October 19, 2023
Day 2 in Bolivia. This morning I woke feeling quite rested. Last night sleep did not come as easily as I expected given how tired I was. I was not upset, there were no butterflies disturbing my rest, just a kind of eerie calmness which began after arriving here. I’m really not sure how to explain it because it is kind of foreign to me. I have no set plan because I’m still waiting to confirm my tour which Jenny, the woman at the front desk was arranging for me. So I am unsure if I have enough money and do not even know if I’m able to get the transportation yet. For me this is rather amazing based on my condition which normally requires me to have everything planned ahead to the best of my ability. But then I am eating in restaurants alone, walking unknown streets alone and putting my trust in someone else to help me organize. Perhaps this trip is nothing more than forcing me to work completely outside my box of routine and general comfort. I believe most of us, at least in North America live to some degree in this way, avoiding the unexpected as much as possible. We seem to crave the regular, the strict routine and the security of knowing it will all be the same again tomorrow. Although we also tend to complain about the rather ordinariness of our lives, while doing nothing to change it. We are creatures of habit for the most part, yet we admire those who choose not to live in the ordinary box of life.
In some countries, those living with far less stability, encounter the unexpected on a regular basis. This is because their lives have far less certainty due to their economic situation. They cannot rely on the same sense of routine because the markers are always moving as they struggle to survive on a daily basis. While this is also a routine, there is no surety it will be the same each day. In North America, since 2020, it seems to me there has been a shift in the way of life for so many due to the lockdowns, restrictions and controlling behaviour of our government. North America, more so Canada, has begun to understand the decline of security and comfortable living as we were accustomed to in the past. I fear the worst is yet to come.
It seems I have found a driver to take me to La Higuera for an amount I can afford, at least I hope so. While struggling to explain my need without giving too much detail, this was what came to me: “You understand – I need to know the truth. I am not a tourist. I have memories of him (Che) and I know how crazy that sounds. That is why I’m here – to understand why he is in my heart.”
It has been arranged – I am leaving in an hour for Vallegrande. I will spend one night there, then go to La Higuera the following day and return to Santa Cruz on Saturday which happens to be my birthday (at least the day I grew up believing was my birthday).
It has not been an easy journey here with long days, knowing I need more money than I have and there is also the language barrier which hinders good conversations. Although google translate is a life saver, there are no spontaneous deep conversations like I can have on any given day in Maple Creek. Hard roads build our character, make us stronger and then more resilient. This is not a road I would have taken had I not been shown the possibility. Despite being a curious soul, this still would not have been a path I would have had the courage to take. Papa said “the path of the heart can be difficult” as he held me close. Being a young child at the time meant this was not something truly comprehended as my life had been simple then – full of love and happy days. How can a child foresee such tragedies as my father had already experienced in his life? It is really not easy to comprehend why I had to make this trip, mostly because it has been more than I felt capable of achieving. The problem being faced by not coming here was finding the dissatisfaction in my daily life was growing. Without purpose, without family, without knowing your true history, one becomes a blank page with an emptiness which can’t be filled. So while he was speaking about his own life path by way of explanation for his absence, I believe he also foresaw my future following a similar direction.
When my children abandoned me, then my husband, my perceived purpose in life also abandoned me. I believed my children, providing a good home for them and loving them as much as I could so they never felt like me was my purpose. I could see nothing else of importance to sustain me. I transferred that purpose onto Señorita Mali for the many years we were together until her death 3 years ago. From the time we parted, I have felt lost even though I have gained friends and have an excellent job which I love. These things do not negate the emptiness in my heart though. They are like a huge bandaid which gives a measure of comfort while I am busy with them, but they do nothing for me in the empty hours which are spent utterly alone. It has occurred to me since leaving Canada on Monday, my purpose will still not be clear just because I’m here, but feel my mind will at last be able to settle and rest and my heart will find connection to what has been missing all these years. I already do not have as much need to talk about my story as if it is all that keeps me together, so this tells me a lot about the purpose of this trip. I do not want the life my parents had, but if who I am can help others because of what I went through then my purpose is clear. What form this takes is not yet defined, but those are the answers which can be revealed once I am solid with the connection to my heritage.
I’m not really sure how I feel in this moment, except I do realize I am not scared to take this step as I had been 5 years ago. The need is so strong in me, it threatened to smother me if I did not find a solution to leave today. The question asked over and over is, why. Why is this necessary? Especially given my lack of funds, time and in the past, courage? I fully understand this could end with a very negative result and that in particular should have stopped me if one is being logical. As a child there was only his love – I could never have anticipated how complicated my life would be because I was his daughter.
The biggest question is what happens if I discover I am not his daughter or find a way to confirm I am, which in essence is the same situation I am in now. If this is the end result, then I have to ask why did I have memories of him and all the difficulties which came after he was gone? What was the purpose to this very complicated journey with information I could not have otherwise known had the memories and dreams not occurred. To have confirmation before writing my story may have been too easy. This has crossed my mind as well, thinking about the very unsuccessful attempt to publish my books. Had I been able to confirm who I am before I had the dreams then wrote about them, would they have had less impact because they were expected? Possibly. To take the chance of sharing so much which could not be confirmed suggests a strong bond which was forged long before those memories resurfaced. Risking humiliation and embarrassment also suggests a strong commitment on my part to explain a situation which would normally be impossible for me to share.
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