Pacific Green
It took a few years to comprehend the value of this image I had drawn. Once I saw the message, I was amazed it took me so long to see what others saw straight away. In fact had I not promised this image to my son, it would have been torn up and thrown away, for I was convinced I had done a terrible job.
Lucas, who often has presented me with challenges forcing me to work outside my safe zone, asked me to draw a sea turtle for him to give as a gift. My voice was saying, ‘Sure, I’ll give that a go,’ but my mind was saying, “Not possible.” But not wanting to let him down without at least trying, I started working. He had sent me some images to work from and I chose the one I thought would be the easiest. Because I enjoy doing the eyes best of all, I needed a picture providing at least one open eye. The image I chose evoked a sense of peacefulness which I think drew me in.
After completing the eyes I wanted to quit while I was still ahead. I knew I couldn’t, but this was my thought at the time. I am not a painter, I tend to overwork the brush in attempting to get the same defining lines I can with my technical pens. I knew I could not just use the pens because it needed a certain softness. I decided to use pastels which I also love because of the way colours can be blended, and I can still use the pen to add definition.
I can only say I was frustrated more days than not and truly felt I was not capturing the image. I finally had to accept I was finished and stop working on it. Because of my promise I sent it right away and did not destroy it, hoping he did not feel let down by my effort. It’s funny how we do not wish to let down our children by not meeting their expectations. In spite of my best efforts I was unfortunately always concerned I had failed my children. Always afraid they would be unable to love me for all of my imperfections. But as I learned with the turtle, even when we think we have failed we succeed in some other way than what we may expect.
Shortly afterwards I received a text from my son who was so happy with it, telling me how beautiful it was. Not at all the response I had expected! Although I was surprised by his love of the picture, I was also very grateful I had not let him down and that he was indeed happy with it. I decided to make cards and prints of the image because he was so happy with the drawing and as it turned out they were one of my most popular.
As always, I saw imperfections rather than what was right. Now that I have learned to see myself in a more positive light, I can see the turtle differently, the imperfections pushed to the background.
What finally became clear to me about this image hit me with surprising force as I was driving on the highway one day. It was the feeling of complete calmness and peace emanating from its face. Why didn’t I see it before? I suppose I was not ready to acknowledge I too had come to a place of calmness and peace in myself, growing and becoming whole. This is something which was happening almost invisibly while I continued on my journey.
During this time I was newly separated, living on my own for the first time since a teenager, and was feeling quite lost. I was scared about my ability to look after myself. I felt abandoned, unlovable and very alone. To project these feelings of calmness and peace on the paper meant I had reached a new level in my healing process. Part of me at least understood this path was leading me away from the belief I was not worthwhile.
I read recently Hawaiians believe sea turtles are excellent navigators and when lost they often find their way home again. This is my dream: to find my home.
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