Pecha Kucha
When I gave a Pecha Kucha* presentation in Medicine Hat, AB I spoke to an audience of some 250 people about my PTSD, and how the art has been my personal therapy.
Patrick had been invited to speak and believed it would be a good experience for me, although I am not sure why he felt this way. I have never been interested in public speaking, in truth it terrifies me, so I felt he was being a bit crazy. He kept bringing it up though, sending me different links of those who had spoken on similar topics, and eventually I began to see that he may be right, this could be good therapy for me.
With this particular chapter normally around one hundred people gathered in a small, but comfortable setting for the talks. However, on the day of my presentation, it happened to coincide with another event in a larger location, with seating for three hundred. Just my luck!!!
In the end he talked me into it despite my concerns. My biggest one being those listening would consider me crazy for my beliefs, especially since I had no proof. I had images of people walking out of the room, bored and uninterested in what I was saying. While waiting for my turn that night I did see this happen to the other presenters, so I really had to swallow my fear and not leave myself.
I was really not sure I would be able to talk about my past and speak of things so close to my heart to people I did not know. I was pretty scared about how I would be received and unsure if I could make it through the talk. I opened with the line, “Argentina, the Dirty Wars, human trafficking. I was sold when I was 2 1/2 years of age…”
As soon as I said my first word something instantly settled inside and I knew I was speaking the truth and that I would be fine. I felt a confidence grow I did not expect to find in myself. I did make it through without crying….until my last sentence.
To my very great surprise I received a standing ovation and was afterwards congratulated by several people in the audience. As soon as I got back to my seat I began to shake uncontrollably. I knew I had just gone through a great healing of spirit.
On the drive home Patrick and I talked about the experience and how amazing it was to finally tell, publicly, at least part of my story in such a way. I did not realize at the time just how much this experience would change me and positively transform my life.
In fact it was only when I began to write this book that I understood the Pecha Kucha experience had triggered a period of mourning. It occurred to me I had indeed begun to mourn the many losses of my entire life. I can compare this idea with being injured in a serious accident. Your body goes into shock and you find you are walking in a haze, not feeling the pain of the injury, pushing yourself to replay the event. At some point you finally notice the injury and come back to yourself, screaming in pain with the realization of what has happened.
The dramatic events in my life began to occur when I was just 2 1/2 year of age. I went through one shocking event after another, suffered torture and abuse both mental and physical. I spent most of my life in that haze unaware of the injuries to myself. In other words I was in a perpetual state of shock. I made myself run my whole life, never really stopping to grieve, just pushing the painful memories further to the back of my mind.
Shortly after Pecha Kucha I collapsed, first mentally and then physically. I finally noticed my injury and I began to scream and then mourn for the pain and the loss. In the months to follow insights into my true parents and surrogate parents began to come back to me, followed by the sorrow attached to those realizations.
With the writing of this book I have begun the tedious task of linking together all the disjointed memories and clues. I understand now why I am so tired and wish only to stay hidden, given the chance to heal. Linking the stories and finding the patterns allowing me to see the truth are my purpose in continuing this fascinating walk.
The wounds are great and many. I am reminded of the scene with Bilbo Baggins as he prepares to leave Middle Earth with Gandalf and the elves on a ship bound for the Grey Havens, saying to Frodo, “Some wounds cannot be healed.” I believe in time we can accept the pain and begin to live again, but there will always be a shadow for me. There is just too much needing atonement.
The name Gabriel means God is my strength. I believe my father named me thus to remind me to always put faith in my name and its meaning, because he knew he would not be there for me throughout my life. Names have power.
Note— *Pecha Kucha, a Japanese forum for public speaking where each presenter is allowed six minutes and forty seconds, along with twenty slide images on ay topic they choose. A typical evening incorporates fifteen or twenty speakers, thus providing a diverse presentation of topics.
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