It seems quite fitting to have the insight awarded me shortly after the clock struck midnight. Going to bed early, seeming tired enough to sleep until my usual wake up time of 5:30. But no, I woke up an hour later, starting the long uncomfortable process of lifting the fog so understanding could shine through.
It has been marvellously horrible yet wonderful to have had this quiet time, once more being quite isolated during this Christmas season. I say horrible because there have been long sleepless hours on many nights where I am now starting to realize I had been sifting through the dregs of my former life. Not pretty, a lot of it can be categorized as horrible to be sure. What has been interesting is the sifting is not always done through memories this time, rather feelings or emotions connected I’m sure to those relevant memories. This seems to be a way for me to face certain aspects of my past without actually having to see what happened. Quite interesting really! So amazing then, my friend who does tuning fork treatments with me, told me after our last session I would not have to worry about the memories now. They would come to me sort of like watching a movie, or similar to being under hypnosis, I would not feel what I went through, only be aware of it. So almost the opposite really as I’m feeling the memories, yet not having to witness them. This is all quite fascinating to me.
So after another night of long involved dreams which can’t be remembered, the sifting of what was important through the night was how I began my morning. It may sound very simple and indeed a no brainer, but the thought came very clearly to me as I struggled to relax enough to sleep. “I want to be loved”. Of course, don’t we all, right? We all think it, feel it and say it out loud at one time or another throughout our lives. This was different though, as I too have said it, felt it and yearned for it over the years. Being in a punishment /reward relationship tended to make me feel I was loved at times. The abuse over the span of the years after I turned 2 years old, trained me to be confused by love, what it was really, and how much it changed for me. At such a young age, after being so thoroughly loved and protected, falling into such a pit of despair and darkness stopped me from remembering what it felt like to be cuddled, talked to with kindness, being admired, living for the simple joys surrounding me. Life turned on a dime for me in such a brutal and unforgiving way – the constant battering shocking me into forgetting what was once my whole world. Love was once all I knew. The past 60 years has been spent trying to remember what that was and why I no longer could feel it. What became my interpretation of the meaning of love was pushed aside this morning as realization of what I know love is hit home like a grande slammer. Living in a world of punishment as some of us do, means learning any reward or form of attention means love. There is no balance in such belief, but it is forced upon us in order for someone else to feel fulfilled.
So the first day of the year presents me with the deep remembrance of how I once felt and how that is what I wish to find again. Already, and in truth because of the friendships I’m lucky enough to share, this seed of truth took root the day I landed in Ecuador and began in earnest to learn the truth about myself. Every step taken from that day forth taught me about what is real, who is true, and how much strength was in my soul.
Facing many trying and difficult situations in a foreign country, alone, without the comfort of speaking with ease the language, was the start of sowing my garden of love. In order to arrive in this moment of time, there was much sifting, sorting and unpacking to do, as I allowed the memories to come back to me, mostly through the dreamtime. For whatever reason, this has been the best way for me to accept what was needed in order to get back to the beginning. This is why remembering myself as a small child running towards my father with joyous laughter, surrounded in the golden light of innocence was so important. A great bridge has been painstakingly built connecting child with adult. Truly it has been an amazing journey, one which I would not like to change, even though it hurt so much to get here. I can only be amazed at the steps taken, the stories I’ve been able to tell because of those steps, and the appreciation for how I appear – at least to one person. There is so much joy in me as I allow these thoughts to form this story exclaiming my priority for the rest of my life.
I Want To Be Loved!!!
This means in addition, I want to be appreciated for what has been accomplished. It means I want to be admired for persevering despite how crazy it all sounded. I want to be heard, because of how much I have learned, there is wisdom in what I say. I want to be honoured for the elder I have become. I want to be respected for having the courage to face the huge dragon in front of me and win its heart so we became friends.
Loving someone encompasses all these things no matter the journey each person is on. Our stories may be different, and even though it may not seem so, there are challenges difficult for each and everyone of us to face, no matter how it appears on the outside. Recognizing the courage, rather than criticizing the flaws is most important. Yes indeed, see the cup half full rather than half empty.
Over the years,it has been said my story should be told to help others. Now I am wondering, is it the story or the triumph which should be shared? From one perspective it seems the triumph cannot be shared without knowing the reasons. However it occurs to me just being joyful each day and finding ways to share the spirit of kindness can mean so much, even without the knowledge of what once was.
The story can be written and shared, but maybe it is not necessary to understand the pain before the joy. Maybe one only needs to understand the joy grew from hope and kindness during a very difficult journey.
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