Death by Spider Spring 2008
This dream was probably one of the most important dreams or memories I have had, absolutely pivotal. I believe this to be true because I still carry the scar from the experience, a scar no one has ever reasonably explained, the story always changing depending on who was offering some different explanation.
I used to be bothered by this scar on my face, uncomfortable with its upfront and obvious position, making me feel ugly. To me it was as though it was lit from underneath, a beacon to all who saw me and pointing to a time I was deeply terrified. Many people have asked me about it over the years, but I could never give a satisfactory answer, even to myself.
The fear is there even though I did not remember why I had the scar. I just knew somehow that it represented a very awful experience.
For most of my early life I wished the scar would just fade and disappear, it was an embarrassment to me. Strangely though when I was in my thirties an offer came from Dr. Willard to remove it I suddenly understood it was a battle scar to be worn with pride. It is funny how the mind works; at once pushing something away while at the same time trying to recall what it is you want to go away.
In this dream I remember being in the locked room, again. I am happy though because they gave me a kitten to play with. Unfortunately this happiness was not to last, suddenly turning into an experience I would have preferred to never remember. I was playing with my new friend when from the ceiling a very large spider dropped on its silk and down to the floor.
I was terrified of its sudden appearance and began to slide on my bum away from the kitten. The kitten, unaware of the danger, did not move. Or perhaps it happened too quickly for the little guy to react. The spider landed on the kitten and I have to now assume it paralyzed or killed it.
I turned away afraid to watch, laying down on the floor and going into the fetal position. I felt something tickling my arm and knew the spider was on me. I could feel it crawling up my shoulder and then up my neck approaching my face. I was crying and began to scream for my Papa to come (but of course he was not there and was unable to save me) as out of the corner of my eye I could see the long black legs of the spider crawl up over my head and onto my cheek. I was terrified, hardly able to breathe let alone move, as I woke up at the same time it settled on my face. I took a long time to calm down once I was awake and realize I was safe in the present. I had to do a quick check around the room, though, to make sure I did not have company in the form of a spider.
Years of my extreme spider phobia, now explained, I wanted to learn more. I needed to understand if the spider of this dream was real or just part of my crazy imagination. I went to the library that day to look for spider images to see if such a large spider existed. As it turned out it does. I compared my dream spider to that of a tarantula only much bigger, and without the hair covering the body. Very black and very large.
I could only find fact books in the adult section of that library, so I couldn’t even begin to make an identification without visual confirmation. But I did learn something very interesting which turned a light on in my mind. The stomach hairs of spiders are poisonous, allowing them to paralyze the victim until it is ready to eat it.
These poisonous hairs can leave permanent marks in strange patterns such as I have on my cheek, much like blood vessels broken under the skin. This was what the iridologist believed had made the mark on my cheek and so also believed he could remove it.
In that moment I instantly knew this dream was real. Growing up I was told different things including it’s a birthmark, or an allergic reaction; this from the Canadian family that raised me. How could they not know what it was or when I got it?.
Now certain such a spider exists I went to the children’s section to look for a picture book on spiders and found the exact spider from my dream. I almost dropped the book when I saw it. I had to sit down and take a breath. This is the South American Bird Spider.
Part of me had hoped it was my imagination, while another part hoped I had finally found the answer to a mystery of my past. What a horrible realization I now faced, providing the sudden undeniable truth this had actually occurred. It is difficult to explain the feeling of seeing something so incredible become a reality. Everything just seemed to settle, the silence deafening as the sensation filled my centre. Truth shining bright in the corners of my mind, the discomfort of this understanding making itself known.
I could now understand the term blood runs cold as I held open the page on this amazing spider, the largest in the world. I have always had an unreasonable aversion to spiders, the fear now completely understandable, a realization much easier to accept with the knowledge my terrifying experience become real in this moment.
I uttered a silent prayer to never again see one in person. That being said, I wonder now as I write this memory if I will have to face one in order to fully accept the reality of the terrible situation that turned me into a ghost of myself.
On that day so long ago I witnessed the ‘death by spider’ of an innocent creature. In spirit I also died a lot that day. Because my father did not come to rescue me I felt all hope was lost, left to deal with this fear on my own. How does one so young understand abandonment? Of course now I understand why my father could not rescue me, but most of my life has passed by with the wondering.
I have had another dream, waking without remembering what the dream was about, recalling only the room and the fear associated with it. On reviewing my dream journal I was triggered into remembering this dream from the previous week, which made me realize I dreamt of the bird spider once before. I would have been in the same room, the danger not apparent on this occasion because I only noticed the spider on its web. It did not come into my space, so I was not frightened at this point. It comes to my mind now they introduced the kitten into the experiment as bait when the spider failed to come down the first day. Unfortunately, the kitten was indeed enough to encourage the spider to come down. I would dream of this spider several times over the years, becoming an important character in my life, and from whose introduction I will likely never fully recover.
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