May 1, 2025
Since the beginning of this story, the information coming to me in very fragmented form became like a puzzle which needed solving. There were not nearly enough answers as the question of my identity surfaced. Who am I? So much of it didn’t make sense, yet every time I wanted to give up, stop looking, another piece of the puzzle would show itself and the process would begin again. From the little mouse, I grew up as, content to hide from the world, becoming this woman confident enough to not only stand in the open, but claim to be the daughter of someone so famous for his fight against those who oppress the underprivileged. His own daughter oppressed for being born, so how incredible to find myself on the other side of my prison door at last able to be his daughter.
The dreams began just after sending in my passport application with my legal name now as Gabriel Guevara, the details of most, which were coming almost every night, forgotten upon waking. Only the fear which accompanied so many memories and dreams from my first years remembering my past, remained.
Below are the dreams which had enough fragments to write about. My story has done me no favours. Remembering brought only sorrow, fear and a great deal of confusion, taking many years to sort through in order to get a picture worth sharing. Claiming my name while giving me great comfort, and a sense of belonging once more to my birth family, has also reminded me through the dreams, there is danger connected to this claim – I suppose there always will be.
April 9, 2025
In the dream which happened between waking up around 4:00, then falling back to sleep around 5:00 am, I experienced a deep fear resonating with my childhood. Hearing a noise (which seemed so real, I believed this actually happened), I got up to see if there was someone in my house. When I got to the top of the stairs and looked down, I came face to face with a man who was standing about half way up the flight of stairs leading to me. He was wearing a light coloured suit, grey or off white, not sure. The lighting obscured his face, so could not make out hair color or anything, just his body kind of silhouetted – both of us not moving. I’m not sure why, but I turned to go back to my room, my fear of this man was very real, although other than the obvious reality of him being uninvited in my home, the explanation escapes me. It seemed my fear came from familiarity with him and it was very defeating to see him, punishment seemed inevitable. The strange thing that happened when I turned to walk away, was the situation repeated itself. I was back in bed awakened by a noise, which got me up to investigate. This time though, when I got to the top of the stairs there was no one there. Too afraid to go down, I just satisfied my curiosity by listening for unusual sounds and lights being on that shouldn’t. Once more, I turned to go back to bed, this time I saw myself get back into bed, then lay there on my left side, facing the door and letting out a scream. This was a scream of frustration in my mind when I woke. I just let it rip, not once, but twice before coming out of the dream. Actually, I would call it a vision, thinking about it as I write because of its power and the presence remaining upon coming out of it. It felt so real, I wondered if anyone actually heard the screams. The day had a sort of shadow clinging to me, something not comfortable.
April 13, 2025
Just totally bizarre night, weird dreams which finally got me up this morning. The first dreams which woke me around 4:00 am, were reminiscent of lord of the rings. Unfortunately there is not much remembered , but the last part of the dream had a group of us traversing a rather challenging terrain, chased by someone on horseback carrying a weapon. We were fleeing a bad situation, although where and why escapes me now. Then after getting up to use the washroom, falling back to sleep brought me into another dream. Once more there was a mysterious situation which found me looking over my shoulder as I worried about being followed.
When I woke up, it was to see myself crossing a large parking lot like those at big box stores. My attention was brought to what looked like a bag, a piece of garbage, but there was a message on the back of it addressed to me. This was very strange because it could see the message, knew it was for me, but walked away from it – the feeling of not wanting to acknowledge its presence or its significance. As I tried to cross the street, which was several lanes, in order to get to my hotel room, a little white car came flying around the corner from the parking lot coming straight for me. At first, I made an attempt to run ahead of it, then changed my mind at the last second, stopping fast and hard – the car flew past me, the driver angry at me. It was very late at night or very early in the morning, no traffic, which was why the attempt to cross without the lights seemed fine. The car was a complete surprise, seemed intentional, waking me, the feeling my life was just spared heavy on my mind for a good part of the day.
This brought up memories of a day when something very similar to this actually happened to me years ago, while living in Prince Albert, SK. Waiting for the light to change, standing on the edge of the sidewalk ready to step off, my attention was drawn to a man driving a small car who was in the turning lane facing me. He was stopped behind another vehicle unable to make the turn, so I’m not sure why I felt the danger in that moment. The light turned yellow which meant he would remain stopped as I crossed the road. However, at the second the light changed and as I lifted my right foot to step onto the road, he jumped out of line in the turning lane, booted it and flew through the now red light, driving past me, so close if I had reached out with my hand I would have touched his vehicle. In fact had my leg been extended, my foot on the road, he would have hit me. At the speed he got up to, there is no question I would have been seriously injured or possibly killed. I stood there with my mouth open looking at him as he went by – he looked back at me giving me a shoulder shrug, as if to say, “oh well, I tried!”
Walking the rest of the way home, a very short distance, felt like being in a dream. Like walking beside myself seeing what was happening in slow motion while at the same time feeling the urgency of how quickly my life could have ended. It played over and over in my mind, how quickly he maneuvered around the car in the turning lane, getting up to speed, so perfectly timed. Even today I can feel the incredible sensation of how time seemed to stand still for me, preventing my foot from going forward, while he sped by.
April 21, 2025
This mornings dream was long and quite involved, but again, mostly forgotten. What is remembered, is fragments, like drying my hair in a public place, some kind of convention or something as if I was part of a demonstration. I could see my hair as someone pulled with a special hair dryer that curls as it dries. Then suddenly there was a strong sense of danger – I had to leave right away. Having no idea why I was at this event, yet it seemed to be connected to the beauty industry, my hair was important and was getting significant attention. The next thing I remember is getting separated from the man I was with who seemed to be my husband and protector, but I couldn’t see his face throughout the dream. His identity was unknown to me and I was unsure if I could trust him. Somehow this feels connected to the heart pain on Sunday evening. There is a feeling we separated for a reason, like a diversion, but don’t know why we would do this. I felt vulnerable and concerned for us both.
The next thing I remember was being at home (a place not recognized) waiting for him to arrive. We were compromised, I knew I wouldn’t relax, be able to eat or sleep until he got home. He pulled up in a strange car, which seemed to be on its last legs, so not sure where he got it from or why he used it to get home, but he made it. This was when I woke up, quite groggy and surprisingly, unsure of where I was, the fear of being found strong in my thoughts.
The dreams have been coming for a week or so now, almost every night, but this one has the most information remembered.
April 26, 2025
What a night! First a wonderful dream which gave me great hope this morning. In the dream, I was in bed and was suddenly wakened by the presence of a spirit energy moving on top of my body. Because this movement woke me up, it was a frightening experience bringing me back to my childhood and the time spent in the room. My first instinct was to fight this energy, get it off me. What stopped me was being able to see the movement of invisible feet moving on top of the covers, like a dog getting its bed just perfect. This was when the real magic happened because as I watched this movement, Mali slowly appeared in front of me. She then just sat on my stomach and waited for me to pet her. Both a sense of relief and a feeling of joy came together in the same moment as I reached for her, waking with the feel of her fur under my fingers.
How incredible to touch her, see her smiling face as she let me know she’s still with me, her love carrying me through as it always has.
Sitting in the quiet of the morning drinking my coffee, there is a reminder with this dream how precious a gift Señorita Mali was to me. Even though it was Lucas who found her, saved her and brought her home as his own, she was from the first moment we met, my dog. Over the years we spent together, it was understood she was brought to me knowing I would need her love to carry me through all I was about to go through. How many times I would have given up, been willing to let go of my life, had it not been for her. She was my strength when the sorrow overwhelmed me time and again. She was the very reason I got out of bed so many days – her happy beautiful soul reminding me there is always hope if we keep trying.
There is also acknowledgement she was taken from me because it was time for me to stand on my own. If I’m honest, I have to admit there were days I almost didn’t make it without her daily light to help me deal with the heaviness. The nightmares of late reminding me it’s not over yet, there is more to do. Mali’s presence this morning confirmation of her continuing support and my need to keep going. It is time to go home, the desire becoming a constant ache in my heart.
**it is interesting to note, this positive dream with Mali follows receiving my passport which took exactly 3 weeks to arrive. Since receiving the passport, the dreams have stopped, so perhaps they were symbolic of a door closing as another opens…….
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