Breathe
I was on the bathroom floor and couldn’t make myself get up. I was so depressed, lost in the belief I was unwanted, unlovable and completely messed up. I could not figure out where to go from here, in this turn of life which led me to being alone again.
I knew I had to pack up my things, find a new place to live, and move by the end of November, less than a month away. Patrick had moved out first and gave notice on our rental home without telling me. By the time I found out quite by accident from the landlord who didn’t realize I was not told. I had only 3 weeks to find a place and move on my own. I had nowhere to go and was so overwhelmed by my situation, unsure if I would be able to take care of myself. I was losing so much more than a husband, as he was the only person who understood everything I had gone through over the last twenty four years. It was a difficult time and a situation I never expected to find myself. But then who ever does? Such life changes have the capacity to break our hearts.
When we moved to Maple Creek I believed we were finally going to be in a place we would flourish. It seemed the perfect opportunity, both of us finding work here, and it was a lovely place to live. I really enjoyed being in a small town, able to walk everywhere, people waving at me even though I didn’t know them. We no longer had family responsibilities and were free to make choices for us. At least this is what I believed. But then some old problems began again and I came to understand that actually our marriage was over and I did not know how to handle the realization. Patrick told me he no longer wanted to be married – did not want the intimacy suggesting we live together just as friends, something I could not accept. How could I? I was truly afraid as I lay there on the bathroom floor, no longer interested in the future.
Oftentimes over the years I have marveled at the timing of certain events: a phone call, a letter in the mail, meeting someone I hadn’t seen for a long time. These seemingly small instances in my day can completely change my outlook. It is surprising as I begin to see that ray of sunshine with hope following in its wake, given a sudden burst of energy driven by the positive influence of human contact, be it ever so small. This is what happened to me as I lay there on the bathroom floor without the will to move.
From the master bedroom where my laptop rested on the bed I heard the familiar ‘ding’ of an incoming message, and the curiosity of who it could be from worked on my mind until I had to get up and check. I do not get a lot of correspondence as I have lived more in solitude throughout my life and have few that I can call friends. I had not lived in Maple Creek very long and did not really know anyone other than those I worked with. This is what made the sound more intriguing. I had to see who it was from.
A message Lucas had sent contained a poem he wrote for me, knowing I was going through a difficult time. His words brought me to tears, they were so appropriate and the message touched me very deeply. This poem still brings tears to my eyes when I read it, bringing back that moment in time when I thought I had nothing…only to find I had everything. One thread can be the beginning of something beautiful, we just need to pick it up and begin. How incredible this was to read! It was for this reason, this thread reaching me from a distance to get me off the floor that day, that I chose to connect the poem to the drawing of Pacific Green. It is a poem that continues to lift my spirits as I navigate my way back home.
Breathe
Breathe, take in this moment
Close your eyes and feel the beating of your heart
Today found you a brand new start
Edge of the world’s the time to fly
Shaking your doubts that stay your feet
Just breathe…
Take me to a brand new start
One where I’ll feel no broken heart
Where no dream was left behind
That place in mind
Just breathe….
Not a thing but fear could stop a spark in the heart
Feel the beat, breathe in hope
Smile at fear and jump from the edge of what you know
Belief brings you wings
The world was yours from the start
[ by Lucas Chudleigh ]
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