Finding Home, Chapter 5; My Father’s Death

Dream about My Father’s Death December 6, 1999

In retrospect I can understand the importance of this dream which I didn’t comprehend that night, as I still did not understand the complexity of my past, nor did I realize the identity of those connected to it. So when I read this dream recently I became quite emotional with the new understanding of its meaning.

I cannot remember the first part of the dream, but I was getting a ride from someone that I knew, perhaps someone I worked for. As I got into the car another man suddenly also got in, beside me in the back seat. He had a specific reason for wanting to come with us that involved explaining something important to me about my father. He did not want me to hear it on the news or from anyone else. He expected it was going to be difficult for me to hear, emotionally charged.
I do not know who this man was or how he knew my father or myself, but he had a comforting presence and I somehow felt safe with him. He was older and I could tell he was a kind and gentle person with whom I felt trust.
The story he told me was of my fathers capture; it seemed I should know why he had been hunted down, but I could not recall. He told me he was being transferred back somewhere close to where he grew up, and there he was to be executed. I sat there listening to the story and feeling the horror of what I was hearing.
When I wrote the dream back then I was writing it from the perspective this man was telling me about Duncan, led to believe he was my father growing up. Back then there was still so much confusion, so much I had yet to fully understand. In writing this dream now, I see it from an entirely different perspective, one that makes more sense knowing who my birth father was.
Yet even then with my limited understanding I knew deep down there was more to the story than I was able to figure out. This was obvious to me because I mentioned at the time the dream made me feel so sick. I recognized the reality of the situation, believing my father was responsible for horrible things. What was interesting was how much compassion I felt for him regardless of the accusations aimed against him. This in itself was an important distinction because I never felt compassion for Duncan at any time in our history together.
On a deeper level I somehow understood my father was a complex person, the facts surrounding his story subject to manipulation. Now that I know the legitimacy of his life and what he was trying to accomplish, I better understand why I felt about him as I did at the time of this dream. It is especially interesting to me I could feel this truth, despite not having any knowledge of this at the time.
The threads that bind us are stronger than we realize. More than ever I feel deep compassion for my father and I marvel at how he came to me over the years to show his love for me, even though I was so young when he died. He has been with me always.
**Was the man in the car beside me my surrogate grandfather or my half brother that died just prior to me having this dream? I do not have a clear memory of his face now but there was a sense of knowing him somehow, a feeling that we were connected.