It seems impossible to realize it is December and Christmas is just around the corner. Thankfully, Christmas is not a bit deal here, as I have alway had a hard time with the season. It brings back feeling os uncertainty, quilt and abandonment. When the kids were small, it was much easier to get enthusiatic, their joy became my joy and I loved watching their excitement. It’s kind of difficult to think Christmas when it looks more like summer too. I am grateful to be here this year, away from the hustle and bustle of the Yuletide season.
I was mistaken to think that this is the summer season here though, it is winter. But in Chile, it is summer and the kids will be finishing the school year at Christmas time. We have been having quite a bit of rain lately which makes sense given the time of the year. There was snow on Imburbura the other day which is an indication of the season also. We have been caught in the rain more than once as we made our way to or from Otavalo which is a 5 Km walk for us. But I never mind, when you are walking you warm up and after all it is just water. It’s just a little tough coming home to a room that has no heat. The air is cooler up on the mountain and everything feels damp with all the moisture. So I have grown fond of having a blanket on at night while I am working. My hands get pretty cold while I am working on my computer, or drawing, but then my house back in canada was much the same in the winter. There was heat, but the house never got warm.
Like anything, it is what we focus on that makes the day good or bad. I cannot have a bad day here, there is just too much beauty all around me. That does not mean that I have not had bad moments (sometimes many bad moments all strung together), but my focus is for the most part on how incredible it is to be here.
The book is now finished, to the best of my ability. Now we face the daunting task of finding an agent to represent the book, which is apparently the way to do things in the publishing world. One must pay someone else to take care of all the nitty gritty unpleasant (at least in my mind) details that are involved in a contract.
I am a bit unnerved by this process, the opening paragraph of a one page letter is all that could stand between you and an agent. They read hundreds of letters sometimes in a day, so I must find a way to get their attention. This also poses a significant problem for me because I must now accept the reality of rejection. This is very difficult for me, I imagine due to the abandonment issues from childhood. I take little solace in the knowledge that it took someone like Agatha Christie 5 years of rejections to finally find success. Somehow I am unable to see myself hitting my head against the wall like that and staying sane. So now we face the reality of a world that may or may not accept what I have spent the last year putting together, the last 50 plus years experiencing.
I have considered many times the idea of just keeping this book to myself, let it be my own personal therapy. This of course would eliminate the whole rejection process, but I know this would not be the right decision. The books purpose is to help others, which cannot be accomplished if it hides in my drawer. However, it is not easy to let others look into my world of pain and sorrow. This is especially true when faced with the knowledge that many would see me locked up for what I believe to be true regarding my heritage and what that means. I have to ask myself each day if I am capable of facing the thoughts of others regarding my claim. Am I strong enough to accept the certainty of rejection as I present my story to a list of agents?
Will I be able to accept the possibility on the other side of the fence of receiving attention for my story if it is accepted. For some, I suppose this is the end game, to become popular, to be in the lime light so to speak. For me though, this is terrifying.
I see myself being much more like Bilbo Baggins, wishing only to get on the boat with the fairies and find solace in a peaceful environment. To be in that quiet space, protected from the world that has been harsh and unforgiving for the most part. This is what I really wish for, as being part of the world has never been easy or comfortable for me. Some wounds do not heal…..
So I begin this new month with the resolve to face the biggest fears I have, to find the strength each day to believe in this book that I have allowed to lead me here, to Ecuador. The hardest work is about to begin, something I have pushed to the back of my mind as I worked through the stories.
I thought when I began this book, the most difficult aspect would be to face the abuse and basically relive all those difficult memories. But the truth came as a surprise when I realized that it was in discovering the identity of my parents, and therefore myself that I truly fell apart. I began to grieve for the first time in 50 years, allowing myself at last to see what I had lost in my lifetime. I have to be honest, there were many days recalling the abuse from those early years, that dropped me into a hole, but gratefully, I have learned many skills to guide me back to the surface where there is sunshine. Now I must utilize all those skills to stay in the sun while I face the next phase of this journey. Either way, the book has been a great experience, helping me to clarify much which in turn has given me the strength to accept the possibility of failure or acceptance. It’s interesting to realize the fear attached to either of the outcomes are one and the same.
The journey to Ecuador has been such a great gift, one I will always be eternally grateful for. When I think of how scared I was standing at the airport upon arrival, I am encouraged to keep trying as that was the biggest step I have ever made in my life. It was much like putting my foot over the edge of a cliff knowing there was only air beneath it. That also is a huge fear, that drop into the unknown.
I am grateful to those who have stayed with me, encouraged me, and helped me see that I made the right choice. You are with me each day on this journey and I am very grateful for your presence. Friendship is also new for me, so I do treasure knowing you are there despite the distance seperating us.
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