August 3, 2022
You just never know how your thoughts, travelling from one idea to another, will lead to understanding. At times this process is quite slow to reveal the truth of what we need to hear, while at other times the answers come more quickly.
Tonight it was the period at the end of a sentence from a long process of listening to my inner voice, comments while in conversations with new people and talking to myself – which I tend to do a lot with the intention of changing or learning. There is something about the act of speaking out loud my thoughts which can change how I look at things. This process began last week while observing my own behaviour at the job I love most – to date. But, as I commented already, the interaction with new people has caused me to look at myself differently as well because I have lately been in an environment which brings out my own child self as well as the memories of being with my children. This has brought out a deep engrained feeling of happiness, but there is a cost for this as I’ve discovered. This state of bliss creates imbalance as I forget to go back to my adult self, saying and doing things a child can get away with, but not an adult. Over the last few days, I have found myself slipping over the edge of that dark place I struggled so hard to get out of. It is a place of despair, not understanding how to behave, allowing the dominating force of innocence to prevail usually to my embarrassment. I have discovered through this process, I enjoy the attention from the child ego point of view. When the attention becomes more serious, I become confused and frightened as I must have been when I was a child. The loving embrace of a father, the encouraging words from him heard through my child ears brought joy and comfort. This is what I’m craving, this incredible feeling of belonging, being accepted, being loved so deeply. These same attentions given from an unknown person who may or may not have a very different agenda, remind me of the trauma, terrify me into rejecting the attention, however innocent it may be. It becomes a push, pull game misunderstood by most, including me. I enjoy the innocent play, but cannot deal with the intensity of something more serious. My confusion through the transition creates the more foolish reactions which confuses people. It’s understandable – those moments go round and round in my head until it’s hurts. It has become a struggle to find the balance and I am praying my boss will have the patience, without the knowledge of understanding why I am the way I am, to help me through it. I would not blame him if he cannot.
I am a child most of the time really. While this may be difficult to understand and possibly to even explain, the reality is, in so many ways I am just a child. I am that little girl of 2 years old who saw the beauty of a world through eyes filled with love and compassion. For reasons I cannot explain she was kept intact despite all the trauma she faced. Perhaps it was because she somehow locked herself in the room with her memories. Perhaps it was because the grandmothers encased that beautiful spirit in protective light shielding her from the darkness she was facing. When forced to, I become the adult who has to deal with the financial struggles, job worries, the reality of the world we live in and the mess it has become just like everyone else. But I prefer the reality of my child like innocent self who sees only the good around her, the bright colors, the life which goes on despite the problems. I prefer to paint, read, draw, eat chocolate and enjoy watching the birds fly and the flowers as they wave in the wind. A child’s life is so much simpler – when I’m in that state of mind, I am happy, sure of myself, innocent, believing anything is possible. It is the transition from child mindset to adult which causes PTSD symptoms I have discovered. The cold reality of changing from the happy, unrestricted space into the harsh reality of being a responsible adult throws me into limbo where my mind struggles to catch up.
The simple truth is, I never got to be a child once I reached the age of 2 1/2 years. Forced to see the world of adults, the worst aspects of them at this young age ended my childhood abruptly and cruelly. I lost everything associated with such a simple life, the stepping stones which normally lead one into adult realities became a leap across the chasm into a world I didn’t understand or trust. I left my true child self on one side of this chasm, the adult version continued to walk the path given her. Everything representing comfort, trust, faith, love and truth stayed with the child, the adult could not accept such things in her world. It seems, therefore, a miracle to have been able to retain the childlike innocence and joy. Perhaps this is why I have been enjoying living alone so much. No one asks me to be a grown up while I’m in my safe space. No one asks me to look after them when the truth is I need care for myself. There is no expectation once I walk through the door to my home – I can breath, I can relax.
This morning I awoke from a very special dream in which a Grandmother gave me a beautiful gift. It started with me learning to trust a man whose face I could not see. I’m not sure where we were, whose home we were at, but there was a big tree swing in the front yard. He convinced me to join him, the child in me convinced my adult self it would be ok. I straddled him holding onto his arms rather than the rope on either side, my grip was so tight I do not know why he did not complain. As if by magic we started to climb very high, very quickly with what seemed like zero effort on his part. The reason for my worry was the swing would take us over the road, so if a car happened to drive by would we be able to avoid the crash? Slowly I relaxed allowing the gentle movement and the incredible sensation of flying to set in – I began to let go my iron grip on his arms enjoying the view looking around me rather than squeezing my eyes shut.
Fear crept back in as I saw a truck approach and I could not help but wonder how we would be able to time our swing so we didn’t come down as the truck arrived in our path. But then as can only happen in dreams, he spotted something across the road and wanted to take a closer look. It was a bird he said, let see what kind. The next thing I knew we were in the tree waiting for the bird to appear again. Oh look he said, it’s a hummingbird, which was confirmed by the flash of brilliant pink on its neck. The hummingbird flew up to us then and landed on my hand which was holding a tree branch. Such an exciting moment in my dream to share this experience with someone. I wasn’t alone, the magic was something I could share. Then another magical moment when from below a woman (one of the Grandmothers) whose face was also obscure, called up to us wanting to present me with the gift of one of the hummingbird feathers. Actually she had 2 feathers, but explained she would keep the smaller one for herself.
Although in reality this would not be the case either, there was a flash of the pinkish purple colouring on the feather – the size of the feather indicated it came from a wing where there would be no bright color. This was a magical dream where the message was more important than details being correct in the waking world. The dream world presents us with the impossible being real if we want it to be so. Seamos realistas; soñemos lo imposible!
My heart has been troubled for the last few days because of my child like behaviour especially when I’m feeling comfortable enough with people to allow it to dominate. Of course this sounds remarkably strange, because it is. I am a child with the all the expectations, vulnerability and sensitivity of one very young and innocent but in an adult body. People who do not understand the full scope of my story cannot identify why my behaviour does not jive. How can I handle the adult situations on my own, yet still behave as though I have no responsibilities at all?
My dream this morning was showing me the complexity of my self, the beauty and the danger combined with how I wish my world to look, but how it really is. I say this because before the hummingbird experience shared with a person who cared enough about me to allow me to be vulnerable without taking advantage, I dreamt about something very different. The first dream which is quite blurred right now, showed me how our world really is, especially today. A mixture of positive experiences verging into possible violence. I remember a large group of vigilantes armed with many weapons converging on the home I was visiting. I was with 2 other women, we were in a vulnerable situation. In this dream I was forced to be an adult – we took charge and confronted the men who arrived at our doorstep with violent intentions. I came out of the dream at this point, then fell into the other dream.
I am not yet whole, but my dream this morning showed me the time is coming when I will find myself in a safe place allowed to merge the past with the present, be the child and adult combined rather than the fractured person I am today. There is strength in both, yet there is also great vulnerability because my mind, my heart and soul are still disconnected – my past is still merging with my present. For most of my life it has been the innocent child who dominated my life experiences. Forced to be an adult she allowed herself to be manipulated not understanding the consequences with no true knowledge of what being an adult meant as she did not grow into it.
Over the last few months, I have come to realize I do not wish to save the world as my innocent self of the past wanted so badly. This was a trait instilled by my father, but I now understand it is not my desire in the way it was his. The world took everything from me – it is my desire, I now realize, the world saves me, looks after me. I have been an adult for most of my life, I wish to spend my last years enjoying the freedom only a child who experienced a safe and loving home can. This is what the world stole from me – I am asking for the means from those who took it to return what is rightfully mine so I may share it with the inexhaustible excitement of my child self. In this way the world will save me, care for me, allow me to become whole! I believe this is the message of the Grandmothers this morning.
There has been this understanding the child vulnerability has been my strength and perhaps in many situations it has. It is my adult self which carries the scars of my past, not my child self who seems frozen in that joyous first two years where love was all there was. In this way, acceptance of my own story will create the transition needed to live a balanced life.
So yes it is the transition from the two worlds which happens so quickly which causes my PTSD reactions. My mind cannot understand the transition from such a happy moment into a real one.
The problem lies with acknowledgement while I’m in a happy state, I am the child, I have not learned how to be the adult in a happy place because that would require trust. The trust has always been experienced while a child, her innocent view from a time when everyone was worthy. The adult has not yet found that person who can clearly see who she is and what she faces each day, but then as it has been pointed out, this is because I make so much effort to not show the scars. As a result, I have been alone for 60 years despite how many people I have lived with, shared my time and space with. Not one of them has truly seen me yet, although there is a few since my return to Canada who are closer. In order to see who I am as an adult, I have to accept and understand what I went through as a child. No one else can see this truth if I cannot accept it myself. My PTSD is my only daily reminder aside from the memories of my past, and most who look at me do not actually see the truth behind those times where I struggle with great effort to stay in the moment and not completely fall apart. This is exhausting, so it is no wonder I wish to only live in my safe space not dealing with so much expectation. For 60 years I have not had the luxury of a home life which produces contentment, trust, safety or love, it’s time for that to change. I must find a way to transition from the child to the adult in a more gradual safe way, if this is possible. I feel that if I were to have the opportunity to be loved, respected and cared for with someone such as the man from my dreams who I learned to trust and respect, I would unlock the door allowing my child self to be present in a more adult way. It is because we are still separate this issue plagues me.
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