Author’s note; This dream was actually connected to the dream I posted yesterday about the sweater. I had them one after the other which is why I am saying that I fell back to sleep after calming down. To first dream of the sweater and be reminded of that emotional attachment to my mother, then to fall into a dream about my father made for quite a difficult night…..
The Burial September 18, 2002
This dream is one of the most difficult for me to look back on. At the time I had no idea who was being buried, nor could I hope to understand why I had to be there, helplessly watching. I knew only that it was an act of cruelty and was completely overwhelmed with the horror of seeing this person buried in this manner. I am still wrought with grief as I recall the event, a moment in time from which I feel I will never recover, for I now know who it was in that mass grave and why I was made to watch.
Once I had calmed down, I again fell asleep and dreamt of a man being buried. It was as if I was watching through a glass wall or window (could this have been the glass chamber of the Montauk chair?). They were pouring gravel over him and I was banging on the glass and yelling at them to stop. No one seemed to hear me. I woke up at that moment wondering if those men realized what they were doing, leading me to believe this was not a typical burial.
Whomever it was they were pouring the gravel onto meant a great deal to me. I believe I felt he was still alive, not being of an age I could comprehend the finality of death and the burial ritual. I am not certain of my age in this dream as I was watching through the eyes of my younger self, as if I was actually there reliving that moment in time. I would have been seven years old when my father was buried in this way, something I did not learn until just last year (2017).
Now awake I realized for certain I knew this person, and that it was a cruel and intentional act. I just could not understand at the time of the dream why I would know them. Was I present for this burial as a child, forced once again to watch someone I loved treated with such cruelty? Was this why I first had the dream about finding my baby sweater? Was it to remind me of the connection to this man based on my age at the time I last saw him?
Another experience meant to traumatize me, stopping me from remembering him. The memory safely locked away in my mind. I was watching this through a child’s eyes, but able to remember and understand it as an adult.
Another shard returned.
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