Ballet Results March 9, 2003
This was such a great moment to experience because it washed away the burden of insecurity I had carried for so long.
I don’t know if this was a dream or perhaps more of a flash, as happens sometimes when I close my eyes but remain awake. In either case, it was a good feeling to receive the information.
I was standing, holding a piece of paper. Written on the paper was the actual result of my ballet exam, the last exam I took for the advanced class. This piece of paper revealed I had in fact not failed the exam, as originally told. This knowledge hit me like a blast, feeling as if I had been thrown against a wall.
As I recalled the dream in the morning I realized what a gift it was to have this knowledge. Believing I had failed, I gave it all up. It was the last straw after all that had happened during that tumultuous year. The end of a kind of identity and independence, and something at which I excelled.*
Even though it is much too late, still it feels wonderful to realize this was perhaps the only thing I had done right at the time. It goes a long way to undo the damage caused by the lie. What I suspected all along had been true. Growing up, ballet was the only beautiful and reassuring thing I had in my life. Really, it was my life, the thread that kept me believing in something positive. I was heart broken when told I had failed to advance.
When we lived in Creston, B.C. I was given a wonderful gift for Christmas 1996: two tickets to the St. Petersburg Ballet performing in Cranbrook B.C. Despite my love for dancing I had never before had the opportunity to see this caliber of ballet, live. I was really excited because my first teacher had danced in the Bolshoi and I knew the standards in Russia were very high, for perfection was the goal.
I would be witnessing something comparable to how my teacher would have danced when she was younger and in her prime. Madame Chermentoff was the first person to see something good in me and encourage me to follow this dream to dance. This is what I wrote after the experience:
Going to watch the Russian Ballet in Cranbrook, B.C., sent me back in time to a dream I had as a child, and that dream was to dance. As the dancers came forward to take their final bow I began to cry, a steady stream of tears rolling down my face, even as I left the auditorium. I cried at the beauty of the dancers, but more importantly I cried for that childhood dream I failed to fulfill. It took me twenty years to face all that regret.
Writing to Patrick, thanking him for this gift:
This card is to say thank you from that young child who wanted nothing more than to dance with grace and beauty, with a partner who helped her soar. You gave me a chance to experience that. The time has long passed for me to ask for more and I can finally accept that. This was a great gift you gave me……
It truly was a great gift. We don’t always get to fulfill our dreams, and although it may be difficult to accept, we still must try to find pleasure in at least having had the opportunity to try. It was a great reassurance to learn I did indeed possess the skill that could have carried me towards a career in dance. Choosing to have a family was a top priority for me as well, and I will never regret having stayed at home, being there for my children as they grew up.
When they reached the age to leave home, the direction they would take was their choice to make. We gave support for the decisions they made, accommodating them as best we were able, even though it meant them leaving our home before we were ready to let them go. More than anything I wanted them to be happy, giving them the opportunity to find their own way. It would have been in my best interest to keep them at home a while longer, but perhaps not in theirs. I chose to let them go, hoping they would always find their way back to us. Unfortunately, to this day that has not been the case, but I believe them to be happy, and that is important.
I remember when Joshua’s father wanted him to become an architect, something Joshua did not want. He felt the pressure weighing him down, uncomfortable with the level of academic learning he would need in order to fulfill his fathers wish. When we found out the source of his emotional distress we counseled him to make this life choice for himself, not for his father. His love of drawing and the skill for doing what he loved was something we felt he should pursue, if possible.
In the end he made the choice to go to the University of Lethbridge to study art and graphic design. His incredible relief in being able to make his own choice regarding his career was immeasurable. He once more became his easy going, happy self, looking forward to the future. We were enabled to provide the opportunity to make this choice by backstopping his decision, giving him the strength to stand up for what he wanted. It was not that we wanted him to rebel against his fathers choice, but only that he be certain he was making his choice for the right reasons. We found it personally empowering to help him in this way.
*see The Circle Continues, Chapter II, page 71
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