How auspicious on this the spring equinox, I would discover the root of my problem. Most of us believe our circumstances are because of outside influences, they are not. Although we may know differently, we often find ourselves encouraging the same behaviour which caused an event in our life. As was stated in previous blogs, the only way out of an abusive relationship, is to say NO! The way to leave a recurring problem, however big or small, is to change how we see ourselves, to say no to the way others inevitably see us as a result.
My struggles here, back in Canada are finally understood, identified because of the incredible gift from a man whom I previously did not know, combined with my dreams of late. To have such clarity on this day signifies a great personal victory!
My dream this morning was about Patrick and the continual threat to my person because he saw me as the victim, which was accurate at the time we met. He was attracted to fighting spirit which lay beneath the role of victim, but continuously caused situations which kept me in the role he least liked me in. How strange this behaviour is, at least at first glance. By keeping me in the submissive role, he then removed himself from that role. We were both victims of childhood abuse, we just chose to deal with our perspective situations with opposing reactions. I was more the mouse, waiting for the aggressor to attack. He was the aggressor. Yet we were both victims, my fear obvious, his hidden behind the bravado.
So to the dream which contributed to this enlightened moment on this special day.
The dream which will now be missing many details, lost as this story began to formulate taking priority, but the main message is still there. Patrick in this dream was exactly as he was in our marriage, always flirting with other women in front of me, being incredibly helpful to them in a way he never was at home often leaving the most difficult and arduous tasks to me while he spent time in his man cave. However a damsel in distress whom he could use to hurt me, always received his attention. This accomplished his desired result, one of hurt and abandonment for me which triggered fight or flight. Me not having a means to support myself with 4 children ensured I remained his captured audience, a situation he took great advantage of.
In the dream I was being challenged by a situation in which Patrick was helping a woman and her young daughter. She was like me, a victim, so he was rescuing her, running circles around me in order to impress her. You have to understand, he never did this to get the girl, only to keep me worried he would choose her over me. While he ran around, I decided to have a bath and read a book, let him have his moment of glory without an audience. But the whole point is to have me in his audience, so he drained my water and cluttered up my space with boxes from the basement, anything to annoy me and cause me to react in front of the other woman to show her how little I respect him. I did end up telling him with a loud firm voice something like this…..”Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, it’s alway about you, what you need, what you want, what you have to have. Now leave me alone so I can have my bath in peace”.
Rather than humiliation, the woman turned her attention to me, her daughter ran up to me wanting to be picked up and cuddled. Patrick faded from the dream and I woke up at this point.
Because we are victims, it is engrained in our thought process we cannot defend ourselves against the aggressor. This is unfortunately true as they generally fight back in a way and out of sight of critical viewers which does more damage. Victims like Patrick need other victims like me who they can step on to feel stronger Our last conversation in Ecuador was one sided, his attempt to put me back under his boot where he felt I belonged. He had made his plans to leave, needing, I now see, to do so with this last act of aggression under his belt to feel superior on his exit. While he stood in my open doorway flailing his arms, stamping his feet and yelling at me for not looking after his needs, not caring enough for him, I simply sat there, confusion openly expressed on my face. His temper tantrum the act of a child, whom clearly felt his mother (who he saw me as a replacement of over the many years we were together) did not give him the attention he deserved. In this moment as I write this out, it is like I am watching a movie of exactly that – a small boy who felt his mother did not do enough to protect him at an age when he was so vulnerable. Often I felt he saw me as his mother rather than his wife, someone who should take care of him without being concerned how it affected me to be forced into this role of caregiver ensuring he was my priority even over my children.
Because I did not crumble on the day he displayed his weakest side in Ecuador, he did indeed inflict great punishment on me for daring to be strong in the face of his bullying. He did so by returning from his month away with a South American bird spider, and placing it in my room while I was away. There was no punishment which could have inflicted more fear, more pain for me. It was the act of a coward, yet it was for me an act of great courage in facing my significant fear haunting me from early childhood by removing the spider, alive, from my room. It was these series of events which released me from the bondage of my marriage. I would be nobody’s victim again!
This brings me to my experience on Friday with the man who lavished me with so much praise for telling my story. Recognizing this praise was not for me alone it was shared both on my blog and on FB. But even before he came in the store sharing a conversation with me, I began to have other dreams, nights when I feel my father has been in conversation with me as well. One of the duties I was instructed to accomplish, was to ensure all my blog stories were transferred into a format ensuring their safe keeping. This confused me, although it was a task started in Ecuador, yet forgotten because the necessity was lost on me. There is and has always been the understanding my stories fall on deaf ears, the interest so minimal, what could it matter? This morning there is clarity!
The process of transferring the stories into book format was largely for my own need to see how much I accomplished on my journey out of this country. It has become obvious to me, although really there was very little reading done as I transferred the stories, I had to leave Canada to finally recognize my true self. My biggest challenge by returning, especially to the same town I resided in before leaving, has been to avoid falling into the same roll others recognize me for. The role of victim. My frustration at being continually placed back into this role has caused me to remain isolated. At work I am once more facing the obstacle of a woman who feels she has the right to dominate me, seeing me as a victim much as Patrick did. This caused me to be quite sad, especially I believe because her worst actions to date, happened to fall on the same day I was praised for my bravery. The contrast, the similarity to so many years in such a relationship of punishment / reward, made me feel as though I was in a loop which would never end.
My dream this morning provided the final aspect of the formula which becomes the answer for such a dilemma. There is understanding now for why no one here makes much effort to read my stories, or if they do, to understand them. They are still listening with the impression I am a victim. They have not yet caught up to the fact my journey, which had to take place in a country a million miles away so as not to be continually pulled back into the role everyone was comfortable seeing me in, was made in order to leave this way of life behind me forever. Some have even tried to force me back into the submissive role in order to feel more comfortable with not only me, but also themselves. The woman you see today is not the woman who left almost 4 years ago, it is now you who must change your view of me, I have done so already.
Until those who read my story do so from the perspective of just meeting me as the Hutterite man has, they will not fully appreciate the value of what I have written and why. This has never been about sympathy, or concern. I do not wish to hear empty compliments or platitudes which I do recognize by the way, this is not why I share my stories. As the man told me, things are changing in the world because we are sharing what happened. This is the purpose of exposing the pain and sorrow – to create enough change the world no longer has to deal with such tragedies! I am but one of the whole who are doing the same thing, so it is not for recognition of who I am by birth, only acceptance of the long process which needs to take place in order for the complete change to happen. Do not diminish what I have accomplished by ignoring the very heart of my journey please.
Always it has been about showing one path which has been my path, to leave a punishment / reward situation – I am not a victim and I wish to be respected for all I have done to accomplish this great task of leaving such a demeaning way of living. My spirit has grown far too large to be forced back into the tiny compartment some wish to see me in, so get used to it because I would rather be alone than be continually categorized as something I worked so hard to escape from. Yes I have PTSD, this does not mean I remain a victim, only that I am triggered by the constant view there has not been significant growth on my part, that I see the world from the perspective still assumed of me.
I know who I am – wanting you to believe the story of my heritage is not the point of telling it. The journey itself is the reason for sharing my story – I would not have dared to make it public had there not been significant reason to believe in it myself. This does not however, mean I need or want you to believe me, only that you try to enjoy the incredible journey which led me to the conclusion. Only then will you see who stands before you.
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