Readings
The Year 1986
While still married to Darrell I made friends with a mother of two young children, our oldest sons’ attending the same school. We both did a great deal of volunteering at the school and enjoyed each other’s company. We had similar problems with our husbands, both unsure whether we would remain in the marriage.
Her mother did tea leaf readings, something I was curious about, and because we were both needing a distraction and perhaps a little guidance, one evening we asked her to read our leaves. It seemed like a lark, something that would be more entertaining rather than informative. What occurred next took me completely by surprise.
What began as fun quickly turned to something more ominous. Starting out she told me I would receive a small amount of cash in the very new future (which I did), plus other things I felt she would not have known about and were also accurate. And then without warning she suddenly put down the cup, refusing to say anymore. The look on her face suggested she had seen something she would rather not have, finding it too disturbing to continue.
Not having any idea about my childhood at this time I couldn’t imagine what she was seeing and I hoped it did not involve a tragedy with my children. She gave me comfort about it not relating to them, but she was adamant and would not explain any further. Almost before it had begun my reading was over.
The experience was very unsettling and as I write this now I still wonder what it was she saw that evening. Would it have helped or hurt me at the time? I can, of course, make an assumption now based on the return of my own memories as to what she might have seen that night. I don’t blame her for her unwillingness to speak of it. I can only imagine the shock it gave her to see even a glimpse of the experiences and connections related to my life, something she could never have anticipated. None of us could have known.
The Year 1991
When I first discovered I had no birth certificate and thereby no legal existence, I had a really difficult time understanding what could have caused such confusion surrounding my name at my birth. It brought up all kinds of possible scenarios, none of them really made much sense, but with no one to talk to these questions weighed heavily on my mind.*
Over the months following the process of legally receiving my new (old) name, my first birth certificate—and my original passport objective, I began to look for alternative sources of information. I thought often about the tea leaf incident and wondered who else may be able to assist me in this unconventional way.
I began to investigate tarot card and palm readers, something that was not as easy to do back then without the big wide web to aid in the search. I had to conduct my research the old fashioned way; first through the phone book and then visiting New Age bookstores that sold tarot cards, I Ching, crystals etc. on the esoteric life. This was not something I had much knowledge about, nor was it very comfortable for me to explore because of my limited understanding. Growing up catholic did not allow for so called superstitious beliefs, so this was a big step out of my comfort zone, but it felt like the right way to get answers that were not coming through regular channels.
I made contact with a woman in Southwest Calgary who I chose because she was older, not someone you would view as new age or alternative. Upon arriving at her home she led me to a small room where her table was set up, cards at the ready. I’m sure she could sense my trepidation, my lack of confidence, but also my hope she could provide answers. I sat down, not sure what to expect, waiting quietly for her to begin the session.
She first read my palms and all I really remember about it was her saying I had a long life line. I would not likely die young leaving my children without a mother. This was a big relief and likely why I did not retain much else. I will not pretend to remember the reading of the cards laid out in front of me. Tarot was a foreign concept and other than for group therapy I did not keep a journal at that time, but I clearly remember her final statement.
I almost wished she would not have said anything to me in this regard because it haunts me still, although it told me nothing. Having previously asked her something about my appearance, she answered while I was putting on my coat to leave. The question related to the notion of not liking who I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I had the idea I should have darker hair and eyes, and once I learned about my not having a birth certificate this idea just became more feasible. If my name was wrong, could they have changed my appearance as well? So I asked her, “Did I have blonde hair growing up?”
She confirmed I did in fact have blonde hair, but then she said something so strange, something I hadn’t asked her about. “Don’t look for those responsible for what happened to you,” saying no more about who they were or what they had done. Though confused by her words I could sense she was very unhappy with what she knew, what she had seen…and there the matter was closed.
A very unsettling feeling overtook me as I made my way home. Rather than getting answers about what happened at my birth, I had only received more reason to question what little information I had. It was kind of devastating at the time to be left with such uncertainty, so with Patrick’s encouragement, about a week later I phoned her, asking her to relent and share the information.
She flat out refused, was not even willing to speak with me, rushing to get off the phone. Just before she hung up I asked her why she was not willing, what could be so awful? She replied, “I don’t want you to go after these people, it would be far too dangerous.” I explained I had no intention of going after them, whoever they were, I just wanted to understand, but she refused to say more, finishing our conversation with the warning, “These are not people to go against.”
Well, I suppose you can imagine this did nothing to provide comfort, my mind swirling with this cryptic information that left empty space in place of truth. Even today she often comes to mind as I sift through the memories and events of these years in trying to understand my story. Would she talk to me now I have discovered so much. I have worried at times if she too, like Debrah in British Columbia, would have had to change her life because of my visit and what she saw. I truly hope not, but it’s difficult for me to believe otherwise.
I have tried many times over the years to receive help from the esoteric community but inevitably fall short. Receiving tidbits of valuable information along the way, each person giving me another stepping stone, most of the information in the end has come from my father himself through the memories and dreamtime. We each carry the truth of our existence and it cannot be destroyed by any means.
“Every person has the truth in his heart. No matter how complicated his circumstances, no matter how others look at him from the outside, and no matter how deep or shallow the truth dwells in his heart, once his heart is pierced with a crystal needle, the truth will gush forth like a geyser.”
Che Guevara
*see Passport, chapter I
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