May 18, 2018 Experience
Watching a TV series called Shetland over the last couple of days has struck a chord with me on a very deep level. My reaction was unexpected, not realizing where the storyline would take me when I first began watching this BBC production set in Scotland. It is very well acted and written.
Part of the story revolves around the rape of a young woman who is one of the main characters. She plays quite a convincing role portraying her vulnerability. While watching I found myself becoming very quiet inside, recognizing the pain and suffering she endured. The sudden insecurity in herself, her decisions, her ability to do her job, to interact with others are very familiar. But most of all was her new inability to allow someone to touch or get close to her.
She was someone who had a great deal of confidence at the beginning of the story, now broken down by this selfish act of violence. I find myself in a space in time on par with her character, brought here by her convincing portrayal of a rape victim. Many of the stories I have written in Finding Home explain the minds’ ability to hide the stories which would otherwise reveal the truth of my pain, and the triggers which never let me forget the story is there, just waiting for me to be ready to hear it. I find this episode to be a perfect example of what I have been saying, triggered as I was by the story and the victims reaction to her circumstance.
Afterwards I had to immediately write down my feelings, reminded of the fact everything she was portraying happened to me as a child of less than five. One can only hope for a situation such as hers with the support of the caring people around her, feeling her pain, wishing only to help her deal with the trauma she had just experienced.
This is the reason for the quietness I feel, the overwhelming understanding I was left in isolation and solitude, unable to comprehend rape or why it happened to me. The pain and fear was mine alone to bear without support, comfort or security. I am reminded of how small I felt, ashamed of my fear and inability to face what happened. Is this why we are afraid to remember? Is it because we are ashamed of our fear?
Is this what keeps us frozen, this shame? Stopping us from taking chances that would allow us to step into a more fulfilling future? It does seem possible based on my own experience. If so, it is very unfortunate for the many good people who are only a few short steps away from having a better life, full of love and joy.
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