Therapy Comments 1989
This was a very difficult time for each of us, absorbing the truth we were not monsters deserving the punishments handed out. I learned so much about the struggles of abused people, but not much about who they really were. They, like me, became the struggle, the whole entire person lost in the tragedy that was their troubled life.
Each day of living became a story of survival, one of endurance and strength. Who would they have been had they not been subjected to so much suffering and pain? It is hard not to wonder about something like that when years later you are watching your own life go by. It is of course not something that can be changed, the story unfolds as it did for some particular purpose, one not always clear to us in life. But I admire these women who had the strength to admit they were weak sometimes and needed help. This in itself is a great strength.
We did exercises each time we gathered as a group, listening to each other’s story, offering encouragement or advice. They were of great help to me after discovering my daughter was molested.* They gave me strength when I thought I would crumble, so overwhelmed by the guilt and shame in unwittingly creating the situation that allowed it to happen.
Looking back I know it was all so much bigger than that, something that was inevitable really because of who I am. Though at the time I was a different person, much smaller and so much more afraid. So I give tribute to these beautiful women who were there for me, and I for them, each of us bringing a story to the table that changed us forever.
Gifts from therapy and those I sat with, learning their stories:
From my therapist:
I believe in myself;
I deserve all good things;
I am loveable; I deserve to be loved; I trust myself;
I make my own decisions;
I know who I am;
I have the right to work at my own pace;
The answers I need are inside me;
I trust the future;
I work in my own way and that way is right for me; I trust my emotions;
I can have and deserve a good relationship; I am wonderful!
From the group, each comment came from a different person;
I love your giggle;
Sense of humour;
I appreciate your gentle strength;
I appreciate your warm and loving nature (and your sense of humour); You are an honest loving woman;
I appreciate your warmth and humour;
I really like the strength of your feeling for your children;
Your strength and joy shine through the tears.
I have kept these scraps of paper for almost thirty years, testimony to the value of their gift. It remains a reflection of their importance to me during a time when I felt I was helplessly sliding down the drain of despair.
At the time of receiving these beautiful comments I had yet to recall the extent of the damage caused by all that had happened in my early life. There was still so much hidden I felt my story was not nearly as difficult as theirs. Because of this I had trouble sharing, not see myself damaged or traumatized as they were.
I was truly shocked at the rather sick demented behaviour of the abusive men in their life, and the treatment they inflicted. I will never understand those who believe they have the right to do such things to another human, or animal.
As I write this I am wondering how would I feel were I back in that room today knowing what I know now…? My story is far worse than I could have imagined at the time, and sitting here I now count myself as one with those I admired so much then. I had more strength than I realized, and for their kindness and ability to share I am more grateful than ever.
*see The Circle Continues, Chapter II, page 71
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