July 27, 2023
Even though I know they are always watching me, it still becomes unsettling to realize how vulnerable I am, especially because there are few who could accept this aspect of my life. Not in the normal sense of the word, I am vulnerable because they can enter my home whenever they choose to and therefore take advantage of me by doing so because I am helpless in stopping them.
I dreamt this morning the man across the alley from me, the man I quit my job because of, tried to rape me. In the dream he followed me one day and while I was walking through the park he tackled me to the ground in front of others. He startled me, yet although I began to scream for help, the screams were lost in the wind as often happens in dreams. No one took notice of what was right in front of them as he told me he was going to rape me, or again when I kneed him in the groin and began to run away. This was when I bumped into a man who was the first to see what was happening. I was crying as he stopped me and then asked if the man on the ground assaulted me, his genuine concern stopped the dream – this was when I woke up. The message came almost right away as I thought about what happened. The reason no one could see what was happening was because they chose not to. They do not see what I see when I look at this man because they have not experienced what I have in life. I recognize what he is capable of because it’s in his eyes, his movement and his actions, his body language. I was raised by people who gave me up to pedophiles, I recognize the energy signatures of those capable of rape and assault, something one could easily miss if they have not experienced the receiving end of the actions of such people. Therefore in this dream surrounded by people, I was still alone, simply because those around me could not see as I do what this man is capable of.
The signs are there everyday guiding me to prepare for another life changing situation to happen. My home, although I have found considerable comfort here, is still just another part of this upcoming lesson. It really doesn’t matter where I live, this lesson will find me, it must happen for reasons I’m yet unclear about. Other than to believe this is the best way for me to understand something I have been blocking out for most of my life, I cannot see the purpose. But then, my life has never been in my hands, the road was chosen and there can be no deviations, only diversions. This morning as I started writing this out, the memory of a situation in Ecuador during lock down in 2020 came back to haunt me.
I was alone on the property because the caretakers had to help their family with harvesting fruit trees. They would not be able to return at the end of each day, so this meant I would be on my own. The days were so peaceful and I enjoyed the quiet time at first. As night fell I understood how easy it would have been for someone to come onto the property to take advantage of a lone female traveller, so my mind was troubled as darkness and the quiet enveloped me. After the first few days of being responsible for someone else’s property, the owner arranged for her father to stay so I would not be alone, she obviously had some concerns as well and perhaps realized after all, my safety was her responsibility. This seemed like a good arrangement at first.
But I must confess there was concern when I realized his wife would not be staying also. At first it seemed I was concerned for no reason, I mean why would he risk doing something to me, I was a tourist staying on his daughters property. He brought me some fruit the first day and then came back later that morning asking if I would like to share a meal with him. I was a bit leery because he knew no English and my Spanish was not good, but I agreed because I was quite low on food and could not risk going into town at the time due to the road blocks. They were checking for those travelling unnecessarily which meant they may have asked for my passport and visa. Although my passport was fine, I did wonder what they would do because of my expired visa and didn’t want to risk another complication.
It was a cold day because it had been raining, so he invited me into the kitchen where it was warmer near the stove. All was fine until he sat beside me while we waited for whatever he was cooking to be done. It happened so quickly, I could scarcely believe it, yet my body reacted this time which was also amazing to me, something I did not fully appreciate until much later. His hand was down my shirt grabbing at my breast as he kissed me – I was cornered, against the wall, the door blocked by the bench we were sitting on. Normally in this type of threatening situation I freeze, turn into a rag doll, helpless as a baby. This time I pushed him away and jumped up, which frightened him and he also jumped up allowing me to move the bench and leave. He did not try to stop me, nor did he follow me as I walked back to my room. This part is actually explained a little differently in the original post about it, reminding me of the value of writing as our memories do change over time. It’s not far off but still there is importance in the difference. The isolation previously enjoyed now seemed to smother me knowing he would be here for days and there was nowhere for me to go. As a victim, we tend to feel we cannot tell anyone what happened because, as I experienced when I disclosed about my brother-in-laws advances as a teenager, I was accused of leading him on. The isolation is in our mind, not our environment. Alone in a sea of people is how I have best described this feeling. The vulnerability becomes part of our character and unfortunately there are those who take pleasure in reminding us we are victims. Therefore the best way to fight back is to stop being a victim.
As a teen, what happened, what he tried to do became my fault, so this understanding of how others react stopped me from saying anything because I was already in a very vulnerable position with my visa situation. Alone, unable to phone anyone, unable to speak the language, low on money, unsure if I would be asked to leave not just the property, but the country – I was isolated in a way I cannot describe, afraid of my past, afraid of what could still happen and unsure of what I could do to protect myself other than avoid him. The room offered little to no protection against an intruder, something you become astutely aware of when so isolated. The relief felt when the caretakers returned was palpable.
There is really no difference in what I’m experiencing now because to most there is no visible threat. But most did not experience what the man said and did to me when no one else could see. The dream shows me the threat is not over, but how does one really prepare for something like this? I can control what I do, but not what he does. No, I do not feel safe here – I find comfort in my daily rituals, but every unusual or unexpected noise causes me to jump in anticipation of possibility. When I returned to Maple Creek, many said how relieved they were that I was back here where I was safe. How do I explain this is simply not true – I am not safe here, never have been. I am not safe anywhere, but Ecuador was the first place I felt comfortable in my own skin. It was the first real sense of “home” I have experienced during this long life of displacement. The experience I had with Elizabeth’s father taught me it does not matter where I am, my childhood will never be escaped, it has become the very essence of who I am and the reason I can understand so much, see what others cannot.
“Life is what happens while we’re busy making other plans”. John Lennon
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