Author’s note; When this memory came back to me, it was very difficult to face. I understood it was something which actually happened, but could not understand at the time who the men were. At last I was able to understand my reaction though to sudden loud bangs and the great fear associated with them. The sound of the gunshot never leaves you, it is forever engrained in the very fabric of your being and cannot be erased. There was a great deal of guilt associated with this incident as well which weighed heavy on me throughout my life. I felt responsible for the deaths of these men, although I was unable to explain why for many years after the memory returned. The guilt and fear of the many stories like this insured I remained but a shadow of my true self.
Guilt and Fear
What is the best method to control another? The answer is fear.
When someone is afraid they are most likely to make choices outside their normal realm of possibility. When faced with a frightening situation—especially one that would cause bodily harm either to ourself or someone we love, we can experience a sudden loss of principle. It is then perhaps we will do whatever is necessary to protect another and to save those who are threatened.
I have been afraid most of my life, not of dying as one might think, but of living. Of facing loss, and of being in pain. ‘A thousand pin pricks can kill a man’ an ancient Chinese torture. The subtle and seemingly insignificant pokes to our spirit can eventually be our downfall, like the story of Gulliver, immobilized by a thousand tiny threads.
I do not have many memories of my childhood and have often said I am ok if I never remember any more—based on the memories which have already surfaced. It is difficult to face fear once again reliving it, even though I am now doing it in smaller doses of my choosing. Its impact can be very intense, its residual effect lingering on…
Always when I think I can handle no more spirits come to my rescue. They come in many forms: a feather on the ground, the call of a bird, a beautiful song, my dog as she touches her nose to mine to make sure I am ok, or perhaps a dream that inspires beauty and peace. If we are looking we will find inspiration and encouragement everywhere. This is what can defeat fear, this constant search for beauty in simple and unexpected things. My life has been thus blessed many times, often in the nick of time, but they always come. I know I was in The Room when they came for me—this experience assuring I would always be afraid of a visit:*
I remember one night they came to get me. It must have been the middle of the night, I was in my nightie (about three years old). I was brought outside and put in the back seat of a car. There was a man sitting beside me and another man (my surrogate father) in the front passenger seat, along with the driver. We drove on but I cannot tell you anything about where we stopped and parked the car. It was quiet and I was uneasy not knowing why we were here or what we were waiting for.
Suddenly with no warning the driver shot my surrogate father in the head, left temple, BAM! I remember watching as a drop of red blood ran down the window. While I watched the drop of blood without understanding, the driver then turned, aimed his gun, and shot the man beside me. I must have been in shock at this point, unable to even look away from the blood on the window. I don’t remember anything else after that moment.
Ever since having this dream it is guaranteed I will jump at any sudden loud bang and am momentarily paralyzed with fear as this memory flashes across my mind. In an instant I am brought back to that moment locked away for so many years, the time in between instantly erased.
As a child I was always afraid of loud bangs but not aware why. Being in a room without windows remains very difficult for me. I can never have the door at my back, having to see what or who would next enter the room to suppress my panic, always.
*see The Room, Chapter VI, page 86
0 Comments