Dream about the Spider January 7, 2009
I had been having trouble sleeping and lain awake for hours. When I finally did fall asleep this very frightening dream began, affecting me deeply this morning as I recall it. Once again my friend the spider came into my dream time and when I awoke the attachment to what had happened was so strong I was certain I could still feel the spider on my body. It was so real.
The dream started out quite strange because I was sleeping in a shed outside on some blankets. I was right beside the door, my back facing outside. I have no idea why I was in the shed, but I was upset about something and needed to be alone, I think. I woke up because I could feel something I knew was a danger.
When my eyes adjusted to the darkness I looked around without moving. Then I saw what looked like a tangled mess of spider webs. As I focused on them I could see it was a very large and intricate web and in the bottom corner closest to me I made out a large dark shape. As soon as I turned my focus to that object it unfolded and I saw it was a very large spider. I immediately panicked and scrambled to get up and away. It moved so fast, attacking me as I left the shed.
Interestingly enough, it seemed to hit a barrier just as I got outside. For some reason it could not leave the shed, but still I was afraid and I threw my blanket over it. I meant to go back and kill it, but could not bring myself to get that close again. I left it there and went back inside the house.
When I got inside I was very confused because everything was all boxed and piled up. Even the bathroom was a jumble. I was trying to comprehend this situation, now upset for two reasons. As I started to ask what was happening I woke up. I could not shake the feeling of the spider crawling on my skin, seeing the way it unfolded its legs and ran towards me.
As I wrote down this dream I began to wonder if the shed represents isolation in an unfamiliar place, the boxed possessions and mess indicating a forced move. The spider is connected to a time of big change, of moving and also being isolated. I was so frightened, but the spider could not cross the barrier (as in the border of a country), so I was safe even though I didn’t feel safe.
Re-writing this for the book I am beginning to wonder if this was the gift promised to me last November when I removed the leg iron from the woman.*
We did indeed move shortly after my having this dream, which I thought was going to be a really good move for us. As it turned out this was not the case. Through a bizarre episode involving an momentarily unstable landlord we ended up in another forced move, eventually bringing us to Maple Creek.
I now find there is a similarity between this experience and that of my childhood. Forced to move here, alone and frightened, no love, no familiarity. Patrick’s leaving left me in a similar quandary. I was very isolated and afraid of being alone for the first time since I was a teenager. I didn’t know how I would be able to make it.
Strangely enough this has turned out to be the best thing for me, although it has taken a few years to realize. Patrick and I remain good friends, but being on my own has been very good for me. It has taught me about myself, and given me a strength I did not realize I had.
*see Dream with a Gift, Chapter IX, page 275
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