Eyes Above
This image was another of my son’s challenges posed a few years back. After watching the movie Arthur, he asked me if I could draw this mans face. He was impressed by the characters personality, his strong code of honour and admirable moral code. It was more than this however because there was still a gentleness to his character, despite how fierce he was in a battle when called to defend his King.
I was saying sure to Lucas while thinking how am I going to get the bird right. Two subjects, one image, this was quite unusual for me and I still did not have the confidence at the time to believe I could pull it off. While I really like the final image, in honesty I did not get the mans face exactly right. I feel I got the proper depth in the eyes, but they were too close together in my drawing, therefor giving him a different look.
The falcon, which I did not feel comfortable drawing actually ended up being something I was quite happy with. Overall, I decided I liked the image even though I did not get the exact likeness of the picture I was drawing. The lesson was for me to accept the idea of the feelings evoked from looking at the image rather than concern for whether or not it was a perfect replication.
I was quite nervous while working on the image because there were so many new elements to the picture such as the clothing, the combination of the bird with a human face, and his long hair all making this a rather big challenge for me. Although I was nervous throughout the project, I was also excited watching the image grow on the page and seeing the progression turning out better than I expected. In the end one of the aspects of the image I was most happy with are the feathers. The way I was able to make it look as if the sunlight was catching them, giving them a gloss turned out better than I hoped. This was something I was really unsure about being able to achieve, so when I look at the print on my wall I feel really happy at what I was able to accomplish, despite my fears and concerns.
I imagine people think me a bit crazy when I explain that no one is more surprised than I when the image turns out, because I truly lack confidence in my artistic ability. Each image is a wonder when it is finished and I am able to accept the result, and with child-like excitement want to share it and see how others react. This is my method for determining if my opinion is on track.
I was really pleased Lucas liked the final outcome, it is a good feeling to fulfill someone’s request and to know they are happy.
Ayahuasca
2018 – Agato, Ecuador
Every person has the truth in his heart. No matter how complicated his circumstances, no matter how others look at him from the outside, and no matter how deep or shallow the truth dwells in his heart, once his heart is pieced with a crystal needle, the truth will gush forth like a geyser.”
Che Guevara
Last night I engaged in something I have wanted to for a long while. I first read about Ayahuasca when searching for information about the Tree of Life, discovering this ancient healing ceremony and spiritual medicine. When I learned Willak conducts Ayahuasca ceremonies I knew he was the one I would trust to help me through it.
I was nervous because I don’t have a stable track record when it comes to drugs or alcohol, but he reassured me ‘the medicine will know what to do,’ I just have to trust him, trust Creator, and trust the medicine to bring me what I need.
I had read people often get sick using Ayahausca, but he asked our small group to do our best to keep the medicine in our body so that it can go deep. “Just relax and take deep breaths,” he said. I held onto it for a long time but in the end did have to let go of a bit, a purging, yet I felt bad, thinking this was a sign of weakness. Gratefully there was another in the group who was sick also, giving me some comfort knowing I was not the only one. I learned later this was not a sign of weakness, that the body will get rid of what it cannot accept.
Becoming very dizzy it felt better to lay down. I kept thinking, Papa, I don’t want to be sick anymore, I want to stop throwing up, please. But this was more the voice of my childhood. I think I threw up a lot as a small child, from fear maybe or sickness, I can’t be sure. But sometimes I would awake in the act and it was awful. I got into a lot of trouble over the years for the terrible mess to clean up.
My body began to feel like it was morphing into a mass of liquid, no sense of limbs or muscles, just moving liquid, a very strange sensation. I don’t know how long after I thought I saw and heard things, just a wisp of white across the fire, a banging door, strange sounds from behind the front door (this may have just been the dogs, or dark energies, wanting to come in). And then I saw something dark move in front of me which gave me a fright, at least until I realized it was patrick moving his arms up and down. In the darkness I could not be certain until the moonlight caught his fingertips.
It was after that experience, with my eyes closed, I felt the moonlight upon me. I struggled to open my eyes and saw it was indeed the moonlight shining through the crack between the roof and the wall. It was not just a light through the crack but a solid beam flowing towards me, reminding me of the blue moon dream so many years ago. I was being given the moon in the ceremony. It was hard to keep my eyes open, but even though they were closed I could feel the intent of the moon beams. It was beautiful. I thought how lucky I was to be in this particular spot, in this position to receive this gift.
Willak came to me a few times to brush me off with condor feathers and I wondered what he was taking off of me. He didn’t seem to be doing this so much for the others, or at least not as often or with such intensity. But perhaps this was my interpretation, given the effect of the medicine.
Just before we were finishing I suddenly felt ice cold, just like when I would go somewhere in my dreams and leave my body. It was then I felt a very quick, very sharp needle like pain go into my back at my heart. I had entered the ceremony with the above Che quote in mind, but it was not until later I realized this might have been the crystal needle going into my heart, and the chill I felt was the spirit of the man I know as my father.
It was also a reminder of the dream when I was stabbed in the heart, a dream which was my awakening to this path. In all there were three dreams from my past to which I was able to connect during the ceremony, in itself an indication of validity of the messages received back then.
I didn’t receive any other messages, no visions or strange sightings from spirit. I am wondering why.
I cried when Willak did his last cleansing of my spirit, and then again when he thanked me and gave me a hug. It was such a beautiful hug, full of strength and compassion. He held me for a long time, just letting me cry and I have so much gratitude for that—he is a beautiful man.
When I was at last on my own in bed, cold and tired, I had to put on headphones to block the disco music which seemed so intense coming from somewhere in the community; it was like sandpaper on my nerves after such a meaningful ceremony. While my music was playing I drifted in and out of sleep and once when I awoke I could hear Seal’s crystal clear voice with such beauty singing, “Say Goodbye.” The music was infinitely clear and I could see the music as a pattern of lights on a path leading to my ear from the audio player. Then I could feel the medicine again, making me a bit nauseous and dizzy.
The music was incredibly alive and I was enjoying its absolute beauty. This was when I felt the bed shake. At first my thought was Mali had been scratching herself or shaking her ears against the bed and making it move, but when I looked up I saw her standing on the end of the bed looking at something on the floor. So, not her then! She came beside me when I asked if she was ok, and lay there very still for the rest of the night.
I felt the bed shake several times, but was not comfortable rolling over to see what it was at first. When I did finally turn to see, I was sure something from the spirit realm was under my bed: The smell reminded me of something wild, like urine mixed with something dead. I couldn’t see anything, there was only the smell. When I rolled back facing the wall the smell disappeared. Each time the bed shook I first looked to see where Mali was, only to find her laying very still beside me.
I wondered if not seeing anything during the ceremony was because the spirits have already given me the answers, I have the truth and just need to trust in it. I had hoped to get more information about the people from my dreams over the years I do not have names for, but they were not revealed in this ceremony. I suppose I am still not ready for that part of the story. It will come. Willak says the medicine stays with you and should only have to be done once, so I will trust it will continue to give me answers when I am ready to receive them.
The things I was told about my experience or journey:
-there were many obstacles right from the beginning which Willak wondered at because it seemed to be an indication I wasn’t ready. However, this did not make sense to him because usually when someone makes this request it means they are ready. There were many obstacles inside of me, a sign of the great burden I have been carrying.
-when I turned around to have the final cleansing he saw my hair was long and white, but I had no face. The beautiful wavy hair told him my heritage is very beautiful. This detail connected me to the dream of the dragon and the woman on the hill with the beautiful long white (blonde) hair. I felt at the time of the dream that I was that woman even though it went against the image I had of myself throughout my life. I also wondered at the time if this woman was who I wanted to be; a desire for something more substantial to be present in my being.
-having no face indicates I do not know who I am, that there is too much pain and the burden has been great, too much to carry. The medicine will help me, beginning the day I decided to take this journey and will continue to work, always. Ayahuasca is Creator and Creator is part of me.
– he told me the people who raised me tried to make me into a monster, they were very cruel
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