I dreamt I had a dog, but it was a spirit dog, one which in the dream stays in the back bedroom of my apartment.
When I woke this morning I seemed to remember another dream about this dog following me home. Although this information was forgotten until now, Its importance is an obvious reminder of my desire and yes, need for such a companion.
The dream was complicated, as mine often are, so many details lost once an emotional connection was made with the spirit being. This is what is important, this emotional connection. Once made in the Dreamtime, our waking hours are filled with a sense of belonging to each other.
In one moment it was the stray, the next, Mali, and finally it was my horse Angel from childhood. I don’t feel a need to describe what happened in the dream, the bond between us all that is important. For the first time in many long months, I woke with complete calmness, as if I am ready to face whatever comes to me, certain I am not, nor have I ever been, alone.
There was another element of the dream which held importance, but for now it is not within my grasp. Also there was a gypsy woman who came to my home – something I feel more than remember. One of the grandmothers.
I did not realize how lonely and depressed I have been without my Miss Mali. How difficult it has been to face life without her smile and loving personality. My dependence on her was great, and doing everything without her has been more stressful than I allowed myself to accept. The skill of turning off what causes so much pain and sorrow, a skill learned at a very young age.
This morning, knowing she lives with me still, has taken away so much of the tension, allowing me to have a deep, healing sleep even though it was no more than an hour after waking from the dream.
It was not until I let the stray dog outside it occurred to me it needed to do so. This lightbulb moment happened as she trotted over to the fence in the back yard (which I do not have in real life), understanding at last I had set free the spirit of not only Mali, but also Angel. Angel walked over to the open gate, closing it with her nose. The yard, the gate, symbols of my protected space with them. I would not lose them simply because I let them out. This dream also showed me Mali and Angel were indeed one and the same spirit as I suspected, or maybe hoped. This confirmed the close bond Angel and I shared in the short time we had with each other. Her death was violent and sudden, something I never really got over. Mali or Malaika which means Angel brought to me by my son was the single greatest gift received in my life. My desire to own a horse abandoned with the arrival of her spirit in this new body. It seems those in the spirit world remain my closest and most trusted companions.
I know my father had to move on, although I still pray to him for guidance, even with knowing he can no longer answer. That he remained for so many years, a testament to his great love, not just for me, but for the people of South America. His last gift to me, the memory of dancing with him. My tiny feet clinging to his as we moved to a song representing perfection to me. I have yet to find another who will dance with me in this way. Perhaps now it is possible.
My story was not about the pain, it was about the love. This was why he wanted me to share it. It will be difficult for me to share my story until people are ready to accept the power of love, this is what I begin to realize this morning. However, I now see this was the purpose of telling my story, to show how the love of one man could change the world of one lonely soul who endured much to then be able to understand this message herself.
The message has been received and I hope one day this miracle of life’s most precious gift will be understood by the many. By changing the focus of my intent for sharing my story, perhaps it’s meaning will be received in the way it was intended all along. If others can focus not on the pain of my life, but rather the miracle of one soul reaching past the veil of death to rescue me, then it is indeed a worthy tale to tell.
That the spirit of my beloved Angel could remain so close to my heart despite the many years her memory was locked up in my minds closet, another testament to the power of loves connection. She came back as a dog to remind me of who I was before the pain. What a powerful gift to receive, her presence the key to breaking open the lock on my heart. It was Malaika who, in the end showed me how to accept my father, her steady calming presence showing me the way back to myself. She indeed helped me connect the shattered pieces of my spirit, allowing me to face the impossible life I had. The only way for us to remain together was for her to be left behind. I see that now. For she too was from South America and so it was important for her to return to the land of her birth. I believe also I must return when it is my time, as I am a child of Argentina, one of the disappeared.
When our hearts are full of love, there is no room for fear…….