story.
The woman who decided not to take the shot and therefore the life of my father was the focus of the dream once it continued, like a new chapter in a book. Much of what I dreamt was lost, but while in the dream I found her story quite interesting. The only aspect of her life I remember for certain was the fact she had to be very careful not to be identified or caught as it would mean the end of her life. She had a packet of letters all bound together with a string, her prized possession or possibly they were being kept for someone else. The letters were very important, this was the message taken away from the rest of the dream. I woke early and could not get back to sleep after this dream, which meant the messages had power and must be written up. There was importance which I would need the extra time to digest before going to work and starting my day.
Thinking about everything this morning while drinking my coffee and doing my puzzle, it occurred to me what the message could be based on. There are certain issues in my daily life right now which are causing unrest. This is true for all of us right now with life being held in a precarious balance, with no certainty of any plans we may have. No matter how uncomfortable we may be, I believe we are always exactly where we should be at any given moment in our lives, something we tend to challenge though. Seeing my father in this moment where his life could have easily ended, I saw confidence, not fear. My thoughts brought me to the principal belief my father, because of the battles he chose to fight, accepted death could come on any day. This was his reality. My circumstances of late seem to be asking me to have the same acceptance of ideals when making my choices.
Three months ago I took on an extra job which was meant to carry me through the winter as my other 2 jobs were seasonal, or so I thought. It seems one of the jobs may become permanent, something I would like to believe I have manifested due to my great love of the job. Before leaving for Ecuador 4 years ago, my life revolved around my jobs, every penny possible saved for a rainy day. The rainy day ended up being my 2 year journey home. Because during my last months, as I ran out of money believing there were no options left to me, I made peace with my life ending. In some ways I looked forward to the end of this painful journey, the load has been quite heavy, the resolution seemingly impossible. Because I was so far into debt on my return to this country, it was inevitable to fall into the same trap of insecurity, working to live, living to work, in order to stay ahead of the wolf at the door. As our country has fallen victim to our dictator who controls our best interests without our consent, but due to our laziness, I find I am in the same precarious situation I had been in South America. While I am able to work here, something I found impossible down there, problems still find me with the intention of teaching me about my fathers message this morning. Face each day as if it is your last. Live to make decisions which are for todays hopes, let tomorrow go as there is no certainty it will be there for you.
This became very apparent during the last week for me as once again I am faced with a serious dilemma regarding work, another decision needed my attention. Once again I feel as though I am being “funnelled” into making a choice which is pretty far out of my comfort zone. It all began a year ago with a man who often came into the store I used to work at. As he worked up the courage to ask me out, he would come into the store 2-4 times a day on the pretence of “needing something”, often leaving without anything. He would stand in one of the isles and watch me as I walked by, my ability to feel his intention, making me very uncomfortable each time I saw him on his way to the store. Even though I did my best to avoid him, working alone often meant this was impossible to do all the time. On New Year’s Eve he asked me out and passed me his phone number, something anticipated, but not at all welcome. I did not accept his offer to get together.
Because I was quite uncomfortable with the idea of him coming into the store once he made his move, then not communicating while have the ability to do so, I decided to send him a message weeks later to say I was not interested. I explained my concern was if he now came into the store it would be awkward for me to serve him – I knew I’d be uncomfortable. Interestingly enough he had not been in the store since passing me his number, so it was obvious his many visits beforehand were with the intention of getting up his nerve. We texted back and forth every so often and he did once again begin coming into the store, but I found him very difficult to have a conversation with. After 1 or 2 comments we would hit a wall, something which doesn’t happen easily for me. This meant we are not compatible. Because I was taught to be fair and kind to everyone, I did give him one chance thinking texting is not a very easy way to converse for some. We went for a long walk in the spring taking his dog (whom I do love) and stopped for ice cream after. Although we had an easier time carrying on a conversation, there was not any real comfort on my part. Simply put I found him very abrasive, his tone of voice often got my back up making me quite uncomfortable. I did my best to avoid him after that day knowing he was too much like the men of my past to allow him to get any closer.
Recently, he came into the store where I now work, much to my dismay knowing he had found me again. Following this encounter, of the ladies I worked with gave her notice to be finished the end of August, so once more, the help wanted sign went back on the front window. To my very great disappointment this man was hired and began last week. None of us are comfortable with him, but for me it feels as though he has invaded my personal space. He was retired and now he just happens to work full time at my place of employment. This to me is crossing a line which can’t be ignored – I know I cannot work with him, yet I also know he cannot be fired because of my discomfort. I must leave this job and rely on a very tenuous position at my other store. Once again I feel as though I’m on a hill of sand, the ever shifting mound showing me to let go and accept my fathers message from this morning.
Yesterday this man called me a “princess”. Had he read my book as I asked him to do, if he in truth did want to get to know me better, as he said in the beginning, he would never have made such a mistake. He also came to see me while I was working at my other job, a few days ago asking me if I lost hours because he took the job. Strangely enough he also asked this question of one of the other ladies who also has a part time position (by choice). Because I have two jobs and because the position he applied for was to replace the woman who held a full time position, I could not understand why he would think his presence would affect either my position or the other lady’s. Unless of course it was meant to intimidate us. This is what I believe because there is no explanation for his assumption otherwise. If he had truly been worried about this issue, why did he take the job in the first place?
Last night, needing clarification, wanting to be certain I was not mistaken in my assessment, I asked papa for confirmation. The dream explained above, seems to indicate I am correct in my assumption and must make my choice to suit my need to be comfortable in my workplace. Since returning to Canada, I have been chasing the perfect opportunity and feel I have found it, but because it is not certain, I have tried to compensate. There are no assurances however, today especially this is true as we are faced with so much uncertainty. So my choice is to take my chances with the one job I love and with the one boss who has shown me the respect so needed.
Because I lived with abusive people for most of my life, I know when someone is trying to control me. Like it or not, I understand exactly what’s happening here and it stops today one way or another.
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