Pain dream January 4, 2000
Before I fell asleep this night, I was hit by one of my phantom pains. It felt like an electric shock striking my left shoulder. It was strong enough to jolt me from my position of laying on my right side to falling onto my back. The pain did not last long, but it hit me so fast and so hard it left me feeling quite exhausted.
The pain began again as I lay there recovering, but more slowly this time. It grew in its intensity and lasted much longer than the first jolt. Once it abated I felt the relief but also the fatigue, which allowed me at last to fall asleep. I began to dream about my adoptive family, but unfortunately some of the dream was lost because the pain returned, waking me up. The intensity of it caused me to lose my focus on the dream. What I do remember was still quite interesting and actually quite significant in its meaning.
I was facing my whole family and it appeared they were all naked. I say this because they were obscured by a very bright light, sort of a wall that divided us. At first when I remembered this I wondered if I had been wrong about them because the white light would seem to symbolize goodness. But because of the pain I was getting I realized the light was more of a barrier; we were on opposite sides and so the light was for my protection.
The pain was there to emphasize these people were not to be trusted and I could be harmed by them. The light was a shield between us not only as a reminder I am being protected, but also telling me I must not be fooled by appearances with regards to these people. My situation with this family was never as it seemed to be. The pain stopped me from falling into this familiar trap based on years of seeing a false reality, a bit like The Truman Show. The lines would be blurred in so many situations, and so making it difficult—especially as a child, to understand what was the truth and what was false.
Note— Since I have begun to understand more of the truth about my birth parents and the reality of my past, I have ceased to get these pains. It is interesting to me that as more of the puzzle pieces fell into place, the pains became less frequent. As if each jolt was meant to create a break in the wall allowing the information to seep back to me but in a way that was safer for me to accept.
The pains were the strongest right after my dream receiving the Tree of Life which would make sense because at that precise point I was being awakened to the world from which I had been taken. Over the years I had noticed the pains would come at significant turning points on my walk, such as when we packed up our home and made the trip to see Grandma Grizzly. There were many days during this trip when I was affected by sharp pains in my heart, restricting my ability to function.
To this day I still experience these pains to mark times when I make choices for change such as moving to Ecuador, the place I will finish writing this book. They are like links in a chain which over a long period of time have finally brought me to my home continent. The majority of the links were constructed at the beginning of the journey, as it should be.
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