Conclusion
Talking to Patrick over the many months we worked on this book, I am struck by the intensity of emotions drawn from the bottom of the well, stories from my past we have discussed over the years which I thought I understood. Only now this book has been created am I facing these same stories with a truly open heart.
I cannot speak for him or what he felt throughout our friendship as I continued to live my life in a protective shell, but I now understand the possibility of waking up and truly seeing for the first time in more than fifty years. Can there be understanding at last from the impact of these events? I believe it is so.
The tears flow freely as I at last connect to my true self, allowing the grieving to begin, mourning not only for my true family but for the loss of myself. This is surreal, to feel deeply for the first time and not be afraid of who I am.
I willingly let go of my children to keep them safe from the horrors I had to face. To allow myself to feel the depth of sorrow for that loss, knowing they could not comprehend the reasons has enforced my desire for the truth to be known that we may all understand the complexity of our life together. Facing my new emptiness, unable as I was to truly feel, ultimately became a strong motivation for writing Finding Home.
I chose to reveal intimate secrets of my past in the hope of helping others find their way, for we each have our story. While some are more complex, all are rich in personal significance. Facing the hidden depths of my story has changed the way I see.
For years I believed the memories of abuse would be too difficult to revisit. Surprisingly, the realization of who my parents were has had the greatest impact. Dissolving the walls surrounding my heart allows me to feel the depth of loss in never really knowing them, of not being able to share our lives. The counterpart to this great void was the incredible love they shared with me during the short time we were together. It has been enough to carry me through the long decades to this day. Though the fragments were scattered the love remained, a power so deep, stronger than any negative force and greatly underestimated.
Although I cannot fathom the depth of hatred and anger required to perpetrate these acts, I have begun to allow forgiveness towards those involved and the acts against me and those I love. It seems to me man is the only being that finds pleasure in killing, torture and destruction. However, we always have a choice…….
I choose to remove myself from their circle of anger and hate. I choose to walk the brighter path, to help rather than harm – I choose LOVE!
— Copyright Notice —
Finding Home
Copyright © 2019 Gabriel Chudleigh
&
All excerpts from
Animals of Inspiration
Copyright © 1999-2016 PJ Leigh
Follow the unfolding journey of Gabriel on her blog at www.vangodiary.ca
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